2024: my digital diary

07.05 Torino

Hi, I didn't write for a while, it's been some busy and intense weeks. I moved out of Sun Valley and I don't have a flat there anymore, the moving out process was pretty stressful and I still have to drop off a lot of stuff at my mom's house in Boathouse.

Back in Boathouse it was terrible, I don't even want to write about it, just stupid drama because of my dad. It's come to the point in which I'm starting to profoundly hate him.

Then I left for Torino, Aberforth's hometown, since there were some festivities happening and he invited the whole friend group. I'm still here, this is the second night. I don't know what I came here for.

Last night was bad, I decided I didn't want to drink because it usually hurts my stomach. I had a lot of anxiety, I could barely be around people. I went home at 1am.

The day before was okay, taking the train and all that. Mark and Sonny stayed with me in Torino with a friend of mine who has a flat here. We talked and smoked a joint in a basketball court nearby, it was funny.

Today was even worse. It was raining a lot, which didn't help, it was quite cold. I tried drinking but my mood was so down. Once more I had anxiety and I couldn't even figure out why. I left without saying anything to wander around and sat at some stairs. Sonny called 5 minutes after I left, asking where was I, I said I left because I had anxiety and he asked if I want him to go where I was. He came to see me, we talked for a little while and then he walked me half way home. He said to me I didn't have to feel guilty for being sad, and he told me I wasn't ruining the plan for it, nor was anyone going to be mad at me for it. I don't know.

I'm in bed. I think the anxiety is related to Sonny. I'm realising I like him more than I thought. I get a little jealous when I see a picture of him and his girlfriend. He's just very pretty and good and something about us being just friends makes me very sad. Because it is true, we are just friends and that is something I have to begin to accept.

I'm also very glad he is my best friend, I wouldn't change that for anything. I guess maturing has to do with realising that if you really like someone, it is better to be good friends with them than dating them. I just have to be okay with that.

When we were together in Maple Bay for a week I just felt so good and comfortable around him. It was only us all the time and I felt like it was a little bit of an unreal place where it was just us. It felt very unreal indeed, a bit like a taste of honey. Joking about dating, caressing my hair to sleep, being physically close all the time... Anyway, dating would ruin all that, I know I would ruin it like I always ruin everything, and I truly mean that. I much rather learn to be his friend that lose another person in my life because of not knowing how to love them.

After Torino I'm spending a couple of days at his place in Hauteville, with his brother and his dad too. A part of me is anxious to see how that will go, if we will return to those dynamics where we are so tender around each other.

I'm going to sleep.