Goodbye. {Shawn Mendes Fanfic}

Memories

It was almost 3 am and I still haven't gotten any sleep. My thoughts have been everywhere these past few hours.

This is all my fault. Maybe if I was with them they wouldn't have been in an accident or maybe they wouldn't be dead.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. The accident was on the news. The red range rover that my dad drove was flipped upside down and caught on fire the white truck that has crashed into them was on its side. Glass and blood was all over the scene. No one involved in the accident survived.

I climbed out of bed and put on a pair of Nike sandles before quickly sneaking downstairs and walking out the house. I walked to my house and used the spare key to get into the house.

I walked into the house and everything looked the way it did when I was here just a few days ago. When I looked over at the couch memories of us eating take out and watching funny movies together flooded my brain, we did that every Friday night. It was the only time we got to spend together as a family. Tears filled my eyes as my fingers ran along the leather couch. I strolled through the house and cried at every family picture that was taken. We took a picture together every year ever since the day I was born. All those pictures were on display one after another starting from when I was a few minutes old to the last picture we've taken a few months ago. All the pictures were on the wall next to each other as you walked up the stairs.

I walked down the hallways and opened my parents room. I couldn't handle it. I stayed bawling my eyes out as I looked at the untouched neat bedroom. I've spent so many nights as a child in that bed. Whenever I had a nightmare I would walk into my parents room and my dad would tuck me in right between Mom and him. My dad would always hum me to sleep when I was a child and I miss that. I miss my dad. With my mom being a doctor she was always called into work at the most unreasonable times, she rarely ever had time for herself. We never spent much time together but I still love her. I walked in the room and ran my fingers over everything leading to the closest. I opened it and looked through all the clothing articles my dad owned.

I pulled out a blue and black flannel and put it on. The flannel was huge on me but I didn't mind. If I couldn't keep all of his things I at least wanted one of his flannels that he always wore when he was not working. I walked to my mom's closet and looked in the silver colored jewelry box she has. I took the box and sat down on the bed. I went through all the beautiful gold and silver she owned for when she went out to special events. She had beautiful diamond and peal necklaces along with diamond rings and earrings.

I grabbed the jewelry and hid it in my room. I didn't want anyone else to have it.

I looked at my room before closing the door and letting out a loud yell. I kicked the wall before pulling at my hair while more and more tears fell from my eyes.

Why do these things always happen to me?

I walked back into my parents bedroom and grabbed a few photo albums. I sat on their bed and looked through the pictures. There were pictures from my parents wedding and pictures of my mom pregnant along with my ultrasounds. There were a bunch if fetus pictures of me and Shawn and a few fetus pictures of me and some of the other guys when we were all friends. There were pictures from birthday parties and everything in between. "I miss you mom and dad" I whisper while closing the books and laying down.

***

Memories of me and my parents filled my head as I was curled up in a ball trying my hardest not to cry. I've been crying for six hours straight and I just wanted to stop crying. There were recent cuts all along my arm.

Sometimes when I cut its to take away the unbearable pain inside my head. When I cut its to help me focus on the physical pain instead of the scary thoughts running through my head.

But this time none of it worked. The same thoughts were running through my head. My thoughts were bombarded with what ifs.

What if I was in the car with them? Maybe they wouldn't have died.

What if it was my idea that we stayed home? If we stayed home it would've been impossible for them to get into that car crash.

I cried harder at the thought that maybe if I was with them none if this would've happened.

"Santana?" I heard Shawn's voice but I didn't answer. I don't want to talk I just want to lay in this bed and listen to sad music all day. "How are you?" He asked walking over to me. I just shrugged and he sighed. "Babe please talk to me." Shawn begged.

"It feels so unreal." I say and Shawn pulls me into a hug. "We can get through this together you just have to be strong and think about the positive." Shawn says and I simply nod. He wraps his arms around me and I bury my face in the crook of his neck.

"Lets go back to my house. My mom is worried about you." He says and I simply nod in agreement. He picked me up and carried me to his car. On the way back to Shawn's house I fell asleep in the passenger seat.

***

Shawn picked me up and I looked at him as he brought me inside. "It's okay. Go back to sleep." Shawn says and I bury my head in the crook of his neck. Shawn carried me into the house and I heard the voices of Karen and Manny talking. "Thank you for finding her honey." Karen obviously said to Shawn. "No problem it wasn't hard to find her." He says and carries me upstairs. Shawn places me in my bed and kisses my cheek. "Get some rest." Shawn says and once he reached the door I called him. "Yes?" Shawn asked turning to face me. "Can you stay with me?" I asked and he agreed. He climbed into the bed and wrapped his arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him. I eventually fell back asleep in his arms.