She stood frozen on her place. With my eyes closed tight I started to hear the deafening sound of silence. Ganoon lang ang naging pwesto namin for a few minutes. I didn't let my eyes follow my mind like I would want to. I want to see her reaction, but at the same time I don't want to see a blank space where she stood earlier. I was nailed on my position for like the longest time of my life. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang sabihin yun. But like any other people, kailangan kong dumilat. So I did. I slowly opened my eyes and let the light take over once again. Nilingon ko siya ng paunti unti. I guess ito na ung hardest part, the one where I'll be hurt. Pero hindi ganun. Akala ko that was the part where my whole world shuts down. Nakatayo parin siya sa pwesto niya kanina. Ang nagib alang ay ung maleta niya na nasa sahig na. Nabitawan ata. Her face was still the same, Poker face. No emotion. Wala man lang happy dahil sa revelation, or kahit galit man lang.
Pero yun ung problema. Mas masakit pa pala un, ung walang emosyon. Sana pala umalis na lang siya. I waned to cry, bu I can't. Walang luhang pumatak. Walang emosyon ang nabago sa kanya. Baki ganon. Mas masakit pa palang hindi ko maintindihan, kesa ung alam kong suko na siya. Pero san ba susuko diba? Wala naman talagang kailangang isuko? Wala namang mawawala, kasi nga wala namang kami. Wala namang pagmamahal. I felt angry? Hindi ko din alam. I clenched my fist and let anger took over me. Hanggang sa hindi ko na ito macontroll.
"Hindi mo ba ko marinig? I said, I'm falling inlove with you!" I shouted on top of my voice. Nagulat naman si Ara and she jumped a little. Her jaw dropped nung humarap siya sakin. Siguro dahil sa appearance ko. She closed and opened her mouth but nothing came out of her mouth.
"Ganun na lang? Wala bang ganun din ang nararamdaman mo? Wala man lang 'Pasensya na Thomas hindi kita gusto?' Litong lito na ko Ara! Sa mga pagkakataon na magkasama tayo ibang iba tong nararamdaman ko!" Sinigaw ko ulit habang nakasandal ang ulo ko sa malapit na pader, habng naiiyak.
"Akala mo ba ikaw lang? Akala mo ba ikaw lang tong litong lito? Ako ba Thomas tinanong mo? Kasi litong lito na talaga ako! Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang maramdaman tong nararamdaman ko!" She shouted back.
"Siguro nga tama ka," I said calmly.
"Hindi ko to dapat mararamdaman. Kasi at the end of the day masasaktan at masasaktan lang ako."Binulong ko. Trying to contain myself. I felt tears started to form.
"T-thomas" Binulong niya. Kahit siya naiiyak na din.
"Masasaktan lang ako! At pag dumating yun baka hindi ko kayanin! Kasi iiwan at iiwan mo rin naman ako! At pagumalis ka alam kong hindi ka na babalik. Maiiwan lang ulit akong magisa!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko! I shouted on top of my lungs.
"Katulad ka lang nilang lahat. Iniiwan ako." Binulong ko habang nakaluhod na sa sahig. Bo of my hands hurting myhead, sinasabunutan ko lang ang sarili ko. That feeling na I've been running away from, naabutan nanaman ako.
