Goodbye. {Shawn Mendes Fanfic}

Thinking about her

*SHAWN'S POV*

It's been almost a year since Santana's death and I felt horrible. I still blamed myself for her killing herself, I still felt as if there was something I could've done to help her. Maybe if I didn't tell her I hated her she would still be here in my arms. I still remember every detail about her...

I loved her curly brown hair. Her hair smelt like strawberry's and it was fun to smell while we were cuddling.

I loved her beautiful hazel eyes and the way they shined in the light.

I loved her actual smile. When she smiled she always tried to hide it and I found that so cute.

I loved her laugh. Her laughing always made me laugh. I loved seeing her happy for those few moments.

I loved her and everything about her. I loved the sound of her voice, and how she was nice to everyone. I know she wasn't perfect because no one is but I loved her and her imperfections. In my eyes her imperfections were perfections. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

After starting vine and getting a large following on it I've started writing songs. I did quick 6 second covers on vine that people seemed to love. Santana always thought I was an amazing singer and told me I should show people my talent, and that's what I did. I hope I'm making her proud.

I've written so many songs and I can't wait to share them with the world. I'm already signed with a record company and I have a manager and everything. I already have a single and an Ep out and the fans seem to love it.

Songs like Life of the party and the weight were written about Santana, most of my songs are about Santana but no one knows. I've never told the fans about Santana and I don't know if I will.

The weight was actually written right after I saw Santana and Raymond kissing at the beach. I remember I cried while writing out the lyrics in my school notebook. At those very moments I couldn't help but think She would be happier with him and when she called I pushed her away. My heart was broken and I tried to forget about her but nothing worked. I tried so hard to stay away from her for those few weeks but I regret it. I should've listened to her, I should've answered her calls. I regret declining all of those calls, If I was there when she needed me she wouldn't be gone right now.

Raymond told me that he kissed her and that he liked her ever since she arrived at her new school which explained the kiss on the beach. I was even more upset after Raymond told me what happened. I was more upset with myself because I told her I hated her, I didn't know what actually happened I just assumed that she kissed him. If I wasn't such an asshole none of this would've happened.

I've been told by everyone not to blame myself for Santana's death but I couldn't help but think that I had something to do with it. I couldn't help but think that I could've prevented her death.

I'm in the process of writing songs for and album and there's this one song called A little too much, the song makes me emotional because most of it is based on Santana. She felt so overwhelmed and everyone thought that she was strong but she was broken. I wrote the song as a message to people telling them it is okay to cry and get upset because everyone feels the same way at one point in their lives.

I hate seeing people upset. This is why I do what I do. So many people say that I've changed their lives for the better and that I saved them. Everyday I go through my dms and see that people tell me how much I mean to them. Without them I would be nowhere. I love my fans, they get me through so much stuff. Being in the music business can get frustrating and overwhelming, I'm glad I have my fans there to help me. All my fans remind me of Santana in one way or another. But then again everything reminds me of Santana.

"Hey, what up?" Geoff asked taking a seat next to me. "Nothing much." I say looking out the window of the tour bus. "It's obviously something, you're crying." He says and I wipe the tears from my eyes that I didn't even know was there. "What are you thinking about?" He asks and I turn to look at him. "Santana." Was all I said and turned my head to look at the stars in the sky. I can't help but think that Santana is up there looking down at me. I just hope I'm making her proud. She's the real reason why I'm where I am today.

Santana is my motivation.

"Shawn has almost been a year, you have to stop grieving and move on." Geoff says and I know he's right. I have to move on and get over her, but I can't. I love her and I know she's still here with me watching as I live my dream. I always wanted to be a singer but I was too afraid to put my covers online and now that I look at it I'm glad I did.

After a few minutes I decided that I'm going to move on, but there's not going to be a day that passes where I don't think about Santana. She was my first love, she changed the way I viewed things. I can't thank Santana enough for everything, thanks to her she opened my eyes and I realized so much stuff, it made me more aware of my actions and I'm so thankful.

"Geoff." I say turning my head back to him. He looked at me nodding his head signaling for me to continue. "I'm going to move on." I say and Geoff smiled. "Good." He said before giving me a pat on the back. "Trust me. She doesn't want you to grieve over her anymore, she wants you to move on and be happy." Geoff says before walking away.

I look out the window one last time. I look up at the stars and whispered "I will always love you." before walking to my bed on the bus and falling asleep.