👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R36 Journey Of Love

👵》Cover / Title
The cover is okay but the title isn't as interesting in my opinion.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
It introduces the characters and their circumstances, very clear on what the story is about so that is good, though I do find that it is still lacking. I don't feel a strong need to want to read the story from the blurb alone, it definitely needs a stronger hook or premise.

👵》World
Early on I see that you are trying to build the world of the story. It seems that you have an idea on what to do but just haven't gotten the execution down yet (Practice makes perfect!), and you could try to show the world through the character's eyes. How else can you show that the sun is bright? Could be the character turning her face away as she goes out, squinting as the ray of light blinds her.

That is how most people write things at least (In my reading experience), and having visual backdrop for the scene the character is in would be nice, even if it is brief as long as it paints an idea of what the immediate surroundings look like. I didn't get far but it does feel a little empty.

👵》Plot & Conflict
Didn't get to the plot / conflict yet.

👵》Characters
The character could use descriptions on how they look, and her experience in my opinion would also be better felt, I think it would be better to write her taking off her damp clothing (Hinting it had been absorbing her sweats) and wiping sweat off her skin with it, (Showing that she is still sweating, highlighting the heat considering she is still sweating despite being indoor), could even add character introspection to showcase her frustration with the heat as she goes to take a bath hehe.

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
There is a lot of telling in the writing, which for me makes it hard to be engaged in the story because I am reading it / being told instead of experiencing it. So I would say definitely practise showing the scene unfold rather than just telling readers what is happening, and improving English would help with the framing and sentence structure for better reading flow.