Yours Is The Only Ocean

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

TRIGGER WARNING - features death of a child

Alex only made it as far as the steps leading up to the house before collapsing. His stomach heaved and his body shook uncontrollably. The sheer horror at what he had just done was so overwhelming he felt he might die of shame. He had no idea what had driven him to kiss Miles, and what made it worse was that Miles had responded to him. He'd have felt better if Miles had punched him or pushed him away, but for just a few sweet moments, their connection had felt so natural and tender, it was as though there had been some inevitability to it. But as soon as Mile had touched his body, all he'd felt was fear and self-loathing. Now all he wanted was to rip that beast that desired men from himself.

"Alex?"

He turned around. As ever, Eliza appeared like an angel. She had a while silk wrap around her shoulders to protect her from the cold, but still her teeth were chattering.

"I'll be in shortly," he said, trying his best to smile to reassure her. "I just felt a little queasy."

"Come in out of the rain," she said, holding out her hand. "We can sit inside."

Alex hadn't even noticed it was raining. When had it started?

He took Eliza's hand and stood up, feeling the ground beneath him move slightly. He followed her into the house and instead of going into the reception room, Eliza led him into the Bird room, so called because the walls were covered in drawings of wild birds. It was small and cosy and Alex had memories of being in here snuggled up with his mother and Evelyn when they were small, and her teaching them Spanish words, even though their father only wanted them to speak English.

Eliza pulled him down onto the plump blue sofa, where he'd sit with his mother and sister, and she took his cold hands within her silk gloved fingers.

"What troubles you, so?" she asked. "You never seem happy these days."

"I don't know. I think it's the fire and not rescuing everyone. I wish I could have done more."

"You did more than most people would have done, Alex. I heard your stepmother gossiping about how much it is going to cost you."

"I have money, it's more that I feel so overwhelmed."

"I'm so lucky to be marrying you. I couldn't wish for a kinder husband."

Alex looked at her. She was so beautiful, like a doll, with her high cheekbones and the usually almost shape to her grey-blue eyes and the hooded lids. Any man would be filled with desire for her, but Alex felt nothing. He wished she could evoke that carnal, animalistic desire that Miles did. At least that would be normal.

Without thinking, he lunged forward and kissed Eliza on the lips, but unlike Miles, who responded, Eliza shrieked and jumped back.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"We're going to be married, Eliza. What harm is there in kissing?"

"Because it isn't proper, Alex."

"Let's get married now, not wait until May. I don't want a fuss, do you? We could go away somewhere afterwards. Why don't we go to China. We could visit your mother's grave."

"Alex what has come over you? Why are you saying all this?"

"I'm not interested in the wedding, are you? It's just to please my father and stepmother. It's what happens afterwards that matters. I've never been outside of England. I would love to see China, where you were born."

"Alex there is something I need to tell you about that. My mother. She wasn't a noblewoman."

"Well who was she, then?"