Do my life end there? Maybe, but sometimes we can not blame that there will be times that the patterns will repeat — like how my life repeated and I keep trying to resolve those cracks that will never been healed.
And I am here, still in the same situation a life pattern like a song Nothings New — day by day it get lonelier day by day I keep asking why does my fate need to end up like this. I can not blame God for letting me end up here, but it hurts because I need to end up here.
"Avery, tara."
I give a heavy sigh as I walk closer to her, a tall girl who was the daughter of the landlord.
"Po?"
"'Di na daw mag-babayad mama mo sa apartment mo."
"Bakit? Siya ang umupa dito, dapat siya mag-babayad. Don't she ever think that Auntie will, apaka kapal ng mukha niya iharap ang salita niya." I bursted out. She never chance, she think that kind of shit work on me.
"Hu'wag niya idadamay pag-aaral ko dito. Dahil ayoko matulad sa kanila walang alam." I added.
Sumagot ang mga ito, "Tumugil ka na daw sa pag-aaral dahil nga hindi na siya mag-babayad ng upa, hindi naman pwede na ganoon lang iyon — may pangangailangan din kami, kaya hindi ka namin pwedeng kupkupin. Pati kami madadamay 'e.
I just nod to their statement, waiting to thier plan.
"Isusuko ka namin sa barangay, kaya ayusin mo na ang gamit mo. Mamaya pupunta tayo doon para maisuko ka."
I nod again not saying a word, maybe this is really my faith is for. Bakit pa ako tututol, hindi ba gusto ko makabalik sa dating buhay. Hindi ba gusto 'kong sumaya? Magkaroon ng magulang sa tabi.
Bakit pa ako tututol?
Ilang minuto lang din ay lumabas na kami ng bahay at kinausap ang punong barangay. The scene are not good dahil inaakala nila I rebbelled my mother, but in my side I did not — I just want to go back.
"Ang plano ng nanay niya kasi pag-uwi niya, pero ito daw kasing si Avery —"
"'Wag niyo pong ibaliktad ang sitwasyon," putol ko dito, "I have a proff, everything that she did not say that. Ipakita niyo sinabi niya iyan, ipapakita 'ko din ang akin nang mag-kaalaman na hindi lang siya isang inang maka-sarili sa mata ko, kundi isa ding inang sinungaling."
"Kasi ganyan gusto niya, siya kakampihan kasi siya, siya ang nahihirapan." I added in rage, I can't handle it anymore.
"Paano mag-kakaintindihan kung hindi mo siya pinatatapos." Galit na tono ang lumabas sa bibig ng Punong Barangay.
Napatahimik ako, ayoko lang naman na iba ang isipin niyo — ayokong maisip na isa akong anak na naglalayas. Kasi kahit gusto ko, paano? Paano ko iintindihin.
Why do people always take my mom's side? Bakit ako, paano naman ako?
"Hindi 'ko po magagawang tumahimik dahil iba po ang kwento niya sa sinabi sa akin, kung kailangan ng ebidensiya – bibigyan 'ko kayo" Sagot ko dito, "I want her to suffer, gusto 'ko siya pababain dito sa Pinas para ipakulong. I will fucking put her life in hell, gustong-gusto ko siya kasuhan." Sunod-sunod itong lumanas sa bibig 'ko dahil sa galit. My heart looks like she will explode at any moment.
And at that moment I heard the daughter of a land lady sarcastically laugh, "Like mother like daughter."
But my brain is different, the situation is. Ikaw ba naman palayasin without no one? Walang kapamilya? I was fucking look like a abandoned child — and yes I do. I do, I fucking do.
• • •
"Auntie, pinapalayas po ako," Halos mawalan na ako ng boses dahil sa pigil-pigil kong luha na itinatago ko, "N-nasa barangay na po ako, waiting kung may kukuha sa akin kasi isinurrender na po ako ng may ari ng bahay." Mahabang suhesiyon ko.
"Ayoko na po dito, auntie." Pag-mamakaawa ko, narinig ko din na nag-uusap sila sa kabikang linya ng kanyang kapatid. Batid ko din na galit sila, hindi nila tanggap – hindi nila kami tatanggapin.
"Avery, hindi pa sigurado ngayon. May ibibigay akong number sa iyo, kontakin mo sila. Sila ang hahawak sa iyo, hindi pa kasi sigurado kina Auntie mo."
Her words broke me, ayoko sa kanila. Bakit sa kanila? Hindi ko sila kilala, ayoko. Ganito na ba ang sama ng loob niyo kay mama?
But I guess, ano nga ba laban ng isang batang tulad ko sa kanila hindi ba?
• • •
I've been surrendered and the DSWD holds me right now, do I need to feel this? Alone?
"Kawawang bata, hindi niya na alam saan siya pupunta. Hindi pa siguradong kukunin siya dito dahil sa problema." Kwentuhan ng mga social welfare workers.
That makes me smile bitterly – dito na ba talaga hantungan ng buhay ko? Lord, why do I need to stand here, ganito ba talaga ang daraanan ko?
Sumakay na ako agad sa sasakyan ng barangay upang kunin ang gamit ko, dahil sa barangay post ako mag-aantay. The place are familiar, hindi ko alam kung bakit dito ako idinaan. Monday ngayon and the time is six forty-seven hindi ko pa sigurado kung nasa labas pa siya, probably he was already got home dahil gabi na din. But who knows? Bakit ko panununahan ang tadhana tungkol kay Arthur.
The barangay service starts to turn to the street where Arthur lives and at that moment I saw him, our eyes met like a slow motion to me, my gosh I am indeed that in love?
His nonchalant face got me nervous for a moment our eyes contacted. He is not shock, but I do, I did not expect like this. Hindi niya dapat nakikita ang nagmumugtong mata ko dahil sa pag-iyak, my heavy breathing, my hopeless glipse in my eyes.
"I got it all." Bulong ko at lumabas upang intayin ang ibang workers and again I saw him, for the last time our eyes met again. My heart aches and I was stopping my tears to fall, I wanna run to him and cry. Gusto ko mag-sumbong, gusto ko sabihin na salamat, gusto ko mag-paalam.
The last contact I have with him is when I lost my money, I saw him and I know he may be worried. And I am not expecting that will be last.
I saw him with my very own eyes, how he adore a girl. I am happy to meet him, but the closure is not proper. I LOVED HIM, maybe as a crush, like admiring but I love him too as my very own brother who takes me to my apartment – the very first guy who treated me right, treated me like a good friend. We are in an awkward situation, and I'm sorry for loving you too much that make you think I am weird. Nasasaktan lang talaga ako, dahil umasa pa ako sa wala naman talaga. Nagpaka-tanga pa ako, kahit alam ko naman talaga ang hantungan.
Thank you, Arthur. Goodbye – I loved you.
YOU ARE READING
Players Game |
Teen Fiction"I thought loving was fun, it is a burden for me." Theana Avery Reid was a dedicated academic achiever, and loving was too hard for her - but not until she fell in love with Arthur Greiger. Arthur is a smart, handsome, and popular chess gamer and h...
