Risk Taker [Englot]

Chapter 30

To say that I was panicking was an understatement. My heart was racing. And so was my mind... Replaying what I heard just before... Charlotte gasping then saying Mew knew before she hung up on me. Fuck... I wanted to get out and grab a taxi to pick her up. But I said that I shouldn't interfere...

What if she was now in danger? Because of me... Exposing myself on that stage... only ended up exposing our relationship... What if her husband raged against her discovering she had cheated on him... with me...? I couldn't let that happen...

But what if going there would cause more bad than good? What if exposing an affair... that was still going on... would play in her disadvantage in a divorce process? Mmm... My head started to hurt as well... They weren't officially separated... she didn't even talk about divorcing him once... I didn't want to make her go through something she didn't want...

As I was still debating if it was my place to save her or if me being there would only make things worse my phone buzzed. I rushed to look at it, hoping it was Charlotte calling me back but it was Apo sending a new set of texts...

A🏍️ : Answer me
A🏍️ : You're still seeing her right?
A🏍️ : It won't last...

I wanted to throw my phone through the window once again. Apo got on my nerves so damn fast. I was MAD at this point. But destroying my phone wouldn't bring me peace... It wouldn't bring me Charlotte back either... I couldn't stay here, doing nothing. I needed to go. I packed my things with shaking hands. I felt so stressed out, my heart was aching. That's when it hit me even harder than before. I was in love with Charlotte.

I was so worried about her that it made my whole being ache. I was picturing the worst, like I would do when my sons were sick... My feelings for her were so real... I was just starting to understand that... Fuck. Being in love hurt. I had forgotten about it. Electricity ran through me as concern and sadness were settling in. I tried to calm down, inhaling and exhaling deep and slow. After a few minutes, my breathing got steadier, my fingers too... I grabbed the remaining stuff on my desk and closed my backpack.

I went down the stairs inside the museum in a state of hyperawareness. It was like the world was frozen around me. I felt every feeling inside of me, step after step... Like I had unlocked a very deep sense of understanding myself. I was in love with Charlotte Austin. My coworker. A member of my own team. I was in love with her to the point that I ached worrying about her. I was worried about her well being... but also about our relationship... I was worried about doing too much... or too little... My brain was filled with contradictions...

The more I thought about it, the more I was aware of the opposite forces at work inside of me. I was so focused on myself that I didn't know how I ended up at my sister's apartment. I walked there on autopilot, lost in my thoughts. I didn't remember the way I took nor waiting to cross the street or anything...

"Hi Mommy!" said Sun.

"Hey!" my sister greeted me.

I kissed both their heads before I sat with them around the table.

"Where's Champ?" I asked, looking around.

"He's already in bed, he skipped his nap at daycare."

"Champ fell asleep like this!" Sun explained, mimicking his little brother with a funny face.

I smiled softly, watching him with his eyes closed and his mouth opened, fake snoring.

"Are you ok?"

I turned to face my sister. When I opened my mouth to talk my phone started to ring. I looked at the screen and saw Charlotte's name. I got up straight away and got out of the apartment.

"Charlotte! Are you... ok?? Where are you??" I asked, unable to stop my voice from cracking.

"I'm ok, I'm ok. Sorry for hanging up on you..."

Her voice was a bit shaking yet she sounded ok... Even so, I couldn't help but ask again.

"Are you really ok? What happened?"

"I am. I swear. Nothing happened. He got mad, screamed a little, we talked and I left."

"Where are you now? Do you need me to pick you up?"

"No, don't worry... I'm on my way back to Heidi's."

Yeah right... How could I not be worried? I understood that she was playing it cool, like she wasn't sad or bothered by what happened to her... but I knew the feeling... Was I allowed to ask though?

"Charlotte... I..." I started but my brain got all foggy with too many thoughts at once.

"Mew saw the video. He got mad, like really mad... I came clean about our relationship and explained that he and I were over. He obviously didn't take it well... But nothing bad happened. I'm safe, ok?"

They were... over? Like officially?

"Oh... Ok... Good..."

"I'm a little bit shaken, I'm not gonna lie. Miles saw us arguing..."

"Oh Charlotte, I'm sorry. This is all my fault, I..."

"Stop! It's not. I'm relieved it happened. Now I can move forward..."

"Yeah... Right..."

Forward? Could this mean...?

"The only thing that is bothering me is that I have to leave Miles with Mew on Friday night... We'll be apart for a week... but seeing how mad Mew was before I left... I'm scared that I won't have any news about my son's life for a few days..."

We talked over the phone for a good 30 minutes. I tried to welcome everything Charlotte had to say... I understood most of her feelings... yet I couldn't interfere in her life. We weren't a couple... It wasn't my place to lead her on a way that she maybe didn't want to walk along... I tried to reassure her somehow, saying that if she needed help with anything I could be there in a flash but she replied that she would handle it herself. Her pride was talking... and it was ok. I promised to give her some space to deal with things her way, until she would reach out.

When we hung up I felt both relieved and sad. I came back inside the apartment. My sister nodded towards me, silently asking if I was ok. I faked a smile and tried to focus on Sun to stop overthinking. I knew she wouldn't be fooled but I didn't want to bother her with the launch of her pop-up store on Saturday afternoon...

