The sound of his laughter is a brand across my mind hot, sharp, everlasting.
I heard that laugh everywhere, it was like I could see his smile and bright eyes every time I heard it.
I knew it was in my head, I knew the thought of him would haunt me forever.
His laughter, warm, kind, inviting.
His smile bright, cunning, charming.
His eyes mesmerizing deep pools of melted gold.
The way the corners of his eyes scrunched when he smiled.
The way his eyes shined in the light.
His skin, soft warm and welcoming.
His strong arms wrapped around me, brave, protective, loving.
His voice quite in my ear, nurturing, soft, soothing.
His fingers running through my hair his steady heartbeat a reminder of his presence.
I love him
I can't stop loving him
I don't understand how he didn't love me as more than a friend.
It made no sense.
I don't think it'll ever make sense.
He's here still, that same laughter.
That same smile and soft eyes.
But it's different now.
He looks better, relaxed, more comfortable.
You try to hold it together but you feel shattered without him.
Pieces of me falling away a new shape emerging.
Fawn like and frail.
I needed my protector.
I needed his love.
Without him I start to piece together my own wall, towering high and unwavering.
Weakness is pain, it's letting someone close and being left shattered.
I can't do this again.
I can't be soft and gentle and giving, I can't be sweet and loving.
I'll be hurt again.
But I'm being hurt now.
How do I come to terms with knowing my best friend. My knight in armor, my priceless confidante. My protector grabbing my hand and pulling me up with a laugh anytime I started to fall. Is leaving me at the shore line without a boat smiling as he waves goodbye.
I feel better now. More whole then I have before but it's as tho I'm so full of him that as I start to loose parts of him it leaks from my heart and I feel so awfully empty. I've filled myself with happiness and progress yet every drop is hinted with a memory of him. How proud he'd be of me, how excited he'd be for me. How much he'd love and hold me and tell me how it'd be okay. Every little step I've taken to get better was because he was there with me holding my hand and telling me it's ok. I fear I'm far too weak to do the journey alone.
I fear my mind will change into something different, new, lacking the anger and horrors it once housed.
I feel better.
Part of me hates it, clawing at my mind for attention. Lash out, attack him, don't let him leave. The part of me that is still dark and desperate, injured and changed.
She's quiet now. As tho his absence had forced me to do the right thing for once.
Calm and collected. My thoughts gather in pools of water easy to see and pick through. My mind was so quiet, life felt new. I looked down at the bottle of antidepressants and I felt like my entire world had been flipped with a switch. The colors were vibrant around me. My mind was quiet and calm. The constant drag of grief and freed dragging me down was gone.
I was alive. I don't want to die.
I never had a moment when I thought that sentence would be true. I felt as though life clicked into place in the moment. I could feel the pain in my heart from his absence, yet there was no hole letting the rest of me fall apart to beg him to stay. My heart was warm and full and pumping steadily. I knew she pained for him but she hadn't broken like she had before.
Part of her waits for it to happen. For all of it to crumble down around her to make her finally split, lash out and destroy her own life. That's what always happened.
I'd get in a relationship, I'd give my all warping myself to change to fit there ideas but it was different with him. I was me for once, sometimes at least, I knew my mask was there at times, it's just so hard to take it off but I did try. I tried to give him the best most genuine version of myself. I see now that there was nothing I could do to make him love me if he wasn't meant to. Part of me holds on, the scared, frail, weakest parts of me cling to the idea that he'll come back to me. That it'll all work out, he'll put in the work, he'll get better and he'll come back to me.
But I know it isn't true. If he didn't love me now there was nothing that could happen to make him love me in the future. He simply didn't and I was selfish to believe so. I trusted him. But I trusted the hope that he'd change more. Reality hits me like a bus and it hurts worse than anything because it didn't matter how much I did, what I could try, how much love I poured into him he simply didn't and couldn't love me.
