Risk Taker [Englot]

Chapter 14

The tears were cascading down my cheeks. I couldn't stop sobbing. Leaving Charlotte after those few days together felt like a terrible decision. My heart was aching. All my fears were coming to my head at the same time. Charlotte going back to her husband... Our relationship at work deteriorating... Me fucking up my sons' life by getting a divorce... I needed to stop thinking like this. I wasn't the type to seek help but right now I knew I couldn't do it alone...

E🥭 : I'm on my way back home...
E🥭 : Can I call you tomorrow?

As the taxi turned left towards my street I started to dry my tears, trying to put on an "I'm ok" face before getting out. I found my keys inside my bag and opened the building door. I breathed deep and slow in the elevator, trying to compose myself. As soon as I turned the door handle I heard Sun yelling.

"Mommy!!! You back!! Paaa! Look! Mommy's here!!!"

My son ran towards me and tackled me in a warm hug. I hugged him back, lifting him off the ground, securing him in between my arms. I breathed in his scent and kissed his head. I had missed that little goofy guy. Baby Champ came running on all fours towards us, laughing like he always did when I picked him up at the daycare center. I kneeled down, Sun still snuggled against me. I moved him around so he was now resting on my side to let Champ access my other arm. He crawled along my leg and I hugged him too.

"How I missed you guys!" I said, squeezing them softly.

"Hi!" Apo said, smiling at us.

I smiled back, still hugging our boys... our time to talk would come later.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Sunny?"

"I broke the mirror..." he said in a really tiny voice, his face hidden in my neck.

"Daddy told me. Did you hurt yourself?"

He looked at me, shaking his head no.

"Good. Did you get scared?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Come here." I said, pulling him back into a hug with his brother.

Apo looked at me, crossing his arms like he already wasn't gonna agree with what I was going to say next. But I couldn't care less.

"Sunny, what matters to me is that you're safe. Ok?"

"Ok..." he said, a few tears coming to his eyes.

"Oh baby... I'm here now, ok? I'm not going anywhere..." I said, my throat getting tight.

"Maaaaa!" Champ said, starting to fidget around.

I let him go down on the floor and he got back on all fours, living is baby life.

"I know you didn't break the mirror on purpose, Sun... But try and play carefully so you don't end up hurting yourself or your little brother, ok?"

I dried his tears, trying to hold off mine. I knew that they were ok and that the mirror incident wasn't that big of a deal... but I couldn't stop thinking that being away from them half the time could mean not being here for them in those kinds of moments... My way of handling those situations was very different from Apo's and even if he was a good dad he could burst out screaming way more often than me...

The rest of the day was uneventful until the kids were put to bed. I joined Apo in the kitchen after I kissed them goodnight and we started talking about whatever. I was listening to him as he was explaining to me what happened at work while I was away... but I couldn't really focus on the latest office gossip. I was debating inside on how and when I could introduce the divorce topic...

"I want a divorce." I said in the flattest tone possible as if my brain didn't have any kind of filter on.

Apo looked at me with an utterly shocked face. He was cut mid sentence, probably still ranting about something at work that I didn't listen to. I was kinda sorry but not really. The words had escaped my mouth and they felt true to me. I was even relieved to have said it outloud.

"What... What do you mean you want a divorce?" he asked.

"I mean it. I want us to get divorced. We can't keep going like this..." I explained remaining calm.

"I don't understand... What is going on?"

"Apo... we don't love each other anymore. I can't stay married to you... I'm not happy."

"You're not happy? What's missing, Engfa?! The kids are healthy, you just changed your career path, you have a job that you like, I bring good money back home... How can you not be happy???" Apo said, still quite shocked and a bit angry.

"I..."

"And we don't love each other anymore? Where is that coming from??" he added.

"You've been cheating on me for months, Apo..."

His look told me that I was right but I let him reply before I said anything else.

"... well does that mean that I don't love you?"

"So you admit it?" I asked.

"Would you rather that I lied to you?? Yes, ok! I've been cheating on you! But you're never here and when you are you're angry or distant most of the time!"

I nodded. Now wasn't the time to fight about why I was distant or angry...

"I'm not going to fight with you... We'll have time to discuss the whys. What you said was right. We have a lot of luck. The kids are indeed healthy and we have good jobs to provide to them. I'm really grateful... but this doesn't make me happy. I want to be able to feel good being around my spouse and my kids, I want energy to be able to take care of them..."