Friday at work was as difficult as I had pictured it the night before. Charlotte smiled at me from afar and disappeared from my sight for the rest of the day. I understood everything there was about being proud and wanting to do things on your own... yet my heart was screaming "HELP HER" at me while my brain was forcing me to stay put... Thankfully, when the end of the day was here, I managed to find some peace of mind playing with my sons at the park.

Having to share custody was still something that I was learning about. I was already dreading Sunday afternoon when I would have to bring Sun and Champ to Apo... Not that I was afraid he wouldn't take good care of them, because I knew he would... but I hadn't replied to any of his texts since he sent the video... I dreaded the idea of him using that content in any sort of way with his lawyer... even now that everything was scheduled... I wanted to be over with everything. I wanted to find a new place to live... To get my sister her life back... To start a new one... with my two beautiful sons... and with... her...

I didn't remember falling asleep that night. But when the alarm clock rang on Saturday morning we were all in a hyped mood, ready to help Auntie Daad for the launch of her store in a few hours. We had breakfast together and she left early to meet with her team. I stayed with the kids at home, playing a little bit and before lunch we put on our party outfits to go to the pop-up store.

We got there 30 minutes in advance and yet there were already so many people in front of the store. P'Daad was beaming even though I knew she was so stressed out. She had worked so much over the last few months for this day. I was really proud of her. Yoko and P'Faye were there, so I went to greet them.

"Hello, ladies." I said.

"Hey." P'Faye greeted me back.

"Hi, P'Engfa! Oh, you have kids??" Yoko replied with a big smile.

"Yes, this is Sun and this little guy is Champ."

We chatted for a little while until I felt hands on both my shoulders.

"Hellooo!" Nudee and Dolly said in one voice.

"Dollyyyyyy!" Sun almost jumped in her arms.

I was happy to see my friends here. I knew Dolly was supposed to come but I was really thankful that Nudee could make it too.

"Who are all of these people?" I asked, looking at a group behind them.

"Oh, just a few aspiring model friends of mine. I figured that some of them might like your sister's brand so... With the promise of free drinks and snacks during the launch... You know how we models are... Give us free food and we'll wear your clothes..."

Nudee was such a great friend. She didn't have to do that. Just showing up for my sister's day would have been enough to make her heart happy... But Nudee wouldn't be herself if she didn't go the extra mile, right? The presence of her friends could really help the brand, this was such a nice gesture.

I introduced Dolly and Nudee to P'Faye and Yoko and we hung out in front of the store for a while. Sun was absolutely delighted to be the center of the attention of 4 more women, talking to them about anything in turn. While my little Champ was snoring against my chest, digesting his lunch. Finally, half an hour later, it was time for my sister to appear and officially open up the first pop-up store for her brand.

The afternoon went absolutely well, everybody was laughing and chatting. I managed to hug P'Daad to congratulate her and I saw tiny tears poking at the corner of her eyes. She did all she could to hold them back but with a little help from Sun saying that she was the best auntie ever she let go. All the piled-up stress she had in her was getting out. She could finally breathe again and just enjoy the moment.

"Come on, Engfa! Stop making your sister cry, she has a lot of people she still gotta hug!" Nudee said joyfully, pushing me away so she could take P'Daad in her arms.

"Thank you, Nudee. I'm so glad you came!" she replied.

"Do you know what this girl did?" Dolly asked, hugging my sister too.

"No? By the way, why are you still here? Don't you have a plane to catch?" P'Daad asked Dolly.

"No, I made some arrangements, I'll be leaving tomorrow."

"When are you coming back from Chiang Mai?" I asked

"In 14 days! Then after that I can finally have a break from work and spend some time with you guys! I feel like I haven't seen you in ages..."

"We went out the other day!" my sister said.

"It was in December! Time flies so fast..." Dolly argued.

"Dollyyyy! I wanna play with you there!" Sun said, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the kids area that was set up in one corner of the store.

"So, what did you do?" P'Daad asked Nudee.

"Oh, you'll see... I think someone wants to talk to you." she replied, winking at a man waiting to speak with my sister.

We let her do her job, stepping away to go hang out near the buffet.

"So! What are you hiding?" she said, handing me a glass of iced tea.

"Nothing. It's a really good day. I'm so happy for her." I said, looking back at my sister talking with a big smile on her face.

"You can't fool me, you know that right? What's going on?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. Nudee was too good at observing... Damn...

"It's a long story..."

"Girls night out is on its way!"

"Ah ah, yeah, right..."

"Will you have the kids with you next week?"

"No, I'm bringing them to Apo tomorrow afternoon."

"Then we'll go out on Tuesday." she said with such a tone that there was no way to argue about it.

The afternoon went on and soon it was time for the kids and I to go back home. I went to bed on this night feeling kind of bittersweet. The day had been really good and full of joy... Yet Charlotte wasn't there and I missed her. If we would have been further into our relationship, this would have been the type of special day that I would have liked to share with her...

