2024: my digital diary

02.12 February Feelings

I wrote this about February 03:

On Sunday I woke up with Saint's hands around my waist. I was hugging him too, and Vinnie's bed was especially comfortable.

We left the bed after a while and I went to shower. At 11:30, we had a reservation for brunch at a restaurant. We walked over to the place, called The Indian, and we ordered lots of food (potatoes, horse meat, eggs, jalapeños...), a bottle of wine and coffee with whiskey for dessert.

We spent about 2 hours there, just talking, eating and sunbathing. Rachel then left and Nate, Saint and I took a scroll across the countryside and visited a 16th century castle. Then we headed back. Saint was again complaining about everything, like he always does.

Finally, in his flat, he said something very rude to me, and I was so mad at him because of that and so many other things preceding that, that I got up, packed my things and left without saying a word. And all that time he just stretched and laid on the sofa ignoring me.

12.02
So, it's been about a week and a half since I wrote that, majorly because a lot has been happening and I either couldn't find the time or the energy to write about what was going on.

I had a lot of mood changes, one concerning Saint. I started ignoring him because I was saturated of our friendship dynamics and I didn't really know how to talk to him about what I felt. He has been talking to me all week, multiple times a day, as if nothing was up, until today he finally texted "what's up with youuu why don't you answer?" and I said to him "sorry, i've been really stressed for the last week (true) and there's also something i wanted to talk to you about, i'll text you this week". I don't want to delay this conversation beyond Friday because I will probably go to DNA and Saint will be working there and that is not the time nor the place to have such conversation. I'll update about this once I talk with him.

My biggest source of anxiety was my Erasmus/International Programme decision. So, to inform, I was selected to go to Istanbul with Sonny, don't know if I ever mentioned that here. And in the International I was selected for Indonesia, but I wanted to change my destination for Shanghai, for various reasons, which I couldn't do and I cried for 3 days about it because I really wanted to go to China for a year. That is until I talked to my counsellor today, who is an angel fallen from the sky, and she said that I should go with Sonny next year to Istanbul, and then the following year to Shanghai, and that she would allow me to do my Final Dissertation abroad.

This is not definitive news. Like, it is official that I could do this if I wanted to. And I really want to do this. I just don't want to get overly hyped about it. It is also massively scary to be away from home for 2 years and so far away.

So that has been on my mind 24/7. I had a wonderful conversation with Julie, drinking coffee, in Alexander's balcony, where she advised me about what to do and she comforted me during the days in which I thought I couldn't go to Shanghai, which was quite liberating. She also comforted me about Saint and she advised me: "take your time if you really need a break from him, but of course you are going to have to talk to him and communicate to him your feelings about the situation at some point. And you will do that because you love him and he is your friend, and he deserves to be aware about what is going on and you both deserve the chance to get through this maturely, through conversation and understanding".

I also spent 1 day with Aline. We went to a country music concert in Ice Factory, then had food at my apartment and then read/studied in the sofa and talked a lot in the balcony. Aline is Saint's ex-girlfriend. I didn't say anything but she was visibly very distressed about the breakup, which was some months ago, and I felt extremely bad for her, for she is such a good-hearted girl, but I really didn't have the courage to say anything, since I didn't want to mess anything up with the wrong words.

I also had a super long conversation with Igor where he really comforted me because I told him I was developing mixed feelings for Owen, and Igor surprised me the most in how incredibly attentive and nurturing he was to me. He listened to me amazingly and he gave me really good advise which I want to leave here:

"I think you might be getting confused because you currently crave a certain physical closeness with someone, and in the end you associate Owen with that —the trip, the sex, which are strong emotions which you might be longing for. And perhaps you wanted more out of what happened in Budapest and knowing that with Owen you have a certain complicity, you might be developing interest after the trip, because you lack and want this closeness with someone. You should make sure that whatever you feel for him does not come from trying to cover a social/physical/romantic/self-esteem kind of void, but instead from appreciating Owen because you like him earnestly as a person and for who he is".

We did more things this week. We had lunch in Gina's countryside house, it was very nice and fun. Igor, Nine, Cedric, Allan and other people were there. We also had a presentation on Bertrand Russell for our Philosophy class and we scored a 9, which is nice.

Finally, Sonny and I have made a series of bets regarding habits that we want to improve. I have to stop being a social smoker, to stop drinking alcohol if it is not at parties, to stop coffee + milk (they usually give me stomach ache), and I also can only be late 3 times this semester, and I can only skip 1 class per subject this semester. Each time we fail, we will owe €5 to each other. This week was the trial period, which went well. We officially start on Wednesday.

I think those are the most relevant events of the past week/2 weeks. I've done many more things but those are the more relevant ones, I'd say.

I am feeling sleepy, it is currently quite late and tomorrow and I want to wake up and finish Dracula in the morning (35 pages to go!). Good night, promise I'll write tomorrow.