2024: my digital diary

07.30 Summer

Last time I wrote in here I was feeling very depressed, I'm better now.

I've been up to many things lately. I had to go back to Sun Valley to retake my IELTs exam, and also for Sonny's mom birthday.

The day before I left I had dinner with my dad and mom at a restaurant in town. Boathouse is more and more crowded with tourists each summer, and I don't know how I feel about it. I can feel the town changing around me even though I'm rarely here.

I bought flowers and wine for Clary (Sonny's mom) and Shaun (Sonny's grandparent), and I found myself distressed about what to wear and what to bring to the birthday. I wanted to give a good impression, I wanted the family to like me I suppose.

I was very fun, we got drunk off of whiskey and wine, and we laughed and joked around a lot. Martha, Sonny's girlfriend, also came, and I noticed she was not having a lot of fun, indeed she seemed sad or worried about something. Tony was messing with her because she didn't eat almost anything (because apparently she doesn't like many foods) and then him and I also messed with her about because she was very innocent and childish and there are many slang words and expressions she's never heard before. Sonny was also messing with her about it, I'm not sure if perhaps this annoyed her at the end, I felt a little bad when I realised it.

Back home Sonny and I went to smoke weed to his grandparents, Tony was also there, and once more we shared a bed.

The following day I don't think we did much. Martha came to watch a film at home and at some point I saw her crying and I decided to leave the room to give them some space. At night I went to Nate's in Sun Valley and we talked for a while and then I went to sleep.

Saturday I had my IELTs exam. I had breakfast at a café by the Central Market as the town awakened, and at 8:45 I went to the venue and I took the exams, I did fine. I had a lunch break and so I went to a Chilean food place nearby which I like. Then I went back to my Speaking exam and at 14:20 I made my way back to Hauteville finally.

I brought Sonny a quesadilla from the restaurant and then we watched a film in the sofa or something. Later on Tony and Michelle came home, since that night we were going out to a party. We took turns to shower and then went to their grandparent's to have dinner and drink.

I drank 1 cup and I remembered why I don't like drinking for partying. My stomach hurt so I stopped drinking and went to the sofa to rest until they were finished and it was time to go. I went out sober, like I usually do.

We went to a techno open air event, it was very cool and for free. Something that made me happy was that we were sitting at a bench resting and Sonny went around the bench, stood behind me, and he put his hands on my shoulders and he began doing a massage, and then he caressed my shoulders while I rested my head against him.

We had a lot of fun and then we went back home walking. We had popcorn, chocolate and weed in the living room. Sonny and I went to the sofa to watch Insta Reels and he eventually layed his head on my stomach and after a while I said let's go to bed and we went to a bed together where we slept without cuddling. I think in the morning or in the middle of the night we did get closer and cuddled a little.

The next day we didn't do much, probably just eat at home and watch films. At 12, we went for lunch with his mom Clary, all of us. At first it was fine but then Clary brought up a conversation about her believing that Sonny and Martha should break up because Martha was probably going to get hurt because he was going abroad for a year, and because she was much sensitive and childish than him, and in general because they have very different tastes and values.

The situation was a bit violent, Sonny and I barely spoke. His brother Tony sometimes intervened saying that he agreed a little, and Mark did say that it's true that they have nothing in common. Eventually the conversation topic shifted to some thing else.

In the afternoon, we were cuddling and caressing each other's arms, hair, etc., when the doorbell rang and he told me Martha was downstairs. This felt violent because of course we didn't go back to cuddling, Sonny and Martha did. I know Martha would not be happy knowing how we actually spend time around each other. Like, it's not cheating, but it's a little hard to deny that there are feelings of some kind involved. I'm not very sure how to handle this situation.

Martha stayed for dinner, again I think she was sad in general, and I felt it was because I was there. Then she went back to her place and Sonny and I went to his grandmother's, we smoked weed, began watching a film, eventually moved it to the sofa where we began to fall asleep, and so we fell asleep cuddling, which we had never done before. Like usually when we sleep at night we keep some distance, but this time he has his arm around my head and I slept grabbing his arm and rested my head on top of it.

When we woke up in the morning it took us maybe 2 hours to leave the sofa and stayed in that position. Then I got a message from my mom, she was about to arrive in the 09:55 train from Elsenor to Sun Valley. So I showered and packed quick, then I had tomato on toast with Sonny and Tony at a café downstairs and then I went to pick up my mom, riding the bus from Hauteville to Sun Valley.

With mom, we did a little more moving out, since a lot of my things were still at Maeve and Alys', and after we were done packing, we rode downtown again and had lunch in Chinatown.

We then took the train at 16:35 from Sun Valley back to Elsenor and then rode the car to Boathouse and now here I am still. Not for long tho, I have to go to Mark's hometown in Trumont for the week, with the group, on August the 1st.

The Sonny thing, I don't know. I've written my feelings and thoughts about it many times. Yes I do like him a little, Im not sure to what extent he might like me but I think there is defenitely something there. Then Martha Im sure isn't happy about the way we are around each other, but I guess it just feels to good to stop. We'll go to Turkey and we'll see how things develop abroad. Im scared to hurt Martha, which I think she will nevertheless. I don't want to fuck up. I wish I could avoid pain for everyone but Im afraid in this situation it is not possible to not get hurt eventually. I'm scared about the moment when that will come for everyone. Hopefully it will never come.

Good night.