Save me •Chaelisa

hospitalization

Pov Roseanne Park

I took off the necklace I was wearing along with the two black bands that covered my wrist. It was hard to see because my vision was blurred by tears. My mother and sister were trying to talk to me and calm me down, to no avail. My chest was tight and my breathing was fast because of the compulsive crying.

I took off the dress I was wearing and put it on the tray, a lady came to meet me, checking that I had taken everything off my body, I didn't listen to what she or the other people said, after all it didn't matter, they were going to leave me in that horrible place once again, and once again I failed to take my own life, but it didn't matter, I still had plenty of ways to do it.

Their pain no longer moved me, in fact nothing made me feel anything, I was a hollow, empty shell, I stared at my wrists, the scars I was so careful to hide, there exposed for everyone to see what a failure I was.

I was given another set of white clothes with a few black polka dots, I put them on, still looking nowhere, all I could see was a white, empty corridor, I sat down on the gurney and held out my wrist after the nurse asked me to.

She put bands around it, taking care not to use too much, she knew I could use it for something and she was right, anything I could use I would use, she put a catheter in my arm and secured it with a tape.

Why did they think that putting me in a place where I would be locked up for 24 hours would help me, I only got angrier with every passing second, luckily I had the right to refuse visits and that's what I would do, I didn't want to see anyone else.

I lay down on the bed and was taken to my room, it was large and very comfortable and there was a television in a very reinforced glass box, after all I could hang myself with the TV cable, at least there they would give me lots of sleeping pills, I wanted to spend the whole time sedated, that way I would feel less alive, if only I were lucky and died in my sleep.

- Do you want to see your mother or sister before they go? -

I just said no, laying my head on the pillow and turning my face away, feeling the tears still flowing.

- Are you going to give me a tranquilizer? I'm having a really bad time. - I said in the midst of solutions.

- Doctor Kim is going to come and see you, she's the one who can release any medication.

- Is she coming? - I asked in agony.

- Look at her. - I stared at Jisoo, the woman who had saved my life with Lisa.

I couldn't feel hurt by them, after all I was still thinking coherently about some things, I had called for help still unsure if I really wanted to do it, I couldn't blame anyone for my wills changing so quickly, giving up one moment and then feeling very afraid the next, it was hard to explain imagine feeling it.

- She doesn't want to talk to her family now. - I heard the nurse whispering. - Don't you think it would be better if she saw them?

- I'll take it from here Emma, don't worry. - Jisoo smiled at the woman who handed him my chart.

She left, closing the door and leaving the two of us there, the only reason it wasn't too quiet was because I was still crying a lot.

She read all the papers very patiently, put them aside and approached my bed.

- You're very nervous, aren't you? - I nodded. - I'm going to prescribe some medication for you, okay? - I agreed again, I seemed to have lost the power of speech. - I know it was a very bad situation, but you've been through this before, haven't you, many times?

I couldn't answer, the more minutes passed the more my chest tightened, I began to despair, I felt my breathing fail, I put my hand on my chest, Jisoo looked at me worriedly, arranging the pillows and giving me an inhaler with oxygen.

- Breathe slowly. - I pushed the inhaler and it fell to the floor, making an unbearable noise.

I didn't want to breathe, I wanted to suffocate and die. She came back with the oxygen again and put it over my mouth; I didn't have the strength to throw it away.

- Emma, please! - she shouted, still holding the device. - Please prepare a dose of Lorazepam.

I gripped her fingers tightly, still holding the inhaler, trying unsuccessfully to get air into my lungs, and watched as a needle entered the catheter.

I was no longer struggling against it and in a matter of seconds I blacked out.