Save me •Chaelisa

query

Pov Lalisa Manoban

The body's ability to speak is incredible, I'm not talking about vocal cords or words coming out of the lips, I'm talking about the body itself, even in silence it can say many things, this was one of the most fascinating things that existed in psychology.

If your hands are fiddling with any object or your legs keep swinging in a repetitive motion, your body is telling you how restless and anxious you are, even if you're smiling and acting as if nothing is happening.

Just like my newest patient was doing now, Rose had just walked into my office, she had short hair in different shades of purple and pink, she had a piercing in her eyebrow and some tattoos on her arm, she was about my size, her eyes were deep and purplish, Rose was slim but not overly so, which caught my attention, maybe her physique wouldn't allow her to lose so much weight, even if she tried.

She was a beautiful girl, as if she were a light, but at the moment it was off. It was surreal how much our mental state interfered with our appearance.

And let's face it, I already knew about her disorder and had read all her records. I spoke to her mother and sister before the first appointment, and they were very effusive about the fact that her mood had been unstable since she was 10 years old. She told me when Rose had her first crisis and had to leave school screaming, her first fit of rage, she was a child who had barely formed her thoughts and was already suffering?

I didn't usually talk to the patient's family when they were older, but in her case it was very necessary to do so, as they were also part of the treatment.

- How are you feeling today? - I asked, analyzing her body.

She stretched a little in the chair and twisted her lip, squeezing the blue cushion so hard that she sank her fingers into it, as I said... the body speaks.

- I'm much better today. - she said with a completely false smile, she wasn't better, in fact she hadn't even come close to being better.

- Hmm, it's been six days since you woke up, right? - she nodded. - Can you describe this "good" you're feeling?

- Good. - she said, twisting her lip again, moving her hands so that the cut marks were almost visible even though she was wearing a bandage on her wrists. - It's complicated. - It didn't take long for her to fall for her own lie.

After all, it was very easy to say when we were well, it's a feeling that's too easy to explain, unlike the pain and sadness that sometimes settled so strongly in some people, it's very difficult to explain a bad thing that's part of us.

- Look, I want to make it clear, all our conversations here are strictly confidential.

- I'm not falling for that anymore. - He had already put the cushion aside and his sad look became a little more vivid, that was anger.

- Have you ever had the opposite happen?

- You're all the same. - he laughed, but this time I could really sense the amusement in his voice. - I sit here and tell you how garbage I feel, what a hollow, empty shell I am, and I tell you that the only thing that brings me relief when I wake up from an attempt is that there's a chance I'll try again. - she took the bands off her wrist and looked at the deep scars. - You see, there's no point in you trying, this is where I end up in the end, speaking of the end, I already know how our appointments are going to go, we're going to end up with you fingering me when I say I intend to do something and you're going to find me again.

In two minutes Rose managed to show anger, sadness and hurt, it was the most serious case of disorder I had ever seen, normally all this comes in a day with 24 hours, she put it in two minutes.

- I understand that it's hard to trust. - I said, watching her laugh again.

- Are you really a psychologist?

- Yes, with years of study in cases like yours.

- How many people have you let die? - Rose tried her best to be rude and hostile, but I knew it was all pain.

- We're not here to talk about my profession Rose, I understand that it's exhausting to see people living and not feeling anger, sadness and pain all at the same time, I understand you wanting to put an end to it.

- If you really understood, you'd let me die.

- My job is to make you understand yourself so that the pain tends to subside, I won't blame you if you leave here and try again to end your pain, I'm telling you that I understand.

The tears on her face fell so heavily that they could fill a glass, I knew that she hadn't given up completely, I knew when her mother said that she had told her what she had done, perhaps she even denied to herself the fact that yes, she still hadn't given up.

- You don't understand. - she said through tears. - It's like going from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds, having to take medication that makes me sick to my stomach, not getting out of bed just to stay "alive", what does being alive mean to all of you?

- Having a beating heart, for science that's the meaning of being alive.

- Since the first crisis, while the children were playing, I was taking antidepressants, while they went out, I was cutting myself indoors and while the teenagers went to the movies, I went to the psychiatrist and therapy.

- And that certainly didn't make you a weak person, have you ever thought about that?

- A strong person doesn't try to kill themselves.

- It takes a lot of courage to try something like that, even more so many times. Have you ever tried to realize that maybe this isn't your destiny?

- And what is it, to suffer for the rest of your life?

- I know that when you walk out of this door you may never come back, you're 23 years old and the choices are still yours, not just the choice to start yet another treatment, that's too empty of meaning, the choice to live but not lie, not to come in here after having rehearsed a personality that doesn't care, and to ignore the fact that you came, you sat down, you got it off your chest, that's not something you give up on, your new psychiatrist and I promise we won't give up on you.

Rose got up from the chair, breathing too fast, I could see her chest rising and falling, she left without saying a word.

I didn't really know if she would come back, but if she did, I wouldn't give up on your case until I'd done everything possible.