I do not see myself anymore, feels like I lost my GPS track. It's lost. I AM LOST, but nobody sees that.
No one.
Life goes by the same as before, I choose to be alone kaya I was convincing myself not to regret anything — it's for me, for my peace and time for myself.
Siguro tama ito, ako na muna iintindi sa sarili ko.
Two times in a one-week ako na-late, and I always try to motivate myself. Lutang ako na gumagana utak, gumagana utak ko pero ayoko gumalaw.
I start to normalize this, dahil bago na ang takbo ng aking pahina. Dadaan ang taon ko panibagong tao, at para naman sa taong nasira ko, nasira ako — cheers, we pass the year. And there's no plan turning back, because I know to myself they will never will — he will never will.
"Our lessons for today are so easy, maiksi lang ang poem pero mahaba ang explanation."
Umupo ako ng maayos sa upuan ko, inilagay ko ang braso ko sa sandalan ng katabi kong upuan. Wala ako sa mood tuwing matatapat mata ko kay Arthur, the care and the crush I feel to him is slowly turning to hatred. Pano, every time I ask him not personally but about academically hindi niya pinapansin. Hindi ko alam kung bingi siya, pero nakaka-inis hindi ko naman balak ibalik ang dating pagka-kaibigan pero parang pati sa eskwelahan ang mga bagay na iyon ay damay.
I did not expect anything, it is what it is. Hindi ko na aayusin hindi ko na pipilitin ayusin ulit, sira na — sisirain ko na lang ng tuluyan. As an independent woman, I learned how to let go and accept the fact that not everyone will stay. Aalis at aalis sila dahil tapos na ang papel nila sa buhay mo, so why will I force it? Bakit hindi ko na lamang hayaan ang tadhana gumalaw para sa akin?
" O Rose thou art sick.
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night
In the howling storm:
Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy?
— William Blake. "
"I already gave the vocabulary on the board," our English teacher says, "So it's time to dig into the poetry."
I was watching him patiently, not uttering any words, "So who was the Protagonist in the poetry?" Sir Evan asks, our English teacher asks.
"The rose," Casey answers, he was on the fourth column Giselle was on the third row, Arthur was on the second, and lastly Alijah was on the first row. In every column, there are former members of the SPADES.
"Okay, yes si Rose ang protagonist. How about the anagonist?"
"Worm," Giselle replied and I was just agreeing with their answers.
"So, why rose is the protagonist? What did Rose do or what are the roses based on the poetry? Any ideas Sirius?"
"Love." Someone answers, "Okay, yes, love. Rose symbolizes love— beauty."
"And the worm? The invisible worm to be exact?"
"Destroyer," I whispered.
"Yes, destroyer anything else?"
"Problems," I added, still whispering and I don't even think if Sir Evan heard me. I said what I said.
"Okay, yes, worm symbolizes— destroyer, the problem."
"Howling storm., Casey added.
"Yes, and?"
"Crimson."
"So, yes, everything you have said is right. But let me start on the first line, O Rose thou art sick. " He paused and encircled it, "What does the 'thou art' mean based on our vocabulary?"
Giselle raises her hands, "Okay, Giselle."
"You are."
"Okay, right." He composed himself and while he was explaining, "O Rose you are sick. The roses are sick. Why? Because of the worm."
"The worm symbolizes the problem, the anxiety, the depression if we will dig deeper. But wait, what is the worm?" He said, "The invisible worm."
"Why it is invisible?"
"It is invisible because you are not aware of it. Hindi mo alam na kasama mo siya, people may see someone is happy, people may see someone is enjoying. But does the person feel that? Unti-unting sinisira ng uod ang rosas, katulad lang din yan sa buhay — a person who has a problem." Sir Evan explained.
"That flies in the night. Bakit gabi? Bakit gabi sila nag-liliparan ang nag-sasaya? Dahil madalas... gabi... gabi nag-iisa ang tao, sa gabi nag-iisa na ang rosas... Tuwing gabi, gabi na wala ang lahat ay tulog... habang ang rosas ay inuubos ng uod."
"And lastly, The dark secret love a love that comes from the worm who are obsessed and addicted to the rose... A worm that stays invisible in the rose... Slowly killing... The rose the people."
"Love is a healer, if it did not heal you it means it's not love. . .It's a dark secret love. A love that slowly kills people. . . But it also connects people's lives, so always remember to choose wisely — will you be the Rose who is beautiful, lovable, everything that is beautiful. . . Or a worm who destroys everything. O baka ikaw na pala ang uod sa sarili mong mundo?"
"Ang uod na nang-hihila pababa, hihilain ka pababa hanggang sa hindi ka maka-lakad."
His discussion hits me hard, I have both — both traits that live inside me. I destroy people, trust, and everything that is beautiful resolve myself. Someone loves me in a dark secret love a love that does not heal me, not even family, friends. . . Any living earth, no one. In my whole life, I was living on lies.
I hate the way my life goes on.
I will be always the Rose, who was pure . . . But for my family, the worm — kahit baguhin ko nothing will change.
I will be open but I will remember my boundaries again, I will set my walls again — to avoid people and live in peace. Forever. I don't want to feel hurt again, dahil ako na lang din mag-isa tutulong sa sarili ko.
I will survive, I will make it — PROMISE.
YOU ARE READING
Players Game |
Teen Fiction"I thought loving was fun, it is a burden for me." Theana Avery Reid was a dedicated academic achiever, and loving was too hard for her - but not until she fell in love with Arthur Greiger. Arthur is a smart, handsome, and popular chess gamer and h...