"Then maybe you should think about quitting your job if you're tired... I'll take care of you three. I did it before I can do it again!" he snapped at me.

"No, Apo. This is not what I want. I want to keep my job and get a divorce. I want a new life..." I said, trying to not go overwhelmed.

"So you want to put your needs and your career before your family again?"

"I want to take care of myself to be able to present for the boys in a better way."

"Why can't you do that now? Why can we stay married? Are you seeing someone else???" he asked, raising his voice again.

"That's not..."

"Do you really need to break our family to be happy, Engfa?!"

That cut me... deep. His words hit just right in my fears. But I couldn't let that get the best of me. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep me from snapping back at him. I couldn't let the tears come out and show him any sign of weakness.

"I don't want to break up our family, I want to break up with you."

"But we make a good couple, everybody around us says so! Even lately!!"

"We used to. But it's been a while since we don't love each other, Apo. We've been faking for too long. I love you as Sun and Champ's dad... but I'm not in love with you anymore..."

"Well if we've been faking it right I don't understand why we can't keep doing it! Did you think about what a divorce could do to the kids???" he raised his voice again.

"I did..."

"So you made me support the family on my own to be able to find a better job and now that you have and you're making good money you want out?? Was this your plan from the start? Finding a decent man and using him in order to boost your own career??"

"You're mad if you think that's it!" I snapped back at him.

I didn't want to fight but he was getting on my nerves. I wanted to keep my calm but this was getting more and more difficult to do. Apo kept on arguing with me about getting divorced for a while. As the minutes went by he got angrier and yelled that he was leaving for the night. I looked at him taking his work backpack and going through our apartment door, nearly slamming it.

I let out a deep breath. I knew that this conversation wasn't over... but I was exhausted. The jet lag and Apo yelling had gotten the best of me. I couldn't help but feel half relieved and half afraid of what was going to come next. I took a shower and as the water was soothing me in its warm embrace I looked down at my body and saw the hickey Charlotte had left on the side of my breast. The tears came to my eyes instantly. I calmed down after a few minutes and got out. When I was ready to go to bed and finally slid under the bedsheets I felt really alone. I turned on my side and looked at the empty space next to me... In my heart I knew that I would have wanted Charlotte there. To let my eyes fall into hers, to watch her smile, to be wrapped in her embrace... But she wasn't there... She was probably wrapped in her husband's arms... Fuck...

I needed to push those bad thoughts away. I took my phone and resisted texting her, opening my sister's last text.

D👕: Did something happen?
D👕: I can call or I can come see you and the boys

Yeah... that was what I needed...

E🥭 : Yes, please, come have lunch with us tomorrow

Sunday morning was soft. The boys woke me up rather gently and not too early. We spent a long time hugging on Sun's bed, the three of us packed under his blanket. I had missed my boys. The feelings inside me were interlacing in a complex mix. I was happy to be with them, relieved to have started the divorce conversation with Apo, scared about the future and a little bit stressed out about how to tell my sons about it, especially to Sun... I was making breakfast when the bell rang.

"Mamaaaa!"

"Coming!" I said, going to the intercom on the wall.

I flipped it on and saw P'Daad on the screen.

"Auntie's heeeere!" she said joyfully.

I buzzed her in, trying to calm down my sons.

"Hey kiddos!" P'Daad greeted us as she opened the door.

"Auntie Dada!!"

"Hi, Sunny! What's up big boy?" she said, hugging him tenderly.

"Good! You're here for breakfast with us?"

"Yes and I brought sour mangoes!" she replied, winking at me.

We ate breakfast together and let the kids go play in the living room while we started talking on the couch. I told P'Daad about my conversation with Apo the night before. How I told him I wanted a divorce, how he threw back at me my selfishness, how he finally left home angry and affirming he didn't want to get a divorce... I was clearly getting frustrated as I was talking but I didn't want to cry in front of my sons.

"I know your husband is a complete jerk, sis... but you seem more sad than mad at him... What is it?"

I gulped. I really didn't want to cry right now. I took a few deep breaths to calm the turmoil of feelings inside of me and the fearful thoughts that were wreaking havoc in my head.

"I'm scared for them..." I said, lowering my voice and nodding towards my boys.

"Fa..."

"It's just that... getting a divorce will mean sharing custody... and seeing them only half of the time... They're so little..." I tried to hold back the tears but it was starting to get difficult.

"I understand... Can you have full custody?" P'Daad asked, taking my hand in hers.

"No... That wouldn't be fair to Apo. And I don't want the boys to grow up without him either..."

