👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R26 The Edge Of The World

👵》Cover / Title
I have mixed feelings about the cover and title, the cover itself is not really good but not bad either? But the title does make it sound like she disappeared to the edge of the world 😂And judging from the image, she is with someone she loves. I would say the cover and title is bad but could always be better.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
You introduce the character but not the conflict of the story, it focuses on her disappearing during her birthday but doesn't give enough mystery as to why, I think you need to give a bit of information for people to speculate about the whole situation surrounding her disappearance. For example;

Bhairavi Sen was an aspiring journalist who worked relentlessly to expose political propaganda (Character goal), there are accounts of people claiming that her father, a politician whose views she challenges in her writing is responsible for her disappearance.(Conflict and possible perp) But according to her friends, it is said that she frequently talks of a man stalking her and sending her creepy love letters. (Possible perp but without clear motive)

Where is Bhairavi Sen? What happened to her on her birthday? Is her disappearance part of a political move or is she kidnapped by an obsessed stalker? Is she even alive still? (The hook and premise)

Or something like that, I just feel like the blurb is too vague that I don't even know what to expect from the story that I'd just put it away instead of reading. 😖

👵》World
I see that you try to build the scene which is good, but a better way might be to show rather than tell because you want the reader to experience what is happening. For example instead of telling it was a hot summer day and the AC trying hard to cool the interior describe the experience;

Heat waves radiating above the ground as she walks, sweat breaking out of her back as the sun scorches her skin, quickly she pulls open the door and enters the clinic to find shade but even the large air conditioner was no match for summer. Heat still clings to the room despite the AC displaying sixteen degree celsius as it hums with full power.

Or something like that, I don't know how AC works. 😂

👵》Plot & Conflict
The plot isn't apparent in the first chapter, and the character situation is not introduced well enough to me as I don't even know why she is doing what she did, and it's hard to spot the conflicts she is going through except that her father might be angry about her decision.

And the blurb is vague too so I don't really know the character motivation, I am just trying to pick up any foreshadowing that might lead to her disappearance but really feels like the first chapter is just empty. Like there is nothing going on? First chapter needs to be the best in my opinion because if it's not strong enough to hook readers then no one would read the next page.

Using my blurb as an example, I would feed the readers with foreshadowing prior to her disappearance, showing her father being mad at her through a violent outburst, then showing her picking up a creepy love letter on her windshield and feeling like she is being watched in her own home so readers want to know who eventually caused her disappearance.

👵》Characters
The story is heavy on character introspection and telling, one way to expose things about the character could be through relatability, for example there could be a young woman in the clinic being accompanied by her father which triggers her issue with her own father who didn't have the time to be with her instead of just dumping that information out of nowhere. You could even add that the girl's father is calm and gentle in contrast to hers.

And I think you need to make the character motivation clear, descriptions of the characters would be nice as well, and to establish her situation and relationships that relates to the plot. The character introduction sure feels empty at the moment...(First chapter)

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
I think you have the right ideas on how to write the story. I see you trying to use five senses to create the scene the character is in, so you definitely need more practice to execute it better, also focus on improving your English because it is noticeable even to me (I am not good at english too), And to focus on the flow when writing because as it is, the writing feels kinda choppy in my opinion.

"She was waiting to show her test results to her gynaecologist. She could guess what she was going to tell her. She was partly anxious and partly excited. She herself could summarise the results. Her first attempt at IVF might finally be true." Could be rewritten as "She was both anxious and excited as she waited, she could tell that her first attempt at IVF might come true from the test results in her hands, all she needed was the gynaecologist's words to confirm her speculation." Less full stops, longer sentences for better flow, short sentences are better used in fast pace scenes in my opinion.

TLDR ; The story needs a better blurb that establishes what the story is about, and the first scene needs to establish what the character motivations are, and it would be great if they tie in with her disappearance. And definitely focus on improving your english, Show don't tell and reading flow. Good luck!