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I stirred for a while in very early in the morning before the sun was about to come up. I felt exhausted in every way possible; emotionally, and physically...
Although my brain was busy, I kept my eyes closed, listening to the sound of absolute silence.
Last nights misery came rushing back to me as my brain started recollecting. Instant dread. Knowing there was no way I was going to fall back to sleep at this point, I pushed myself out of bed and I opened my door, trudging across the hall to my bathroom. I felt absolutely depleted this morning.
I flickered on the light and blinked a few times as I greeted myself in the mirror. I gripped the edges of the porcelain sink and made eye contact with this stranger looking back me. I looked over my smooth, tan skin and my darkened brown eyes. My black, shiny loose curls framed my round face and brushed against my breasts. I turned my face a little. Scratches from the fall last night...
My eyes welled up with tears remembering the pure horror I felt every time he would drink way too much and did something stupid that he would regret the next day. He easily towered over my small frame, and although I know in his own way that he loved me more than anything, he always found a way to take out his frustrations on me or the guys. It was mostly verbal but from time to time it would escalate. I was the easy target, and it was my fault for allowing it to get that far. He always apologized and I always wanted to believe him when he said things would change.
I turned on the shower and hoped in. I couldn't help but to cry as the water poured down over my body. I felt the pain in my chest release with every sob. I hated that I let myself hold onto him this long...it had been four years since Noah and I made it official...and some days when I wanted to leave, he would somehow redeem himself to the point where I didn't want to leave anymore and would stay in this nightmare. It was a vicious cycle, and sometimes I was hoping eventually he would just let me go to finally end the toxicity. I wasn't strong enough.
I cried for a while, but I did eventually end up washing up. Once I was finished, I put on a Misfits cut off that hugged my curvy frame and I put on stonewashed high rise jeans that had a few holes in them and tucked them into my favorite Doc's. I tied my curls up into a bun and put on a jacket. I decided to go grab some coffee and get some air.
As I walked to my door I swept up my black leather backpack and my keys just planning on walking to a cafe a few doors down from our flat. I made it to the cafe; and it was nearly empty considering it was rather early in the morning on a week day. I sat at the counter and asked for a cup of coffee. I felt lost, but I thought that today I would try to at least figure out my plan over the next few weeks. Bad Omens was starting a tour and Noah insisted that I come along like I usually had in the past, but I was starting to think that if we didn't have time apart, one of us might end up dead or in jail.
Almost as if he could hear me thinking, my phone started to buzz with messages. I sipped on my coffee and signed to myself seeing the messages that were coming in rapidly. Every morning after he did something fucked up, he would do this. I honestly already knew what the messages would say without reading them but I ended up giving in and scanning the screen.
Baby, I'm so sorry. . Jolly told me how obnoxious I was and I'm a dick for getting you involved in that shit last night. Omw home. Hopefully you're not mad anymore. I love you.
I shook my head to myself just wondering if he actually meant it anymore or if he just said it to appease me. I didn't respond but I know he would see that I read it, and I finished my coffee just taking my time. I looked through the other missed messages from the guys from the night before and most of them were from Folio to check up on her as usual.
"Eve, I'll get him home safe tomorrow when he sobers up. Sorry for him again." Although the fucked up part of me longed for him when he wasn't next to me, the rational part of me knew that it was better for me to be away from him. I tried to prolong going home for as long as I could before I knew I had to get back or he would be blowing up my phone even more.
When I made it back to our flat, I was quiet when I entered, listening for Noah. Nothing. I hesitantly walked to our bedroom, and the closer I got, I could hear the shower going. I felt so awkward not sure on how to approach him anymore. I always just waited for him to break the ice and it was a very unhealthy habit.
I turned around and went to sit in the living room and watch tv just wanting to stay out of his way right now. I assumed he was sobered up and cranky like he could be sometimes without the booze.
A little while later, I heard his lightly padded footsteps walking across the carpet and he came up behind me while I stayed on the couch not acknowledging him yet. He slowly enclosed his heavily tattooed arms around my neck apologetically and I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"Hi baby..." Noah spoke softly. "You okay?" He asked hesitantly. The two sides of him were polar opposites and it confused me to all hell. There was drunk Noah, broken and mean, and sober Noah, gentle and kind. I often missed who he was without the bottle and sometimes I think these small moments of normalcy is what kept me around.
I just nodded a little keeping my eyes fixed on the tv not wanting him to see me getting emotional. He came around and sat down next to me, instantly wrapping an arm around me and pulling me close.
"Hey...babe....look at me." He sighed and he turned my face to see my cheek all scratched up.
The night before, Noah was obliterated again and was about to get into a scuffle with some guy at a party. They started tussling and I got in the middle of it like I usually did to try and protect him even though he didn't really need me to. I don't know why it was always my first instinct to jump into a man's fight but even as fed up as I was with him, I still never hesitated to protect him. Of course, I instantly got thrown to the ground and Folio and Jolly came to my rescue and to also break it up.
I struggled to look at him at his request, so he put his hand under my chin and lifted my face.
"I'm so sorry, Evie." He whispered my pet name as he gently pressed his lips to my cheek, kissing the scratches as if it would heal them up.
"I just wish you would stop this shit, Noah." My voice cracked with dread hating how he was always acting out. I was embarrassed to be breaking down even though he had seen me cry multiple times, more often than not these days.
"I know, I know, I'm working on it. I am. With this tour coming up I'll barely have time to fuck around. I'm sorry that you got hurt last night and I still wanna fuck that guy up." He furrowed his eyebrows getting mad about it all over again but trying to just change the subject.
"Listen, I wanna make it all up to you."
Noah ran his fingers through my hair as I noticed him gazing down at my lips. Every time he sobered up after an episode, and looked at me with those obsidian, sorrowful eyes, I instantly just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was okay. He was truly sorry, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to hold my ground. Those eyes were a trap that kept me coming back every time.
I exhaled slowly, just now realizing I was holding my breath from nerves. Before I could react, Noah's warm lips were on mine. I felt a small flame growing in the depth of my stomach as he kissed me gently with sincerity. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. He gave me a second to breathe and rested his forehead against mine.
"I love you, Eve." Noah reminded me.
I hesitated but knew I couldn't resist him for much longer. I always melted as soon as the sweet Noah I fell in love with showed himself. No matter how upset, or how fed up I was, at just a small sign of his true self, and all the walls would just collapse.
