Save me •Chaelisa

to wake up

Pov Roseanne Park

- She'll wake up soon, don't worry.

Very distant voices and the sound of crying, what was going on?, I couldn't open my eyes, on the contrary I closed both of them tightly, I felt my head hurting, where am I?, everything seems so confusing, I realized I was lying down, but it wasn't my bed, that's what I knew, it was more comfortable than hers.

- Daughter? - that voice I knew even though I was confused, it was my mother. - My love, are you all right?

I didn't want to open my eyes, I felt something was wrong, I wasn't supposed to be here anymore, then I remembered all the scenes that came into my head at once, I tried to scream but I was completely knocked over by something, no I can't believe it's gone wrong again, I'm completely useless even at killing myself, what had I done wrong?, I did all the research I could find, I looked up doses.

- Daughter?  -I didn't want to answer, I just wanted to scream and run, but with my experiences after an overdose I knew that wouldn't be possible.

I didn't want to face my mother, I didn't have the guts for it, I was just making her suffer, a burden in her life and the lives of those close to her, it wouldn't be easy to erase it once again since I was still doped up, I didn't want to deal with all this ever again, and here I am again because people keep trying to save me?, I don't want to be saved I want it all to end, if they spent an hour inside my mind maybe they would be more sympathetic to ending my suffering.

I'd go to sleep and hope I'd never wake up again, I wished I had the strength to get up and remove the devices attached to my body, but I didn't, I'd have to recover once more... promise never to do that again, gain their trust until I could have two minutes alone in the room again, it was too tiring starting over, doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists looking at me as if I were a hopeless case, and they were absolutely right, I really was, the good news was that they'd all given up, what was my mother going to do? hospitalize me?, my periods in hospitals were nowhere near peaceful, I managed to escape once but unfortunately I was caught shortly afterwards.

No, I really didn't want to deal with any of it, I wanted to disappear. 

17 hours later

- You did it. - I looked at the mirror in front of me, trying to focus my vision, and when I did I saw my reflection in it, which was very different.

I looked like a different person, I looked at my wrists to see the cut marks still very apparent, then I looked at them in the mirror but there was nothing...

My eyes were no longer purplish and deep-set, but a very light color, and I touched my face, still not understanding.

- What's going on? - I asked confused.

- What's going on? - I heard my own voice answer and I became even more confused.

I woke up from the dream shaking and struggling against myself in bed. I opened my eyes and the brightness bothered me, so I started screaming, while two people tried to keep me still.