It was February. And fate doesn't even pity me or have mercy on me. Now I start to hate the first day of the month, they always put me into my hardcore — to the moments that I can not breathe anymore.
I was crying, and shaking in my room while I was hearing the loud bang on my door.
"LUMABAS KA DIYAN, AVERY! KAKAUSAPIN KA NAMIN!" Sigaw ng anak ng landlord namin.
Napalunok ako ng ilang beses bago ulit siya sumigaw, "MAG-IMPAKE KA NA! DALHIN MO DAW LAHAT NG GAMIT MO AT UMALIS KA DAW SABI NG MAMA MO!"
My heart shattered completely when I heard that, kakauwi ko lang galing sa school. I need a break, but they are there banging on my door multiple times making my trauma open to society.
Natatakot ako. I don't know how to handle my situation this time. I feel speechless and my mind is blowing up, already.
Patuloy ng patuloy ang pag-pilit nilang pag-bukas at pilit sa aking pag papalayas. Tangina, I was only fourteen, but I am dealing with them — with my family.
"Bukas na po, pag pahingahin niyo muna ako," I yelled back, answering her. She kept banging until I lost myself and cried hard. Napagod na din akong sumagot at humiga sa kama habang naginginig.
Reia. . . I need you, I need you to clear my mind. I need advice. My mind is having suicidal thoughts.
Fuck, Reia — I don't want you to feel what you feel when your friend died. But I can't breathe, I want to cut it so badly, already.
My phone was ringing and I answered immediately when she picked up, "R-Re..ia..." I cried, "Pi-Pi...napalayas.. a..ko." Utal utal kong sagot dito dahil hindi na ako maka-hinga sa sobra ng iyak ko.
"R-Reia... Hindi ko alam ano gagawin ko," I added.
Ilang minuto ang nagugol doon sa call pero tahimik lang siya sa call, nasabi niya din na hindi na niya daw ako matutulungan and I just agree that she needs peace for now. For now, away from problems.
I closed my eyes as she apologised to me and I did not bother it anymore, she did so many things that helped me a lot. It's her time to rest from my problems — maybe, I need to stay strong and be independent again in my problems like what I learned when I was a kid.
Hindi sa lahat ng oras, kaya nila ako pasanin. Hindi lang ako ang mahihirapan kung mawawala ako, lahat sila. I should not be selfish, there is still someone who loves me and knows me from head to toe.
• • •
D
istance. They are distancing themself from me, what's happening what did I do wrong? Are they aware I am fighting for my life here?
Napasandal na lamang ako sa pader habang sila nag-sasaya, nag-kukulitan — I want to join too, but I was so dry too. And there no one will approach me because I still need to approach them too, they don't know what my mood is. Ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko, even a word — nahihirapan na akong bangitin, dahil kahit ilang minuto kaya kong umiyak at mag-breakdown.
My fucking life is in a mess — on the first day of February, I have fallen apart.
No one comforts me. Ask if I was doing great. No one is aware that I was just keeping myself strong...?
That any moment I can take a step out of my safe place and let my head hang on the ceiling as my stories go through?
I soften up nang mabasa ko na naman ang nakakaiyak na part ng libro na binabasa ko, I realize na hindi lang pala ako ang nahihirapan. And there are, crying. I barged out nang makapag-paalam ako kay Alijah — our president. And I did, my breakdown, my tears, my heart are now falls.
Hikbi pa din ang ginagawa ko kahit may mga taong pumapasok sa loob, one girl saw me and scratched my back — the thing I did to Alijah. Mahirap ba iyon? Maramdaman ko ulit ang ganto?
"Ate, okay ka lang? Cheer up po!" Magiliw nilang sabi sa akin bago ako iwan sa comfort room.
Luha pa din ako ng luha dahil sobrang bigat na para akong wawasakin sa sobrang gulo na ng utak ko.
"Ayaw ka maka-grupo ni Reia, nag-dabog siya eh." I thought the same thing that our classmate said.
Putangina, ang sakit — I don't care if it's true pero ang sakit. They hate the way I lead, while the teachers admire it. Am I being stupid or nag-kulang ba ako? I support them, and I help them too — but why does it feel like they hate my presence in the room?
Patty:
Hoy, r u okay?
I look at my phone and reply.
Avery:
No
Pwede mo ba ako puntahan sa C.R?
Napatigil ako dahil ang tagal noon mag-send, dahil mahina signal. And I was looking at the door hoping I would see Reia. My comforter, my home friend will come but sadly no... Patty did. As she entered the comfort room, I hugged her and cried again.
"H-hindi ko na kaya, hindi na... Sabay sabay na sila, ayoko na..." I sobbed. "I did something wrong — what did I do?"
Nang makataha na ako ay nag-simula na siyang mag-salita.
"Sabi ko na nga ba, even your closest friend will be your enemy sa likod. Kung sino pinag-kakatiwalaan mo, kinaiinisan ka naman." Sabi nito.
"Alam ko naman iyon, ramdam ko. Hindi ako manhid noon ko pa sinasabi, I was just quiet about what I observed." I replied.
"Alam mo ba? Syempre hindi,. . . binackstab ka ni Gisselle noon—"
Napatingin ako sa kanya, her... One of my trusted friends?
"Nag-lalaro kami noon ng badminton at napag-usapan ka, nag-tatawanan pa nga sila noon at may pinakitang chat noon sa amin, kasama si Michie," Dagdag niya.
They all did? Backstabbed me.
"Kaya kung sino pa ang pinag-kakatiwalaan mo sila din ang sisira sayo, nako!"
I nodded in agreement but my heart sought something, what are the reasons?
"Tamo sa akim, remember noong may nanakawan sa akin nag-sasabi ako na 'baka may mag-sabotage sa akin'." Komento ni Patty.
"I am gonna be honest, minsan naiinis ako — minsan din alam ko sayo naiinis sila," Sagot ko sa kanya. I am not harassed that it may sound, "About doon sa loud voice mo and jokes... But I understand you are just like that talaga and we need to know the reason behind it before I hate something."
I sighed and spoke again, "But right now, look they did not confront me and ask why I was acting like this, like that. Naiintindihan ko naman na may anger issues ako eh, kaya sana minsan kung mag-sasalita sila nasa kalmado ako dahil matalas ang dila ko kapag galit o nasasaktan," I explained briefly.
The most trusted friend hated my flaws. And let me fall into the pit of this world.
"Nakaka-tawa, unang araw ng February nandito ako naiyak." I smiled bitterly at the mirror. She saw me weak, she saw me independently, and she saw how I became strong in front of everyone. While my friends, forgetting my existence.
I can't be mad, it's my fault. At dahil dahilan ay ako, aalis na lang din ako sa buhay nila. One more last year as a Grade 9, aalis na din ulit ako dito. Live in peace, SPADES. I will be gone too, sooner. Goodbye in advance.
YOU ARE READING
Players Game |
Teen Fiction"I thought loving was fun, it is a burden for me." Theana Avery Reid was a dedicated academic achiever, and loving was too hard for her - but not until she fell in love with Arthur Greiger. Arthur is a smart, handsome, and popular chess gamer and h...
