👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R20 A Second Scar

👵》Cover / Title
The cover is okay in relation to the blurb, it gives me a feel of inner conflict as he is looking at his reflection in the mirror, is there a scene in the story where he reflects on his identity? Considering he is emotionally affected by Kion receiving a scar. Which as I understand it is a great honour, so maybe Kion receiving the scar made him feel "less" or incompetent.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The blurb tells who Yenye is, and the focus of the story seems to be his emotions and reaction particularly to Kion having received his scar. I didn't read that far into the story yet so I am not sure if it aligns with the story but I think you could do more to sell the story to the readers. It feels too vague for me, what is it really about? Him having a rivalry with Kion causing conflict within the group? His loyalty faltering and him turning to another group or creating his own? Hints about what the story is going to be would be nice.

👵》World
The world needs more setups, there is a lack of visuals in the scenes as it is, even if it is fanfiction, how does the scene where the character is look like? You still have to create the world through the character's eyes and how they perceive it. Reading through the story it feels empty, a lot of telling instead of showing. Definitely need to set the scenes more and focus on showing.

👵》Plot & Conflict
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👵》Characters
In my opinion, character introduction is necessary in a fanfic because we are readers first, so a description of the character should definitely be added even if vague to at least give readers an idea of how the characters look like. And there needs to be more of the character's responses (Expression / body language / voice), to make them feel alive as the scene progresses instead of just empty narration.

I notice that you used character introspection as exposition (Relationship / Backstory), in fact it feels like the whole chapter is full of it so definitely a lot of telling feel to it. A better way in my opinion, would be to show the character in action, for example instead of telling how angry and ferocious Yenye is in battle. It would be much better to see him in action, how would a ferocious lion/hyena fight? Let his action speak. (Show don't tell)

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
I think the writing style could be easier on the eyes, there is a lack of space between paragraphs that the whole chapter looks like a whole paragraph. Definitely need to make it easier to read in my opinion, first impression and all. And the sentence structure, feels choppy. I think that, you could, afford, to have longer sentences. See what I did there? A lot of pauses that disrupts the flow so yeah. Better presentation and once that is out of the way, you could focus more on showing instead of telling. Does this feel like a wall of text yet? 😂 Honestly though, paragraph spacing needs to be fixed.