My sister tried to reassure me for a while. She said that it would take some time to adjust but we would eventually find some kind of balance in our new life. It was true that I was overworked lately and asked for the babysitter to take care of the boys often. By seeing them only every two weeks I would most probably leave work earlier on the days they would be with me...

"Are you sure that's all there is? Don't get me wrong, I know all this is scary... but you seem to carry something else..." P'Daad said after a while.

I couldn't hide anything from her... she knew me too well. But I wasn't ready to talk about Charlotte yet... I didn't know what we were... I didn't know what we could be... I was already sad to be apart from her after the few days we shared in New York but... thinking that it could be over now that she was back home was hard. I've said that I would wait for her... as long as she needed... but... Fuck. I needed to stop thinking about her otherwise I wouldn't be able to stop myself...

"No... that's all..." I lied.

My sister looked at me like she wasn't believing a single word I just said. But thankfully my phone buzzed and saved me from the conversation.

A🏍️ : I'll come back home tonight to pick up some stuff for the week
E🥭 : Ok

Auntie and I played with the boys, made lunch and read some stories before putting them down for a nap. During that time P'Daad called our mom's old friend to ask if her son was still an attorney. I knew she was going to tell our mom about it but since P'Daad was starting a fashion business maybe Mom wouldn't get all crazy about that request and wouldn't dig in too much...

We took some time to write to the attorney and I also sent an email to Nawat, explaining that I was going to go through divorce and that I would need a few days off to work things out. To my surprise, even though it was Sunday, he replied an hour later saying that he would grant me a full week to sort my life. He reminded me that the interviews for the graphic designer position that I had asked for a couple of weeks ago were supposed to start on friday. I would miss two of those but he was hoping to see me back at work in full operational mode to tackle the rest of them. He would inform HR about my week off and ask them to take half of it on my vacation days and the rest would be taken over my pay. He assured me that I didn't have to check my emails during that week and I should focus on my family. I remembered that Nawat had gone through divorce himself... maybe that was why he reacted so fast. He could be tough and demanding about work but he also had a kind side that he didn't show regularly.

I was relieved even though missing 2 and half days of salary could not be the best move if I had to start to pay for an attorney... I used to struggle financially but the last few years had been quite comfortable. Suddenly I feared that I wouldn't be able to provide for my sons after the divorce. It could be quite expensive and I didn't know what I would be left with at the end. Being able to rent a place on my own while taking care of two boys could get quite tricky during the first few months... I didn't say anything to my sister about that but she knew I was getting overwhelmed and offered to stay the night to help. I declined, promising that I was fine and that since I wasn't going to work I could take my sons to kindergarten and daycare center before going to meet with the attorney's assistant.

Apo came back at night when the boys were already asleep. He stuffed a bag with clothes while telling me that he was really mad and would need time to think about this whole "divorce shit talk". I tried to stay calm again but the tension in the room was so thick it was making me shake. When I said that I was meeting an attorney during the week Apo got mad, grabbed his bedside table lamp and threw it on the ground. I was shocked. Thankfully the boys didn't wake up because of the noise. Apo went out to fetch the brush and trash can. He apologized while picking up the pieces off the ground.

"Engfa... Will I still be... able to see the kids?" he asked, his voice trembling a little.

"Of course, Apo... We're going to share custody, right?"

He nodded silently, looking relieved, sad and sorry at the same time. Even though I knew he was seeing someone... since that's probably where he was going to spend the week, otherwise he would have told me who he was staying with... he wasn't a bad guy in this story. Going through divorce was going to be hard for him too. But staying together wasn't an option. I've been unhappy for too long and the constant fighting and arguing had to stop...

The next morning I got my boys ready and dropped them off, hugging them for dear life before I left them with their teacher and caretaker. I went to a cafe to unwind for a bit before the meeting at the attorney's office. I couldn't help but check on my emails though... Nawat had said that I didn't have to but I couldn't refrain myself and take my mind off of work. I was feeling guilty for leaving the team uninformed... But talking about my private life was never my thing... I settled for reading my emails but not replying. I worked for a bit on my current files to have less things to go over in a week... Yeah, I was able to negotiate...

There were no emails from Charlotte though... Well... It was still early in the morning so... But no texts either... Fuck... Why was I thinking like that? Should I text her? To let her know I was ok... Would she care if she didn't see me at work? What if she didn't? My heart started to ache so I chugged down my latte to shift my focus. The soon to be sugar rush would help... maybe...

