Risk Taker [Englot]

Chapter 11

I made sure that I was presentable and got down to the lobby. Charlotte was waiting for me, still on her phone. I didn't reply to her texts and hoped I didn't make her anxious. I put on a smile and got to her. She got up as soon as she saw me.

"Hey? What's up?" she asked in a soft and concerned voice as she hugged me.

Fuck. My throat started to hurt. I shook my head and hid my face, hugging her back, before the tears crept to my eyes again. Realizing that she cared for me in this way was affecting me. Charlotte really was so precious. But I couldn't lay my fears and doubts on her like this...

"Engfa? You can talk to me." she said, caressing my back.

I took a deep breath and put on a smile again. Taking Charlotte's hand in mine, I led her out in the street and we started walking... I didn't know where to... Was it me or her? Or both of us? But our fingers interlaced. This made me weak... My brain wasn't working properly again. I was torn... between keeping it all inside... or being honest and opening to her... Her fingers brushed gently on mine...

"I was on the phone with Apo." the words left my mouth but I kept on walking, maybe she didn't hear me...

"Engfa, stop walking. I'm here for you, you can talk to me."

She stopped me, squeezing my hand and pulling gently, making me turn to face her. I looked into her eyes and nodded.

"Apo texted me while I was sending some emails to Nawat and the team... He got mad because he had to take care of Sun and Champ without me. Sun apparently broke a mirror with a toy. I know he didn't do it on purpose, he's not even four yet... I asked if he was ok and that's when Apo called... He was shouting on the phone, even though it's really early in the morning at home. I could hear baby Champ crying in the back. I got mad too and we ended up fighting on the phone. He hung up on me saying that he couldn't live like this anymore."

I said so much in so little time, like I was vomiting the words. I thought that if I could get it out of me fast I won't have the time to feel sad. But I was wrong. The tears came back again, I was so mad at myself for letting his words get to me... but maybe he was right... maybe I couldn't take care of my family the right way... Charlotte pulled me into another hug, hiding my face with her arm and hand. I tried to stop crying, swallowing my tears... I needed to explain what I was feeling to her...

"Charlotte, I..."

"Yes?"

"I'm not sad because Apo and I can't pretend anymore... I'm just scared for my kids. I couldn't give them the perfect life that should be theirs. I don't know how I will manage alone... I don't know what to do..." I said, hoping she would understand.

"You're a good mom, Engfa. Everybody's life is fucked up some way or another and they still manage to make the most of it. Your kids will have a good life, simply because they share it with you."

Her words sunk into me. Charlotte had a way to talk to me that went straight to my soul, warming me. I dried my tears from my face, trying to compose myself.

"You think so?" I asked.

"I know so. I'm not a really confident person but I'm confident that your heart is in a good place. You're always taking care of everything and everyone around you. You just forgot to take care of yourself, like most moms do." she said with a faint smile.

Fuck. What she said was so right. And hearing it made me realize that it was true for me too. It hurt a bit. I nodded but the words got stuck in my throat. I wanted to cry again but held strong... wiping my cheeks.

"I don't know how you're gonna get through all of this when we will be back home. But I know you'll manage. And I'll be there if you need someone to help, as best as I can." she squeezed my hand again.

"Thank you, Charlotte."

I was so lucky to have her with me right now... but I knew this was something I had to deal with alone. I couldn't ask her to help me... Not if I wanted to pursue being with her someday... I didn't even know if this would be something she would like...

"What I do know for sure is that right now we are on the other side of the globe. You can do nothing about what's happening in Bangkok. Life is lived in the present. Shift your focus on the moment." she told me, looking like she was also talking to herself.

But she was right again. Right now I couldn't do anything about it. We would be back home tomorrow... I took a deep breath, focusing on Charlotte. I needed to think about something else... I needed... a drink probably.

"You're right. Shall we walk for a bit and find a rooftop bar with a view for our last night in Manhattan?" I asked, trying to cheer myself up.

"That's a really good idea, let's go!" she said, smiling bright.

"Thank you for... comforting me, Charlotte." I mumbled, squeezing her hand as we walked.

"Oh, Engfa, no problem, really... You know we talked about it on the plane but... everybody should feel free to meet with someone... I mean a therapist..." she said, winking at me, "... to get some help. You can't deal with everything on your own all the time."

"I..." the words wouldn't come out.

"It's hard to take the first step... It's scary... but mental health is important. I've been working on it for a few years because of you know who... there's always something that can affect you, you know... As working women we have to deal with the pressure at work, but also being wives, moms... society expects us to deal with all that while looking good, working out, cooking, cleaning... It's ok to feel overwhelmed and lose track of ourselves..."

Charlotte was doing her best to try and convince me that I could get help. And she was right, except for my sister and Dolly I seldom asked for help in any aspect of my life. Maybe Charlotte wanted me to feel free to ask her if I needed... but I didn't know if I could... I didn't know if I was ready for something like that... I didn't know what we... were?

"Oh please, can we go inside?" Charlotte asked suddenly, pulling me towards a Lego Store.

"Do you still play with Lego bricks?" I teased her.

"It's not for me, it's for Miles. I said that I would bring him back a present from New York."

"Oh, right. I got the boys some toys at the museum gift shop during the break between workshops this morning."

"Nice. And I STILL play with bricks. I love Lego. I'm glad that I can share that with Miles."

"You never cease to amaze me, Miss Austin." I said honestly.

