2024: my digital diary

04.23 University

The final days of my second year of university are approaching, and these days I have so much work to do. My computer broke down a week or two ago and I've been delaying going to the store to get an Ipad and I've been taking hand-written notes all this time.

I'm just fed up with assignments, papers and books to read. I virtually have a lot more work than last semester— or last year, for the matter.

I have so much to do that it is a quite overwhelming and as a consequence I've grown a little unmotivated— feeling down often, physical tiresomeness (also related to the fact that I've stopped working out), skipping class a lot more frequently than I normally do, and a lot of procrastination and delaying things.

Yeah, I have to do something about this already. I still do a lot of things, today I spent the morning working on a Locke project and the afternoon on a Modiano debate that I have tomorrow. But the weekend was a waste, for example. So it really comes and finds depending on my mood and the urgency that X task requires.

Anyway, a way of putting a stop to this and feeling motivated again I'm pretty sure will be working out again. I would start tomorrow morning but I literally can't: I have a debate at 12 that I have to prepare for at 09 am. And then I will go home, eat, and then go to the centre of town to buy the Ipad that I need for school. I think I can fit a spare hour for a home workout after I'm back from the store, around mid-afternoon. Then I should get back to work— probably reading or finishing essays. And then I really want to commit to morning workouts (5x) and meditations (2x) every day, to have a good start in my day. And then the rest of the day will be library + attending classes. And I'll have to keep this pace until the beginning of June, which is when I'll finish my exams— ideally.

Finally, I want to address and forget about something that happened today with Sonny. Nothing special, just the usual jokes that we have around each other. They're fun and playful but Im not sure I want them anymore. I think they sometimes get too playful and I feel a little bad about Martha, his girlfriend. I'm sure Sonny keeps with the jokes because he doesn't feel like this is disrespectful— because he doesn't do it with any real intention, like I've written before, just like I don't either. But I feel like joking so much in a sexual undertone, even if it doesn't come from any real place, can eventually turn into something like it, and I don't want that cause it scares me, among other things.

And this is both our "fault", I mean that we both do this jokes equally, and I say I don't want these jokes but I keep on making them and so does he. Today for instance he said something about me being a bitch (joke) and I said something like "well bitches imitate their owners" (implying that is him) and he later on kept that joke going once or twice. Yeah nah that's enough.

Especially when we spend so much time together. We talk constantly through text, we are in almost all of our clases together, so I see him almost every week day and many weekends. In fact, today we have planned baking a cake on Friday, then watching some films, then he'll stay over and we'll spend Saturday at the library. We do weekend plans like this often too. It's honestly overwhelming at least for me, I tend to get bored of people because pf talking to them so much. I also feel like I can quite overwhelming when I have a lot of confidence with someone, and I don't want this to happen to us. And I'm afraid this is going to turn into a problem eventually. Even his brother Tony and friends in general remind us in jokes about the "situation". For example Tony constantly messes with us asking if we've ever had sex, or who is the more dominant one in bed etc, and we have to either ignore the comment or come back with a witty reply to not make the situation strange.

It is a fact that we both know -even tho we've never spoken about it- that our friends suspect of us, even if it is just in a funny, unmeaningful way. And I'm glad we don't let that get to our friendship and that we are able to have a comfortable close friendship around each other. I would honestly hate it if I started liking him or he liked me or any scenario like that, I don't want that to happen.

In fact I'll stop talking about this as of right now, I've said enough. Bye