Goodbye. {Shawn Mendes Fanfic}

The note

*TRIGGER WARNING*

It's been two weeks and everything is getting worse. I've tried calling Shawn to apologize but anytime I called he sent me straight to voicemail. I tried texting him but he would leave me on read. I've basically pushed all the friends I made at my new school away, random boys called me a slut and constantly tried to hook up with me.

I couldn't help but think all of this is my fault. I'm the one who lead Raymond on when I shouldn't have, I kissed him back when I should've pushed him away and I'm sorry. I regret everything I've done. It was a mistake, just like me. 

Those three words lingered in my head playing on repeat, those three words hurt me more than anything.

I hate you

I messed up badly and there's no way I could fix any of it. He's gone and I'm the cause of him leaving. I shouldn't have expected him to stay, I know everyone leaves me eventually. 

I just want to stop feeling so sad, I want to be strong. I really do. But I can't help bursting out crying sometimes, I don't know how things are going to get better when everything is getting worse. Shawn was the only thing keeping me sane, life with my aunt and uncle has gotten worse and I prefer not to say anything about it considering I'm terrified of my uncle. Everyday I go to School and smile like there's nothing wrong with me but the truth is I'm dying on the inside. Of course I sit with the friends I've made these past few weeks but I don't talk much, I rarely show emotion anymore and no one seems to notice a difference.

I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone and it would be best if I left... 

Forever.

Everyday is a struggle. I have no motivation to get out of bed, I've cried so much that there aren't anymore tears left inside me to cry anymore. I've been an emotional wreck and everything is going wrong. Everything is becoming too much to handle and I feel so alone right now, I just don't know what to do. 

I'm tired of trying, I tired of staying strong when I'm falling apart, I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not, I'm tired of life.

I sat on my bed with a notebook and a pen before starting to write down my feelings.

To anyone who reads this:

Life isn't meant for everyone. Everyday I look into the mirror and hate the person staring back at me. Everyday I walk around with a smile to cover up how I feel on the inside, I'm done hiding who I am on the inside. I'm an emotionally fucked up teenage girl who is done with everything. I've been bullied for years and once I got away from them they still manage to find a way to ruin me. The physical abuse they put me through is nothing compared to the mental damage. When I was younger I was over weight and everyone called me fat, and now that I'm 'skinny' I'm told I'm too skinny but I still feel fat. There have been times where I starved myself just to feel skinny but I still thought I was fat for some odd reason. These cuts all over my body were made to keep me from the mental pain I was enduring. Being called so many names over the years can really hurt someone mentally, and to me nothing is worse than being mentally fucked up. Having panic attacks in public is the worse, people tend to look at you and judge you making things worse. Nobody knows who I actually am other than Shawn... My other half. He's the only one who's been there for me when no one else has and I love him even after everything he has done. And I recently messed things up with him and I am so sorry. He made life worth living, I've opened up to him and told him everything. Without him in my life, life isn't worth living. He was the light at the end of the tunnel and without him I'm stuck in the darkness with no way out. Me killing myself isn't because of a boy. It's because I'm tired of living in a world full of people and no one caring about me, I'm tired of the abuse and I'm tired of being so sad and depressed. No one should make someone feel so bad about them self to the point where they want to kill them self. I'm at my breaking point and I feel like I'm a disappointment to everyone. So this is it, I guess... Goodbye.

-Santana Morris 

I went on twitter and decided to tweet a  video.

The video was a quick goodbye to everyone.

"This is my goodbye. I know a lot of you guys want me gone and you're finally getting it. Congratulations you won." I heard myself say as I re-watched the video making sure it was fine to post. My eyes were red and puffy and my face was covered in tear stains making it obvious that I was previously crying, I honestly didn't care and tweeted the video anyways.

@SantanaMorris: https://www.twitter.com/santanamorris/438609348/vid/106708