It's so easy to lose me.
Napaka-dali kong masaktan, napaka-dali. Are they aware of it? Aware ba sila na kailangan ko din sila kahit hindi ako natawag ng tulong?
I do support them, listen too. Sawa na ba kayo sa buhay ko? Pagod na ba kayo ako saluhin? I can support you from academics to life, but what will happen - you ignore me. I see it, you they are just a friend because I was the last choice. I am the last card - a piece of the chess, the chance of winning.
Nakaka-tawa lang na maraming nag-sasabi na kaibigan ko sila, pero na saan nga ba sila? Minsan gusto ko na lang na wala ang ibang tao o hindi nila sila nakilala, dahil baka sakali na nasa akin ang atensiyon.
But life is not involved in that way, life is a matter of choice but the choice is not always in your hand.
I was now in my room, reading a book that is connected to a law. . .I love reading those kinds of stuff, stuff that stresses my mind. It was a romance book titled, Convict Me, Attorney by Josh Gonzales one of my favourite authors after Irshwndy and KIB. It was a well-plotted book too, but my life. . . Will be best plotted if it will be a book.
"Ano gawa mo?" My mom called me in messenger.
Yes ayos na kami, but when it comes to decision making, she sucked.
"Reading."
I answered in a low tone.
"Nag-iimpake na ako."
I look at my phone screen and see her things in the bag. And I can't help to put on a bitter smile.
"May mapapasukan ka na?"
"Mag-hahanap si mama."
"Okay."
Silent grew larger, and I was just staring at my book trying to control my anger and tears inside.
Here we go again, to a repeating life pattern of me.
Ilang ulit na nang-yari pero hindi ko alam kung paano naman tatakbo ngayon. Why my mom can't stick with her work? Why does her pride always win?
Pride are ruining my life! Don't ask why, don't hate me for saying that you don't need that goddamn pride. You are ruining yourself, your very own self.
MY MOM IS A LIVING PROOF!! WAKE UP!
My life is the living proof of the result of being a prideful person. My messy life is the proof of everything.
Bumaba ako sa kama upang kunin ang libro na nabili dahil tinatanong niya kung ano ito, kaya pag-akyat ko sa kama pagka-tapos ko ipakita ay bigla siya nag-salita.
"Ano yan, may perdible?" I gulped as I heard her comment.
"Wala," I replied casually.
"Ano yan, necklace na perdible?"
Wala akong masabi o maisagot, my heart felt heavy and I was trying to fight my tears.
Fuck. Even my mother, I can't tell anything, rant anything.
"Wala yan," Sagot ko muli at humiga sa kama.
Nakakatawa lang na I was expecting she knows the meaning of the safety-pin, pero ano pa nga ba ang ma-eexpect ko sa nanay ko?
She didn't know me, but she was acting like it.
"Sige, babye na matutulog na si mama."
I nodded my head and answered, "Bye, good night." It may be an easy word, but to myself I can't I can't say it properly sa tao. . . Because I am not that compliment-giver person. Even the good night word makes my voice cracked.
I gather myself up again and continue reading my book, and my mind is travelling in so many worlds.
What if I stick to my old life? Will I be free and not alone?
My phone is not beeping, no people are asking for help. My life is quiet and full of problems, tahimik na mundo pero puno ng hinanakit sa buhay.
• • •
"Umalis na naman nanay mo sa trabaho ah."
Napalingon ako dito, "Taas ng pride 'e."
Why am I even answering their comment?
"Hindi man lang niya tiniis para sa iyo."
"Hindi, tangek gusto daw siya galawin ng amo niya."
And?
"Pero siya ang tanga doon, dahil siya mismo nag-threaten ng tao. Sigaw ba naman niya doon na 'I WILL KILL YOU." I paused, "If ever may mangyari sa lalaki? Sino unang suspek? Siya, video-video tapos ganoon isisigaw niya. Katangahan."
Words burst into my mouth, masyadong puno na ako sa mga maling desisiyon ni mama.
Talo pa niya ang nag-babakasyon, every two months lilipat ng trabaho. So ano ito my life will work in a repeating pattern? Every time she resigns from her work pati buhay ko damay?
"Taas kasi ng pride niyang nanay mo! Hindi talaga yan mag-tatagal kung habang buhay pride ang iikot sa mundo niya."
"Sinabi mo pa." I replied, "Pride wins in her blood and I can not handle o baguhin pa iyang ugali niya."
"Wala sila pinag-kaiba ng nanay niya."
I gulped and looked at them, "I want peace kaya wag niya ako idadamay. Hindi sa kanya iikot mundo dahil may sarili akong axis."
That's it. If I need to change the axis of the Reid family then I will, wala akong paki-alam kung iba ako sa kanila kung sabihan nila akong walang alam at nangunguna sa buhay. I live my life by learning from my own mistakes. And the mistake — my trauma to be exactly, mold me to be a real person.
I will be the black sheep of this family if the pattern will repeat — ako ang babago. I am the pawn, not yet promoted as it is.
"Kahit ganyan siya nanay mo pa din siya."
I chuckled at their comment, "Kailan ba siya nagpaka-nanay?"
"Hindi nga siya nag-matured, oo kumikita ng pera pero pag-dating sa handling hindi niya kaya."
"She's a person who needs help from others, kasi hindi niya kaya."
Tapos itutulad niyo ako sa isang mang-mang? Never I am.
"Oo, nanay ko siya. Pero hindi siya nagpaka-ina."
She was the pattern who liked to repeat the same mistake. But I am the pawn who goes through it by stepping in her squares to reach the end. . . of the board.
YOU ARE READING
Players Game |
Novela Juvenil"I thought loving was fun, it is a burden for me." Theana Avery Reid was a dedicated academic achiever, and loving was too hard for her - but not until she fell in love with Arthur Greiger. Arthur is a smart, handsome, and popular chess gamer and h...
