Risk Taker [Englot]

Chapter 17

I arrived at MOCA really early after dropping the kids on Monday morning. We had our weekly team meeting at 10am and even if I worked on it during the past few days, I didn't want to get there without feeling fully prepared. I had an hour and a half to get back on track and think of a way to behave in front of Charlotte. I was afraid I couldn't stop staring at her like a dumb dumb... or to start blushing... or crying... Fuck my life.

Everybody was already gathered in the meeting room when I came with my laptop and folders. They all welcomed me back saying they were happy to see me. It was just a few simple words but it made me ease up into it a little bit better. Charlotte just nodded, approving what coworkers had said but didn't dare to say anything herself, nor looked at me. She spent most of the meeting with her eyes glued to her laptop screen. I caught her on her phone a few times and by the way Heidi was on hers a few seconds later each time I could easily guess that they were texting each other.

I was convinced that Charlotte being right by HR last week wasn't a coincidence. Heidi must have told her I was there, that was why she left the office that fast... They were close, really close... Charlotte must have told her about what happened in New York. It was understandable... That would mean that... I should be careful around Heidi too. Charlotte was definitely forcing herself to not look at me... while Heidi's eyes were on me a little bit too much. I didn't want her to catch me off guard either...

When the meeting was over I returned to my desk and decided that I was going to find ways to avoid going to their office as much as possible. I could send emails... Maybe I could ask the intern to do some back and forth for quick questions for me... That seemed to work during the first two days. Then it got more difficult. I couldn't avoid Charlotte forever and she seemed to be at work for a few extra hours everyday, making us cross paths more than ever. Each time I stumbled on her I couldn't fight against the butterflies that were roaring inside of my stomach. A few times I felt the blush come to my cheeks... Damn. But I was happy to see that she would get red just as much. The attraction was definitely still there... but the aching too. Not only sexually. I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms, to hug her and not let go. But I knew I couldn't... well shouldn't...

That first week back to work was supposed to be mostly filled by the interviews for the graphic designer position and the attorney meetings with Nampan, Apo and Miss Savarody. Needless to say that I much rather preferred the interviews... Even though I needed to make two candidates come back again to decide on who to hire. One from last Friday had left a good impression on HR so I wanted to meet her before making a final choice. On the other hand, the meetings with Apo and the attorneys were exhausting and kind of terrifying. The infamous Pitchy was indeed a bitch, cutting Nampan and I every time we tried to say anything. Imposing her vision on our marriage and what was left of it. She was rough with her words and accusing. I left each meeting feeling discouraged and empty, particularly after she scheduled four meetings in the next few weeks taking place after 7pm, which would force me to call the babysitter...

That's how it went family wise... but at work it was a different kind of stress. back at the start of the week, on Tuesday, I was still trying to figure out how to act around Charlotte. All I could think about was Charlotte going through the door... everydoor... wherever I was. My palms were getting sweaty just thinking about seeing her. I didn't know what was going on deep inside but my brain was clearly messing with me. When I finally stumbled on her somewhere I had to force myself to not let my jaw fall on the floor. She was absolutely stunning. A shiver ran down my spine and I had to visibly shake it off to come back to my senses. That's when I saw Heidi smiling right next to her. I coughed, trying to hide whatever was happening to me and left as fast as possible without appearing too weird.

Two hours later I was relieved to have survived. I was at my desk, trying to sort a few folders when Nature called. I deliberately went up a floor to go to the restroom, hoping that would help me avoid Charlotte and Heidi. I was drying my hands with a paper towel when the door opened and Charlotte came in. Fear and want collided inside of me. She smiled, letting go of the door. My body reacted on its own, making me back up, step by step, until I ended up with my back against the wall. Fuck. The way she was looking at me... I felt like she was going to ravish me. And I wanted it. Bad. She looked to her right, her eyes checking the stall doors.

"Charlotte, I..."

"Don't worry, I'm not going to lock the door behind me." she said, before going into one of the stalls.

I quickly threw the paper towel in the bin and went out of the bathroom, rushing down to my office. I locked the door behind me and pressed my back against it. Maybe that was exactly what I wanted Charlotte to have done earlier. But right now I did it in fear that she would go after me. I didn't know what I wanted the most... flee or be chased. I stayed locked inside my office, swearing that I was going to stay here as much time as I could for the rest of the week.