The meeting with the attorney's assistant stressed me out. He told me that I could meet with Mr Nampan on Thursday and we went over the basics of the procedure. It was going to cost me a lot of money... Since he hadn't talked with the attorney himself, his assistant explained that he didn't have the time to go over everything with me today. He asked me to come back the next day to talk about what I could expect to go through with us selling our apartment. So I went on with my day and came back on Tuesday afternoon. Basically, the settlement on the apartment was going to be rougher than the shared custody. Apo could ask for more than half since he provided more when we bought it and was the only one to pay our mortgage during the year I went back to school. This could be his leverage to mess with me if he wanted to...

I went to bed with my computer on Tuesday night. Trying to focus on what was left to do before I came back to work instead of worrying about money... I noticed that Charlotte had sent me a few emails... but they were all work related with no hint of anything else. I was the one who asked to keep it professional... and I was her manager... so what was I thinking?? But I couldn't help but feel sad. I really missed her... I shouldn't think too much of all this...

On Wednesday, P'Daad came back home to check on me, bringing mangoes again to cheer me up. I told her about my meetings at the attorney's office and she offered me to live with her for the next few weeks until the settlement was over. She said that she wouldn't mind having us with her for a while, that I would be able to save money instead of wasting it by ranting a place on my own for 3 humans. She was right but...

"I'm your big sis, you have to do as I say!" P'Daad scolded me, frowning.

"I don't know... We're gonna get all over your place, you're not gonna have any intimacy for weeks..."

"Of course, it will get a bit crowded every two weeks but we'll manage. We're going to have fun the four of us together! And you'll be saving enough money to pay for the attorney... maybe save a bit each month for the future too! I'll be happy to help."

"Mmmm... Ok but I'll be paying for groceries. All of them!" I said, caving in.

"Deal!" she replied, hugging me.

We picked up the kids and all went to the park to play. The rest of the day was uneventful and P'Daad even stayed for the night. I went inside the shower after the kids were put to bed. The mark Charlotte left on my skin had faded so much, it was barely visible. Once again I teared up, unable to stop myself. I stayed under the running water long enough to calm down. I didn't want my sister to ask too many questions. We got in bed pretty late after she forced me to leave my laptop in the living room, as I was still trying to forget my pain by reading my emails. We chatted in bed for a while and we were talking about maybe starting to pack my stuff tomorrow when I got a text.

C🐰 : We missed you at work, hope you're doing ok

Fuck. My heart rumbled so fast and the tears got to my eyes without me even realizing it. Charlotte had texted me... on my personal number... saying that she missed me. I was both so happy and so sad... I didn't know what to reply... I was missing her too... But she said "at work"... so maybe that was just it... But wouldn't have she sent an email to say this instead of a text on that number?

"What's wrong?" P'Daad asked, with a very concerned look.

"Mmm nothing, I'm just tired..." I lied again, wiping my tears, trying to fake a yawn.

"Ok, then turn that phone off and go to sleep."

My sister didn't insist but I knew I wasn't fooling her. I did as she had said and closed my eyes. I was thinking about what to reply to Charlotte for a few minutes. I couldn't make up my mind. I wanted to say that I miss HER... but it wouldn't be fair. We were keeping it professional... that was what we had decided... until our lives were sorted. I took my phone under the blanket like a kid and typed.

E🥭 : Sorry, I'll be back next week.

I turned off the screen again. But I couldn't resist and opened my texts one more time.

E🥭 : I miss New York...

"Turn off this phone or I'm making you spill the truth right now." P'Daad said in a very severe voice.

"Ok..." I complied.

I knew she was only giving me space for a little bit of time but she would eventually make me talk... I also knew that this last text wasn't going to help... I didn't want to toy with Charlotte or her feelings... but I needed her to know that I was missing her without being too obvious. Like she had done... maybe? At least by being kind of cryptic I was able to say a bit... without saying too much? Fuck why was everything so complex? I forced my head to calm down and tried to get into a comfy position to let sleep come to me. I didn't know how long I was sleeping for when a light buzz inside my palm woke me up.

C🐰 : I really like this city, I needed more time to explore

My heart ached instantly again. We weren't talking about New York... I sobbed, unable to contain myself.

"We'll talk when you're ready..." said P'Daad, hugging me from behind.

____
Hi guys, sorry for making you wait this long, I'm working like crazy lately and I've been a little bit under the weather too. I'll try to publish chapter 15 before the end of the weekend!
Thank you for reading <3