Goodbye. {Shawn Mendes Fanfic}

Dinner...?

It's been a few days since I was last in the hospital. Mom made me go back to school and everything was normal. On those days I took off I went through Twitter and instagram and got so much hate.

According to everyone I am...

Ugly
Fat
Anorexic
Stupid
Slut
Whore
Prostitute
Hoe
Cunt
Bitch
Mistake

Those were only some of the things that were said. The rumor around school is I am pregnant and I am too afraid to go to school because of it.

I was scrolling through Twitter seeing all the tweets directed towards me.

"Santana should really just kill herself. She acts like anyone would really care if she died"

"Santana hasn't been in school for a week because she found out she was pregnant."

"Cut deeper you ugly ass bitch @SantanaMorris"

"Swollow more pills @SantanaMorris"

I threw my phone down and locked myself in the bathroom and began to cry.

I don't know why I subject myself to reading those hurtful things about me. There's something telling me that I need to know what people are saying about me.

I sat with my back up against the bathroom door crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I stood up and looked in the mirror and instantly saw everything I hated about myself.

I felt as if I was too skinny but at the same time I felt fat. Makeup that I used to cover up the bruises on my face was all messed up and my curly brown hair was in a messy bun.

Looking in the mirror I saw a broken girl that has no reason for living or for trying, I saw a girl who hated herself more than anyone could ever hate her. I saw a girl that was on the edge leaning over getting ready to fall, I see the tears falling from her eyes as she looked down apologizing for being a mistake. I saw a sad broken girl who had given up all hope. I saw a girl who was too broken to fix.

I cried as I looked into the mirror seeing who I have become. "Why am I so ugly?" I cried to myself.

I looked down on the sink and saw the razor. I reached for it before taking a deep breath.

Maybe of I cut deep enough I will hit a vein and eventually bleed out.

And that's what I did. I cut my wrist on repeat hoping to cut into a vein but it never happened.

I dropped the bloody razor and sat on the ground. I was no longer sad, I was more empty. Right now I had no feelings. I couldn't even think. I was just breathing focusing on the physical pain I caused myself. After an hour of sitting on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down my wrist I decided to clean up and take a shower.

***
I got out the shower and changed into a oversized red thing one hoodie from when we took a class trip to Universal Studios last month. I put on a pair of skinny jeans although it was hot I couldn't risk my parents finding out about me cutting. I have scars all over my body for many reasons.

The scars on my thighs and stomach were for being too fat or too skinny. The cuts along my arms and wrists were made hoping I would hit a vein and bleed out because nobody wants me alive. The physical pain causes me to focus on something other than the mental pain I am going through.

I walk downstairs and see my mom starting to cook dinner. "You're cooking dinner tonight?" I ask and she turns her head and smiles at me. "Yeah. We are having a roast dinner tonight." She says and starts to pull out multiple food items.

The potatoes were on the island along with fresh vegetables and the roast itself.

"It's Friday. We normally order Chinese food and watch Netflix together." I say not wanting to have a roast dinner. I don't even like roast beef. Friday is the only day the three of us actually sit down together and spend actual family time.

"We're having guest over for dinner tonight." My mom says and I look over at her confused. "Who's coming?" I asked "The Mendes'" She says and I let out a loud groan.

"Is there something wrong honey?" She asked and I nod. "Why did you invite them over? Me and Shawn aren't even friends anymore. You could've at least asked if it was okay with me." I say annoyed.

"Shawn said that you guys were still close friends." She says a little confused. "We barely see each other." I say and my mom sighs. "Just be nice." She says and I roll my eyes.

I haven't talked to Shawn since Monday on the phone and I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to talk or see him.

"I'm going out." I say and grab my phone and headphones. "Be back by 5:30." She says and I look at the time. It was 4:00 now meaning I had plenty of time.

I walked to a rocky spot on the beach where nobody ever goes. I sit on a rock and take off my shoes. I place my feet in the water and started listening to a song that I've recently been listening to that says most of the things I wanted to say.

"She says she wants to end it all when she's all alone in her room,She cries,The way she feels inside is too much for her." I sang the beginning of the song to myself as a let a tears slip from my eyes. I've been crying a lot more lately and I hate it.

"Omg do you hear that?" I heard the familiar voice of Carter. "Yeah it sound like a tone deaf fat walrus." I hear Taylor say and all the guys that were with them started laughing. All the guys were there with the exception of Shawn. I stood up and started to walk away but I was pushed back. "Where do you think you're going?" Gilinsky asked and I looked down at the ground. "Can I please go I have to be home in five minutes?" I lied trying to get out of this situation.

"Where were you this past week? We've been looking for you." Aaron says "I had a concussion and my parents thought it was better if I stayed home for the week."

"You'll be back on Monday right?" They asked as if they were planning something. "Yeah..." I say trailing off. We all just stood there awkwardly. "Go now before we kick your ass." Nash threatens and I quickly leave.

I get back to the house and see everything was already set up. "The Mendes' should be here in a few go wash your hands." My mom says and I go up to the bathroom and wash them. Once I walk down the stairs the door bell rings and my mom rushes to the door. My dad stood up from the couch and greeted Mr. and Mrs.Mendes after Mr. and Mrs.Mendes there was Aaliyah and Shawn who greeted both my parents.

"Hey Santana I haven't seen you in a long time." Aaliyah says pulling me into a hug, I hug her back before pulling away.

"Hi Santana." Shawn says and I roll my eyes. "Hi" I say giving him a fake smile so it doesn't cause any problems.

"Dinner should be ready in five minutes." My mom says telling the Mendes' to take a seat. "I'm actually not hungry." I say a little embarrassed. I don't know why I felt embarrassed, maybe it was because everyone's eyes were on me or maybe it was because Shawn knows I have an eating disorder. The whole school knows.

I don't know how everyone found it, they just did. In this small town everyone knew everything nothing was a secret.

"Why don't you stay and talk?" My dad says trying not to cause such a big deal. "I'm not feeling too well and I actually feel a little light headed. If you don't mind, can I go upstairs and get ready for bed?" I ask and everyone says goodnight. "I'm sorry if I ruined your plans for tonight." I say.

"It's fine sweetie, feel better." Mrs.Mendes says. "Thank you. It was nice seeing you all again." I say before walking up to my room.