After picking the kids up, we went back home and had a calm evening, just the three of us. It was good because I was feeling on edge. When they were finally asleep I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I cried alone under the hot water. All my fears were creeping inside my head, making me drown in sorrow. Going through divorce was rough and that lawyer was making me so uneasy... I missed Charlotte like crazy. Seeing her at work was hard... but not having her with me was harder. When I got out of the shower my fingers were pruned.

I realized going back to the living room that my sister had arrived at home and that it was indeed really late now. I told her about my fears and doubts, about the guilt I felt for having to call the babysitter twice... She reasoned with me, debunking every single bad thing I had to say about myself."You know what you need?" she asked, sitting straight up suddenly.

"No...?"

"You need to go out, have some drinks and have some fun!"

"Yeah... right..." I said, looking defeated.

"No, I'm serious! Next week the boys will be with Apo. We have to go out. You should invite Dolly!"

"She would like that..." I replied.

"Then text her now!"

"But what about the boys ?" I asked.

"I can stay with them."

"I'd rather have you with me too..."

"We'll find a way!"

"Ok... Thursday?"

"Yeah, whatever works for you." P'Daad replied, smiling.

E🥭 : Girls night out with P'Daad on Thursday?

I didn't have to wait for long because less than a minute later...

D🍒 : YES!!

On Wednesday afternoon when Nature called again Charlotte was the one washing her hands over the sink of the restroom I went to. She looked at me in the mirror reflection and her eyes got dark in flash. I froze, feeling all the feels growing inside of me. I clenched my fists hard, fighting over the pull.

"Do you want me this badly?" she asked.

Her words sent electric shocks inside of me. I didn't want to move, afraid I would end up pressed against her in one of the stalls. I just nodded, unable to lie.

"I want you too. I haven't had sex since New York... I'm so frustrated... even when I touch myself..." she said, looking at me through the mirror, drying her hands.

Fuck. I was doomed. I tried to swallow the knot inside my throat.

"I... I'm... Me too."

"Each time I see you I'm so conflicted. Part of me wants to cry... and the other part only wishes to ravish you..." she said, turning around, facing me.

I wanted to take her in between my arms, so badly... But if I did...

"Charlotte, I..."

She took a few steps towards me. I clenched my fists tighter and closed my eyes, preparing to resist her with the little strength that was still left within me. But nothing happened. She just walked past me. I opened my eyes, realizing that she was now behind me.

"I still miss New York." she said before leaving the restroom.

I had almost lost control... and I almost surrendered too. I was frustrated. Frustrated AND sad... I spent the rest of the day trying to focus on work, managing to do so quite poorly. All I could think about was Charlotte in her own office... How I could go there, close her door, bend her over her desk and... Shut up, brain!

E🥭 : I need a drink!
D👕: For sure, I'll pick you up after your meeting with the attorneys?
E🥭 : Please!

A few hours later, while the babysitter was taking care of my sons, I met P'Daad outside the attorney's office. Apparently Apo had greeted her when he got outside right before me but she didn't reply. She seemed kinda happy and proud to tell me about it... I was going to start moralizing her but she cut me off suddenly.

"I don't want to hear it ! We have cocktails waiting for us! No time to waste!"

We were drinking and chatting for almost one hour when my phone buzzed.

N🌼 : Guess who's back in Bangkok early??
N🌼 : How are you?
N🌼 : And were are you???

"Is that Charlotte texting you?" P'Daad asked, seeing me smiling.

"No, it's Nudee. She's back home."

"Oh! That's the crazy one? I like her!"

E🥭 : I'm having drinks with my sister right now
E🥭 : Wanna join us?

"I asked if she wanted to come drink with us." I said.

"Oh, perfect! Girls night before the girls night!"

N🌼 : Well... I'm absolutely jetlagged...
N🌼 : So yes, of course!

I chuckled and showed her reply to my sister. I texted the address of the bar to Nudee and 30 minutes later she entered the room.

"Engfaaa!!" yelled Nudee, racing towards our table before hugging me to death.

"Hi Nudee, you remember my sister?"

"Hi girl!" she replied, hugging P'Daad too.

"Are you ok? You sure you're not too tired?" I asked.

"Yeah Mom, don't worry!"

We ordered a set of fresh cocktails and let Nudee entertain us for the night. She told us about her latest modeling and photography jobs around the world. She was in London until a couple days ago, before that she went to Paris and New York.

"Oh yes, you were in New York too! How was it??"

