2024: my digital diary

02.28 Lonely

I feel super sleepy, this time I won't take long.

I woke up at 10. I procrastinated in bed for an hour and then I woke up in order to shower and have breakfast. I ate a cup of kefir and some almonds because I was running late to French Literature.

I had class from 12 to 14 and then I went to the cafeteria, where I sat at a lunch table with my friends. I ate my food (potato, carrot, chickpeas and meat) and at 14:30 I left for the Roman Jakobson Library without talking.

I worked on a long Lexicology project due soon, then I took a break around 17. I went to the supermarket, bought a water bottle and a chocolate bar with almonds, and sat at a bench outside the library and listened to Generation X for 10 minutes as I ate chocolate and drank water on my own.

Back in the library, on the 3rd floor, I organised my French Lit notes and began studying chapter one, since I have an upcoming exam on the 13th. Towards 20 I began feeling very distracted because of the amount of study hours and Sonny texted and said that he had plans with the friend group.

I felt quite alone for some minutes. I lately don't go out much, I never share anything personal with anyone, I almost never party, I'm not on social media so I can't see the group chat... I'm afraid this is affecting my relationship with my friends because I have a lot less contact with them and I think they have lots of plans they don't tell me about because I always say no, or because they think I don't want to go out or have other friends. I guess in a way it is true, I usually go out with other people, I'm lately extremely centred on my studies... that leaves few time for going out and has turned me into much of an introvert at times. I felt a little lonely because they don't include me in many of their plans, not because they don't like me or anything like that, but because they know I'm likely not to join and because the only person I am truly close with is Sonny, and Sonny is, well, Sonny. He's not the kind of person to care or think about these things. That's okay. I'm quite cold with people. I don't mean to be, I am extremely fond of everyone and I am a very emotional individual— I just can't exteriorise things like most people can, especially in terms of physical and verbal affection. Lin always hugs and compliments everyone. To me this is strange, I would feel like I am invading their personal and mental space. It is so hard for me to become physically warm with someone. In a way I admire this about Lin, because I can tell how showing people love, touch, affection, etc. is usually well answered and people frequently behave back in similar ways. In other aspects it makes me sad because I'll never be like that. And in other aspects it makes me mad and jealous, especially around Sonny. It doesn't angry me that she's often very close to him, grabbing his arm when they walk, playfully touching his hair, things like that. What angries me I guess is knowing that I can't do that. It angries me that she is much closer to him physically than I have ever been, which feels deeply unfair to me, because I know that Sonny and I have a way deeper and stronger friendship than the one they have. I guess I'm mad that she gets to be like that around him without actually being any close to him, like we are, and that somehow feels disrespectful to me. Or perhaps I'm just jealous that despite having a pretty close and sincere friendship with Sonny I could never be close and sincere with him physically. I don't mean sex or anything like that, not at all, just simple things like grabbing his arm, I feel like those things would be quite awkward between us, or like there us a big ice to break in order to get to that point. We are both very shy people when it comes to emotional display. Also because he has a girlfriend, and I have much respect for her, and would hate if she hated me or felt nervous or jealous about me, so I also try to keep my distance simply out of respect for the two of them.

And that was me overthinking again. Actually this is the first time I write this down, so I think it was okay. I needed to get it out some way.

At 20:30 I left the library. I took a bus home and as soon as I arrived I washed the dishes and had dinner (chinese food leftovers). I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and at 21:50 I met up with Alys and we took the bus to Babylon Pictures.

We watched Priscilla by Coppola. I thought I would love it, I simply liked it. We had many thoughts which we discussed after the film and on our walk back home in the night. I'm too tired to write them down after that long paragraph.

Now I'm in bed. Tomorrow another long tiring study day awaits me. Talk to you soon.