I was looking at her go through the different displays, searching for something. She jumped joyfully when she found what she was looking for. It made me smile to see her so happy. She had that sweet kid vibe about her that I liked a lot. I was somewhat the same about my own stuff... like sour mangoes... My friends loved to tease me about that... and I didn't mind because I knew mangoes were the best. So I decided to try and tease Charlotte.

"So what's your favorite Lego?" I asked, hoping to see her get crazy about the subject.

"Oh! Oh... good question... That's tough... Mmm it depends... Are we talking about the sets when I was a kid or like the newer ones? Because, you know, Lego bricks are still quite the same but the sets are getting wilder and wilder nowadays and..."

She didn't disappoint. I was trying to hold my laughter but it was so hard. She was goddamn cute! She saw me laugh and stopped talking.

"Are you making fun of me, Engfa?" she asked, shrugging her shoulders.

"No... no... absolutely not." I replied, forcing my mouth shut.

"You are!"

"No! I swear... you're just cute..."

"Do I need to remind you that you locked yourself inside a vault?" she said, putting her hands on her hips.

I had no idea what took over me but I smacked her arm quite hard, like I would have done to my friends and family.

"Hey!" she shouted, holding her arm.

"I'm sorry! I can be a little aggressive sometimes..." I was so ashamed to have let myself go and acted like this.

"Don't be, I'm the same. In fact, I kinda liked being smacked by you..." she replied.

Did she...? Fuck. I looked at her, like I was frozen in time. Did she just say that she liked being smacked by me? And why was she looking at me like that? Was that a smirk? Did she mean that...? No... Would she want me to... Fuck. What was I supposed to say now? Pictures of Charlotte's ass on my lap flood my brain... Damn, Engfa... My cheeks were getting red, I could feel it.

"Let's go find a bar." I said, grabbing her by the arm that I had just smacked.

We took our time, walking around, taking pictures. I really liked this moment. I felt like I was on a trip with a friend. Charlotte knew how to get me in the moment. Everything seemed new and exciting. We finally found a rooftop bar near Wall Street. We got seated pretty quickly and I was happy to not be walking anymore. The place was beautiful and the view even more. There was an open mic night at the bar and we talked while listening to various people go on stage to sing or play some instruments. Maybe it was the alcohol inside me but I started to feel like I wanted to sing too... I had promised my dad when he passed away that I would keep singing anytime I would have the opportunity. It has been so long since I sang in public. I excused myself to go to the restroom.

On my way there I asked a waiter how it worked to go on stage and he directed me towards a woman who was listing the names of the patrons that wanted to go up, including them in between local artists' sets. She told me she could fit me in ten minutes and asked me for the name of the song so she could find the instrumental online to play behind me. I felt a sudden adrenaline rush. I took my time to go to the restroom to relieve myself and fix my looks. I went back outside, waiting in a corner for my turn to go on stage. I couldn't see Charlotte from where I was standing, which means that she couldn't see me either.

The person before me left the stage and I replaced them, grabbing the mic. The woman gave me a slight nod and press play. The music started and the words flew out of me like I had done this my whole life. I always loved to sing. Singing was a place I could go to whenever I needed to reconnect with myself. At first I wanted to search for Charlotte, to look at her while singing but when my eyes started to go across the people I saw that a few got their phones out to record. I got somewhat shy and I closed my eyes when the notes went higher and kept them close for the rest of the song, trying to focus on the air flowing in and out of me.

"I was screaming all the words, shouting lyrics out the sunroof of my car... Singing hey there Delilah, I don't need someone to love... I'm a million miles from anyone but that's where I belong. With the city speeding past me, I've never felt so free beneath the sky... They say we're born to die but I was born to be alive..."

The music faded away and I heard the crowd of patrons cheer and applaud for me. I opened my eyes and bowed politely, happy to receive such warm feedback. I left the stage and went across the tables, bowing a few more times at people that were still clapping for me. I got back to Charlotte who was looking at me like I was the only one on the rooftop, smiling bright. But as I got closer I saw that she had tears in her eyes.

"Hey..." I said, sitting down next to her.

I wiped away the tears that were going down her cheeks and kissed her softly. I didn't care that we were in public. I just wanted to kiss her and to reassure her, whatever had made her emotional... I pulled back and looked at her face. She seemed relieved and she was blushing a little bit.

"You have the most beautiful voice I ever heard." Charlotte almost whispered to me.

"My dad teached me how to sing. He passed away a few years ago. I promised myself that I had to keep singing to honor him." I explained, feeling a bit emotional too.

"I'm sure that he is looking down on you, really proud."

Charlotte was such a caring person. I leaned against her and she wrapped her arms around me, rocking me gently following the music rhythm. I let myself melt in her embrace, my hands seeking some grip on her. One landed on her thigh and I felt the need grow inside of me. I tried to touch her softly, refraining myself from digging my nails as I caressed her. The way Charlotte was looking at me made me so weak.

"Engfa, can I tell you something? I need to get this out of my chest..."

Fear crept inside of me so fast. I didn't know what she could say... I nodded, unable to speak.

"I... I don't know what will happen tomorrow... but I know that I will always cherish the moments that we shared in New York... and I also know that I want more. I want you..."

My fear flew away in a sec. I was so relieved and I was so aroused. Charlotte's eyes were so dark... and the way she almost stuttered, her voice shy and raspy at the same time. Damn...

"Is it ok if we come back to the hotel right now?" I replied, almost shaking.

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Hello everyone, I hope you're still enjoying the story.
Did you see how Engfa melted when Char was rubbing cream on her shoulder? <3