2024: my digital diary

02.21 Library

Didn't write before because there wasn't anything interesting to write about.

I mostly wasted time over the weekend and this week. Today was the first productive day in quite some time. I don't know why I have been so distracted lately. I can't let this get to my head too much.

I woke up at 11 and quickly left the bed. I dressed up and and went to the kitchen to have quick breakfast: a banana, a glass of kefir and some nuts. I grabbed my earphones and walked to university. I had one class, from 12 to 14, French Literature 201. I sat next to Dennis, who at some point in the lecture asked me if I wanted to go to the library with him that day. After class, I approached my professor to ask a question and he had me there talking to him for about 45 minutes. When I left the room I was tired and hungry.

Downstairs, at the cafeteria, I saw Sonny and Aberforth. I walked up to them, said hello, left soon after. I took the bus home and I cooked lunch: red beans, mushrooms, 3 sausages, 1 fried egg and 3 hot chillis. Dennis rang the doorbell whilst I was finishing cooking, and we talked in the kitchen and in the living room as I ate. Then I made some tea and we drank it in the terrace facing out the street, as I ate 2 biscuits he had brought for me.

We walked to the Medicine Library and sat at a table in the top floor and began studying, but I began feeling extremely sleepy so we left soon after to buy some food at the supermarket. I bought a sugary oat drink and a pain au chocolat. I ate and drank on our walk back to the Medicine Library.

We then studied at the library from 18:30 to 21:20, individually. At 21:20 we packed our stuff and crossed the avenue through the underground to avoid the street lights and the cold. We took the bus at the History Stop and rode home. We got off at the same stop, since we are neighbours, and we said bye at the cross-walk. I went home, tidied my room, put on my pyjama and cooked dinner: broccoli, mushrooms and aubergine.

I then wrote this, it is 21:40. I am tired but I will keep on doing my homework now, probably from bed. Then I'll head off to sleep because I want to be at the library tomorrow by 9, since at 11 I have to go play tennis with Sonny and Xavier.

I might eat another pain au chocolat now as I do homework from the bed. I have been eating so much lately, I think i have been quite anxious and it is my way of mitigating this anxiety which im not sure where it comes from. i think it might be coming from the fact that these last months ive stopped working out and im not studying as much as i did last year for example, and I consequently feel bad about not being productive enough, and that impacts my perception of myself and of how i spend my time and therefore gives me underlying anxiety. also not performing any sports affect me physically, i am more tired, psychologically too, etc, since sports used to be a great anxiety/pain releaser.

Okay, i will try to get back to my last year self. That includes very simple things:

1. work out 4 times a week, 1 cardio

2. study/do homework every day

3. do not skip class

4. wake up earlier

I am not completely unhappy with myself, there are many good things I have been carrying out which i wasn't last year. For example, for the past year, but especially these last months I have been able to do a big social media detox, especially Instagram. I barely use any socials anymore, and I've seen how that has impacted me greatly, since now I have better concentration and actually do things like reading or studying with a lot more frequency than I used to.

I also have been taking more care of how I look but not in an obsessive way. i am a lot more aware of how I want to appear, in terms of clothing, in terms of hair choices... i have been able to completely let go of make up (i never use it, sometimes not even at parties, and that doesn't impact my physical confidence).

I don't know, there are lots of things I have improved. But yeah, I'll try to stick to that model simply because I know what it feels like to have those 4 things under control, and it feels wonderful.

Good night.