a 21st century lover

bygones

bygones - April 8, 2024

You are just lovely. I stand there and think about what I want to tell you. Give you my whole world. Yet, I don't. I just do what I always did. Look from afar and live out this one-sided love story. Daydream about having the courage to sweep you off your feet. But reality is cruel and cannot fight against it. Even with all the chaos going on, I focus on you. The music is blasting right into my ear and I go partly deaf. The people that push and swarm and dance like there's no tomorrow. Amidst all of that, I stare at you dancing. Straight out of a movie scene. The guy who felt like he didn't fit in was caught in a trance of staring at the person he loved having the most fun. Hours go by like minutes. Thoughts of telling you my innermost feelings become louder and louder and drown out the music. And I become more conscious of what's in my hand. A wrinkled piece of paper that housed those very thoughts. Heavy with emotion that I cannot bear to move an inch. I start to freeze. My legs are weak while my feet are glued down. And just as I look back up at you, I lose you to the swarming crowds. That was it, then. My last chance before to make my feelings known. Gone as the night went. Leaving the scene, I sit out on the curb and hide away the crumpled letter. I think to myself how could I let this night be the way to be? Why let it end the way it did and not fight fate for you? You are worth far more but the coward in me couldn't let it be seen. I look out to the full lot of cars. And let myself blank while I see everyone flash by in streaks to their cars and rush off to who cares where. Sit there till that lot becomes as bare as my hopes. Think all is lost until I see your familiar silhouette sit next to me. Nothing was said. Not even a breeze whistled by. It was just a quiet lot between you and a simple hopeless romantic. But, you were something different. Someone who took chances and lived life by the moment. Unrestrained by the past and unyielding to the future. You got up and showed me your hand. It was either to live a little and live like you or continue on my dreary path. So, I took your hand.

We drove out of the empty lot and sped through the roads. With the streets quiet, we filled it up with roars of the past. The wind flies across my hands as they peer out of the window. Feel the smoothness and full force of the night air. Speeding down the highway, my head faces upwards, and watch how the streetlights flash by like golden comets. It's so breathtaking. I could close my eyes and just feel my senses overload. There's a rush within me. My heart running at triple speed. I just can't help but crack a smile and yell into the night. It was a rollercoaster. It was a thrill. I was in that moment with you. And you just smile at me, too. Seeing me finally break through my shell and expose the new me. This naked personality that I had kept hidden under lock and key. The engine continues to roar. The winds in my hair. I think like a madman and just let everything go. My hands are no longer gripping themselves. My body unburdened. All of my worries flew out of the door. And with it, my letter did, too. I could hardly care. Let it go by like the times. Leave it all away and unchain myself from my past. We can race through the late night and cruise till the early morning sun rises. Blessed. Yes, we are. Caring for nothing. Transported to another universe where no one exists but us and this car. Lights flashing. Music on blast that I feel the bass through me. Then, we finally get pulled back into real-time. Back to when seconds felt like seconds. And just like we promised, we made it back to my house. It's only 5 A.M. yet I feel not a single lick of drowsiness. All I felt were the adrenaline and this courage. I felt like you. And I knew while I was on this high, I'd make the most of it. We let the car keep running and the music playing. Pulling you from the driver's seat, I take you and lead you on a 1-on-1 dance right on my front lawn. Even as my neighbors come busting through their front doors and scream at us to scram, I hear none of it. I feel like I am Gatsby. I'm suave personified. And while the sun finally peeks out, I tell you what I feel. Not some sappy letter that uses analogies to showcase it. No, I tell you it straight. I like you. I love you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you in my arms longer and slow dance more. Slow dance more. Jump and yell with you more and louder. Ask you to not leave me yet. Stay with me till this courage runs its course. Fight against fate and the movie clichés. Let myself become a bygone that has died and let the new me come bursting forward.