2024: my digital diary

02.01 Classes

Woke up at 10, left bed to have breakfast (scrambled egg, mini tomatoes and an orange), then I finished my Lexicology homework.

After I was done with it, I looked for a hairdresser's close to Cedric's Square, my neighbourhood. I called and booked an appointment for tomorrow at 10:00.

I then showered, as some broccoli and pasta boiled in the fire. I ate spaghetti with tomato and broccoli for lunch, then I walked to university.

I had two classes today: Philosophy and Lexicology. Nothing quite remarkable happened in any of them. Andy texted asking if I was at the faculty, so I met her once I left class, at around 18:45, before she went to her Latin 6 class.

I took the bus back home. At home, I did Philosophy homework (read a text by Russell), and then I went to the supermarket and bought some chocolates.

I cooked dinner: fish and chips! I ate, did the dishes and my skincare. Then I went to bed and read Dracula for a while, as I ate chocolates.

Tomorrow is the Budapest reunion dinner, and I'm really nervous about it. I'm excited to see Igor, tomorrow is also the official Erasmus meeting and I hope everything goes fine, but I'm especially nervous about seeing Owen at night.

I like him a little bit, the kind that makes me blush or have silly thoughts about him every once in a while. I am anxious because I don't know what will happen, tho I'm quite certain that probably nothing will happen. We already talked about it when we were in Budapest, and he really seems like the one-night-stand type of guy. I'm just anxious because I never really knew if I did anything wrong. In sex I mean. Or in general too. Probably I didn't do anything wrong, he just doesn't want to have sex with me again, for various reasons that don't concern me, but I don't know. I always have this feeling in me that I do it all wrong.

Cloyd liked my story the other day, and some days ago he liked a post that I posted about a month ago. I'm not sure what he means by those things, I'm not certain if he wants to reconnect again. I won't reach out to him, I know that. If he does, I doubt I will be able not to respond back. It is so hard for me to hate someone, and so easy to just miss everything.

Time has passed since Cloyd and I stopped contact. Since May 1st, the last time I saw him. Many things I regret doing and saying that weekend. Probably also him, but I can only know what I would change. If he asked to hang out again I'd probably say yes, and I'd probably hook up with him if he still wanted to.

Something I still haven't been able to get over about Cloyd is sex. I don't actively miss him anymore, but there will always be something pulling me towards him, in a very physical and sexual sense. When we were having sex, I really felt like his body was made for mine. So even tho I don't miss him anymore, it would be physically painful for me not to be close to him like that again, if we ever saw each other again.

I had a conversation about sex with Owen when we were in Budapest. He said something I don't quite remember, but something about being careful with sex, since it liberated very intense and strong emotions which could be easily confused with things they are not. He said something like "it is hard to approach sex in a mindful or coherent way, since it is such an intense experience that you have with someone, even if it is just once. it's a bond that is hard to let go of".

In a way I do feel closer to Owen than to Igor, which is very strange for me to say, because Igor has been a really good friend of mine for 2 years now, and Owen was just a 1 night stand and someone I lived/travelled with for only a week. But in a way it is true that out of all the people in the trip, Owen is the one I feel closer to, and I know that is obviously because we had sex, which is a very strong emotional bond, whether you want to admit it or not.

I know I feel this proximity also because this is relatively recent, it happened only a month ago and I haven't really talked to him since. It is okay, that is why I am nervous for tomorrow.

Saint told me that the night we went to DNA I had "ignored Owen all night", as he put it. In a way I did, I was scared to approach, I didn't want to bother him by seeming like I was after him, which I wasn't, I honestly only wanted to talk to him because he is a great guy and I'm really glad he was one of the people on the Budapest trip. But I was too scared, also because the end of the trip was a little more tense between him and I, because of the sex, not talking about the situation, accumulated tension, etc. I hope he didn't think I was ignoring him, or found the situation uncomfortable.

We talked about many things on the Budalest trip, Owen and I. When we had sex I mean. First of all I hope he liked it, I hate the thought of thinking I'm average at anything. He told me "you're pretty good at it" but still I doubt. I told him I have never come with a man, and he said that put pressure on him, in a way, which I did not like, nor fully understood. I think I inquired why but I can't remember his answer. We slept together for more nights but never kissed or did anything again. We slept cuddling for 2 more nights and at some point I noticed
things getting awkward so I asked him if everything was okay and we had a conversation then, where we talked about expectations, the past, the current situation, etc.

Anyway, good night now. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.