👵Gran Review👵 (Temporarily Closed)

#R37 How We Began

👵》Cover / Title
I think you can find a better cover, but I won't comment much about the title since I don't have enough information about the plot to know if it is fitting or not.

👵》Blurb/Story Description
The blurb briefly introduces the characters and the obstacle (Familiar enemy), though it does lack the depth needed to generate interest, too little information to go on that we don't really know what the story is about. How do I put it? Let me try it.

"Emily is a model who lives in Chicago, and it turns out that the manager is her enemy, how will the story turn out?"

"Going through a financial crisis following the death of her father, Emily finally got a contract for a modelling agency but discovered that her manager is her highschool ex, and he has not gotten over their break up yet. But he is not here to win her over, knowing her situation he is using his power to coerce her into a relationship, will she be able to survive in the world of modelling and navigate through his schemes and tactics?"

The former doesn't have enough context compared to the latter, and is too broad on what the story is about, the latter is a lot more clearer on the goal, conflict and stakes. Hope I explained that well, I am not a writer myself but I tried. 😅

👵》World
I see that you are trying to set the time and place at the start, though I think it is better to show the scenes rather than just telling it, personally I find it more engaging to read a story where the author uses showing. For example, in a book I read "The Queen Of Arrows"

"It had been hours since the sky slowly changed from fiery orange to darker purple, then the stars twinkled as thick white clouds drifted lazily through the horizon driven by a balm late summer wind."

I think that is more fun to read rather than..."It was night time." Hehe.

👵》Plot & Conflict
I can't comment on this as I haven't reached it yet, and the blurb doesn't have enough information to have an opinion about it, though you can still focus on the other parts.

👵》Characters
I know its fanfiction but I do believe that character descriptions are still needed, and also of course everything that encompasses what makes a character such as personality and behaviours. You do use body languages, maybe add a bit of character introspection of how the characters feel or think about something / someone. And even how they perceive things / people.

👵》Enjoyment/Engagement
Personally I think the writing style could be improved, it does feel a little dialogue heavy with not much of anything else, so I definitely would recommend fleshing out the scenes with descriptions and actions. It is not very engaging to just read a lot of dialogues in my opinion.