We didn't text on Saturday and we didn't do it either on Sunday. I wanted to ask how she was doing but I was scared. I wanted her to reach first... to let her handle things the way she wanted and not push after her... This thought haunted me for the best part of the day, until I had to bring the boys back to Apo. That was when my brain really got on a more stressed out mode. I knew he was going to get mad and I was afraid that I couldn't keep my cool.

But that evening Apo was just really... cold. I was waiting for him to scream at me, to ask me a ton of questions... the same ones that I didn't answer when he sent the video... but nothing came out of him. He greeted me with just a few words and offered me to get going as soon as possible. So I kissed my sons and left. I was prepared for anything but not this... At least, he could still find a way to surprise me...

I went back home and found myself alone. P'Daad was still at the pop-up store. I figured that she would be spending days and nights there on the first few days... As I sat on the couch I realized that I felt really empty being alone. I missed my sons already... Having them with me, spending much more quality time with them was a blessing... and I missed Charlotte too. Her smile, her warmth, her touch...

Seeing her during the team meeting on Monday morning made me so uneasy. She looked tired but yet she was still acting like she was ok. My heart was beating hard as I tried to stop myself from looking at her. Around 4pm I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to talk to her. If I couldn't find the strength to text her I would have to do it in person! I walked to her office, hoping to at least gather enough courage to say that I was still there no matter what...

"Are you for real?" I overheard Heidi say through the half opened door.

"Yes.. I'm gonna pack tonight." Charlotte replied.

"This is so sudden! I was not ready for you to leave... Do you need any help?"

I stayed frozen in the hallway.

"No, I wanna do this on my own." Charlotte said.

"Did you tell Engfa?"

"Not yet. I'll tell her when I'm settled in..."

I knew she wanted to deal with things on her own. I was like that too. But as I remembered her saying that she wanted to be "in this together" I couldn't help but feel somewhat hurt... I had heard enough. I retreated back to my office, trying to not make any noise as I walked away from their door.

I was thankful to have Nudee with me on Tuesday evening. I knew that she was going to get me to talk things out. I didn't have a therapist but I sensed that she was somehow making me progress the same way... She was going to kick my butt... but maybe I needed it? She was nice enough to let me get a few drinks inside before she started to bully me into talking.

"So what happened that made you this sad?"

"You... Why do you have to leave Thailand again? I'm going to miss you Nudeeeee!" I said, flirting.

"Hey, don't do this! I'll be back! Don't change the subject!" she replied, smacking my arm.

"Ok, ok! I'll tell you..." I said, taking my phone out of my purse to show her the video.

I explained everything that happened while Nudee kept on watching the short clip on a loop. I felt somewhat shy and exposed to see myself but also sad each time I watched the moment when I wiped Charlotte's tears away before kissing her. We talked about all this mess for a while. Apo being a jerk. Win's wife during the New Year's Eve party. Mew yelling at Charlotte before she hung up on me. Them being over. Charlotte deciding to handle her future on her own. The conversation between her and Heidi I overheard the day before...

"Ok, Engfa, my dear, you have to STOP worrying." she almost yelled at me.

"I..."

"I don't want to hear it anymore! You are Engfa FREAKING Waraha! You're a badass. You manage a whole team. You're the greatest mom ever. You are a RISK TAKER! So, you're going to stop being a scaredy cat because you have feelings. You forgot what it is to feel for someone like this, that's ok. But you gotta own it now. You've been telling me how painful it is to not be with her. How your heart is screaming at you to help her. Stop listening to your disciplined mind for once. Trust your guts again!"

I was astonished.

"Listen to me, Engfa. If you really want to be with Charlotte... then you have to put yourself out there."

I nodded. I wanted to hug Nudee, to say thank you and to cry all at the same time. So I did. Maybe it was the alcohol inside me...

"You're... ri...right." I sobbed.

"Aww, come back here." she said, taking me in her arms again.

"But Nudee... I don't know... what to do..."

"Then ask for help." she replied, looking deep in my eyes.

"Heidi?"

"See. You already have all the answers."

This made me sobered up a little bit.

"But I don't like mixing work and private life..." I almost pouted.

"Says the girl who fell in love with someone from her own team..."

"Yes but Heidi is..."

"She's the one who knows Charlotte best!"

"But..."

"If you can't mix work and private life then maybe you should change jobs!" Nudee said a bit annoyed at my attitude.

"I... I've been considering it..."

"Oh really?" she replied, astonished.

"Yeah... I would feel more... free? If I wasn't their manager... We could be... closer? Plus I could do with a little bit more money..."

"Well, girl, you know how to take risks. Good ones. That pay off. So I'm sure you'll find the right way."

This night shook me to the core. I went back home so tired. Probably from saying a lot of things out loud and crying over Nudee's shoulder. I was still considering everything she had said to me. And then it just clicked inside of me. Fuck it. I grabbed my laptop, opened my mailbox and started to write.

Heidi, would you help me?

___
Hi everybody! Hope you like this chapter!
I also updated chapter 17 since I discovered that I had a ghost week in December that never existed calendar wise... I made a few adjustments here and there to make it fit with Char's side of the story (but nothing major!)
Two chapters left to go... Let me know how you feel!