2024: my digital diary

04.15 NeoPunk Party

I will be quick since I am quite busy but I wanted to talk about the weekend.

On Friday 12th I went to NeoPunk with Sonny. The week was okay, just doing school work. On Friday, Sonny came to my place at 20 or so.

We talked in the living room and suddenly he opened the balcony door and stepped into it, and the red rays of sun hit him and his arms as he smoked and I couldn't help but think how good he looked. Anyway, I pushed that thought away from my mind quick.

It took us a long time to leave my place, mostly because we couldn't stop talking and listening to music. Then I showered at around 21 and we had dinner and we ended up leaving my apartment at around 23 and something. We went to the Riverside, which is close to NeoPunk, and we drank by Turing river.

Nate and Aline were there, and so was Emma, and some other friends of them who were a lowkey weird. I didn't drink.

The party went okay. I did half an MDMA pill with Aline, a line of K which Nate gave me, popper that strangers gave to me. Halfway through the night I ran into Julie and her flatmate Esther.

The music was really good tho the vibes of the place were a little strange, there was just a lot of very different people together in the same place. Sonny and I were together the entire night, dancing and talking. Esther approached him at some point and started pointing at/touching his tattoos, to the point in which Sonny had to take his shirt off because she wanted to see the ones in the back. I found the whole interaction hilarious, since Sonny isn't at all interested in Esther and he just simply doesn't know how to say no or be rude to anyone.

I don't remember many things. I also ran into Allan and Gina during the night. And Nine was there too, playing a set until 3am approx.

In the bathroom, Nate, Julie, Sonny, me and some other people were there just hanging, when suddenly a girl looked at me and said out loud "My god, you're so beautiful" in a very sincere tone of voice. I said thank you and Nate joined to the compliment saying "yes she is" and went on about it since he knows I'm quite insecure about my looks. I felt a little on the spot, but thankfully it didn't turn out to be awkward.

The club closed at 6:30 and Sonny and I went home. We smoked on the underground and arrived home at around 9 after buying some sweets at a bakery close to home. I joked to him saying "you're paying" (since I had invited him for dinner) and he joked back saying "daddy's paying" which hmmmmh. It made me think, I'm not sure if I wrote it in here, but one time we went to eat chinese, and I don't remember exactly how he worded it out, but he made some kind of joke about me and I answered back saying "what am i, your slut?", and he laughed, and then when we were having coffee he made another joke about that same thing where he said "of course, since you're my slut and all that". i mean, i feel like i need to address this.

is this flirting? i honestly cannot say it is. personally i don't say these things with the aim of flirting. i know very well that i dont feel that way towards him and there is also the factor of his girlfriend, for whom i have much respect for and i really mean that. i couldnt stand hurting her for something like this. i think sonny pretty much feels the same way around, i dont think there is any real intention behind these sort of jokes. but, i will say, i do think that having these sexual jokes between us is a way of playing with our silly fantasies in a very lowkey way. i mean that we both probably deep down enjoy a little of it, not just in the sense of a joke. like, i can't deny that when an attractive guy calls me his slut, that turns me on, etc. i dont think it is crazy to think that he enjoys it in a similar way too.

does this mean these jokes show that underneath we feel physically attracted to each other? i dont know and i dont like thinking of that scenario, i really dont. it brings a lot of moral conflict that i dislike. im comfortable knowing that sonny is one of my best friends right now, and that obviously he is a quite handome guy, i can't deny that. im comfortable knowing this since i know that im not going to make a move, nor i want to. i cant know if he finds me attractive too, but truth is, i dont want to know, since that makes this an issue, and not just a silly joke. i feel safe in the idea that im not going to make a move and he isnt going to make a move, and i really do not want that to change. mostly for 2 factors: 1. i truly dont want to ruin our friendship 2. there is no reason for me to hurt martha (his girlfriend) like that.

so yeah i just felt like i needed to adress the joke thing. it is not a sexual tension thing, i would not say i have ever felt true sexual tension around him, indeed, i feel really weird and uncomfortable thinking and writing about it right now. indeed im going to stop that now.

i dont know what i was saying. yeah so we came back from the party, i slept on the bed, he slept on the couch, then the following morning we woke up at 16:30 and cooked lunch. then we looked at apartments to live in Istanbul for the upcoming year, since we are going abroad together on erasmus. after some hours we stopped and we just talked and then he left at around 20 or 21.

Today, monday 15, i went to class and organized the things i have left to do before my final exams, and then organized my exams, and i realized, there isnt actually so much left to do, and the summer is just around the corner. i am genuinely excited about that.

I will either go to Cyprus with Aline to work, or stay in Sun Valley, working as well. Either scenario, I'm happy about the summer to come.

Bye.