Parang bumalik ang pagkabata ko. Those years of therapy, paghihirap ni mom, lahat na nabaliwala sa isang iglap. Parang nagtantrum lang ulit ako. Let me tell you a story, I was once that bright boy wearing that smile, pero it was taken away with one blink of an eye. Lumaki ako sa side ng grandfather ko sa pampanga. My mother had a difficult time during her pregnancy wih Marra kaya kinailangan nilang magpunta sa states. Well that was just the peak of my separation anxiety. My lolo did have a hard time na makuha ang loob ko. I felt lonely that time, I didn't let any people enter my life. Kasi I don't understand, I'm just a kid. But as time goes on unti unti akong napalapit sa lolo ko, nawala ung depression na naramdaman ko. I even forgot about my parents. Nagextend sila ng nagextend hanggang sa 5 years ang dumaan. Malaki na si Marra nung umuwi sila, mga four na si Marra while I'm ten. Of course I understand more na. Nung dumating sila, they tried to take me away from my lolo. Pero they failed. Kaya sinama nila siya sa manila. Sa bahay namin. Si lolo pa nga nag nagturop sakin na magbasketball. I can't even recall a time na humawak si dad ng bola para saakin, para maturuan ako. Nung nasa bahay kami, I was distant with my parents, dahil distant din si dad sakin we never did have that kind of father and son relationship. Bka nung lumaki lang ako saka lang. Then a news came, hindi ko na actually maalala kung ano. Kailangan umuwi ni Lolo sa pampanga. So I was depressed. Hindi ko kinaya. I locked myself in my room. Dahil nga nwala ang parents ko, they don't know me. They don't know what to do. Then finally kinailangan na nila kaong dahil kay lolo dahil I would just kill myself because of starvation. Pero that was the worst decision they ever made. Dumating ako sa pampanga in mga grandfather's house. Sa sobrang excitement tumakbo agad ako papasok, then I saw something. My lolo hanging at the ceiling. A lifeless body that once thought me how to play, how to live. My father never told me the reason, and it was erased from my memory. I was alive but I was lifeless. I nearly even killed myself. Tinry ko na magoverdose ng gamot, and the was the time na my parents decided, this kid needs a therapy. That was a whole 5 years of process. And I was three years clean. Its a milestone for me. Then this came this situation came.
"T-thomas" Binulong ni Ara once again. I felt her hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me.
"A-alis na ko." I stated while standing up.
"Saan ka naman pupunta?" Nagtatakang pagtatanong ni Ara.
"I don't know." I simply said while searching for my keys.
"Kelan ka babalik?" Nagtanong ulit siya. At dahil dun napahinto ako.
"Hindi ko alam." She raised one of her eyebrows.
"Hindi ko alam kung babalik pa ako." I looked at her straight in the eye.
"Bakit mo ba to ginagawa Thomas? Alam kong hirap ka, peor nahihirapan din ako. I don't want to be alone. Let's find out what this feeling is Together." She held bothe of my hands.
"And we found out what it is, then let it be." She squeezed my hands. I looked at her straight into the eye.
"And then when we fall in love what? Mawawala ka na?" I said bitterly tinanggal ko ang pagkakahawak ng kamay nya sa kamay ko.
"Bat ka ba ganyan. I'm also afraid. I'm afraid to fall inlove. Akala mo mahirap na maiwan? Mas mahirap ung ikaw ung mangiiwan Thomas. Kasi nasasakanan ka hindi lang dahil sa sarili mong damdamin, kundi dahil iniisip kong masasaktan ko ung iiwan ko." Naiiyak niyang sinabi behind my back.
"Pero nagpapakatatag ako. Kasi kasi gusto kong mahanap ung sarili ko. Ung totoong ako. And when I'm with you I feel... me." She continued.
"Hindi lang naman ikaw ung naghahanap Ara eh. I'm searching for me too. I'm searching for the reason why... why do I exist." Binulong ko.
"So let's find the answers then. TOGETHER." She back hugged me. Dahil dun, I knew I melted. I closed my eyes and let my body feel hers.
"Hanapin naten kung sino tayo." Humarap ako sa kanya and I kissed her forehead. "Let's go." Sinabi ko at hinatak ko siya paalis.
"Saan naman tayo pupunta aber? " Sinabi niya habang tumatakbo kami. Hindi muna ako nagsalita. So tanong siya ng tanong syempre. She continued asking while I'm starting the car.
"Saan nga tayo pupunta?" Tanong niya habang nakakunot ang ulo sa shotgun seat.
"Hanapin natin kung saan nagmana ng kagandahan si Ara." Because of that lumaki ang eyes niya and it started twinkling. I just smirked and started the ride of the lifetime.
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Sabi ko nga guys slow uds. Sana pagtyagaan niyo muna! sorry talaga! Comment pa ha guys nawala din tayo sa rank chakrot. Nainsipered lang po ng jemik kaya nagud. Hmm kelan kaya ang ganap ng Thomara? Soon daw. hahahah! Un lang Wuv u all message pa more ahh!
BINABASA MO ANG
Dorm 188 (Thomara fanfic)
Fanfiction"She smiled, lived, she fell in love, she breathe and she died in this exact place, in this exact spot. He smiled, once lived, he fell in love and he was left devastated in this exact place, in this exact room." After 18 years she fell in love once...