"Hum, it was ok..."

"Did you wreck the bed with that coworker of yours?" she asked, elbowing me.

I hadn't shared what happened with her. And going back to Bangkok, between being sad and getting divorce I had kept everything to myself. Nudee would get offline quite often because of the time difference and various flights so it wasn't anormal for us to not talk for a few days, so she hadn't teased me about Charlotte for quite some time... I knew she didn't mean any harm... because she didn't know... but I couldn't stop the tremor in my bottom lip and the water coming to my eyes. P'Daad looked at me with a "ouch" face, putting her hand on my shoulder gently.

"Oh no, Engfa! I'm sorry! What happened? Do you want to talk about it?" Nudee said, looking truly sorry.

"Maybe not tonight... We were supposed to unwind." I said, shaking my sadness away.

"We're going tomorrow with Dolly. Nudee, you should join us!" P'Daad offered.

"Oh, of course!"

"We let you off the hook tonight, little sis. But tomorrow you'll have to confront the three of us. You know that letting it out will be good for you."

I looked at P'Daad, nodding in agreement.

"Ok! No more serious talk for the night! Let's drink!" Nudee cheered, raising her glass.

I drank a little more than I could handle that night, so on Thursday morning my head was hurting like crazy. I gulped down two glasses of water, hoping to relieve some of the pressure around my skull. I tackled the day at work, fighting against the things I got behind because of my week off and the attorney meetings. I still wasn't really back on track and I was feeling guilty. Maybe I should cancel tonight... If the girls wanted me to talk they were going to make me drink... And then Friday would be even harder...

E🥭 : We really need to go out again tonight?
D👕: YES
E🥭 : But the boys were also with the sitter yesterday...

She texted back so fast that I could almost hear her across town, scolding me... The day went by, thankfully I didn't stumble on Charlotte during any of my bathroom breaks. I got out of MOCA and headed to the bar. I knew that if I was going to back off now the three of them were going to join forces and chase after me. I needed to accept my fate... and their help.

The night started out rather softly, I was happy to have a good support group around me. We talked about the divorce and they forced me to rant and bitch about Apo's lawyer... and frankly it didn't help but it felt good! I always knew one of my biggest flaws was to act tough and to deal with everything on my own... but when I opened up it was scary at first but ended up being great in the end. I just had to practice a bit more...

When a few more glasses ended up empty, Nudee clapped in her hands before anchoring her elbows on the table, looking at me intensely.

"So... Engfa Waraha... We need to talk about the Charlotte case." she said with a very serious tone.

"I... I don't know what to say."

"Don't worry, we know what to ask about!" she replied.

I tried to answer their questions as best as I could without letting my feelings take over. They were basically checking if Charlotte was a good person and how I was handling seeing her at work 5 days a week.

"Mmm... Does she know you're getting divorced?" Nudee asked.

"No..."

"What are you waiting for???"

"I don't want to make her feel like she has to do the same... I don't want to pressure her..."

"But do you know what SHE wants?" Nudee insisted.

"I... no..."

"Of course you don't, if you don't ask, if you don't talk about what you're going through, how would you know about what she's going through, what she wants???"

Nudee was starting to act like she was annoyed with me. I was the older one but she was often scolding me when I was getting stubborn. Was I stubborn about Charlotte? I thought that I was only trying to protect her. To respect her...

"Nudee's right, sis. You're too hard on yourself..." P'Daad said.

"If Charlotte admitted that she really wants you, maybe you should open up to her..." Dolly approved.

"You always want to do the right thing. For others. Try and do what YOU want for once. Stop putting this much pressure on yourself. Everybody knows you're a good person."

"You have NEEDS! You stay frustrated like this, you're gonna go mad!" Nudee almost yelled.

It was hard to hear but I complied. Maybe they were right. Most probably. Yeah... Fuck. But how could I talk about all this to Charlotte? I needed time to think...

I almost didn't see her on Friday and the only time we ended up in the same room she left in a hurry before I could even say anything. I convinced myself that it was just my karma giving me more time to think about the proper way to talk with her. Focusing on the last meeting of the week with the other managers was hard. I was picturing different scenarios in my head on how to tell Charlotte that I was getting divorced... but all seemed futile and stupid. I went back to my office to pick up my stuff before going back home and I discovered a package on my desk. This looked like a present, wrapped in a tacky colored paper.

I closed the door of my office and sat down at my desk to open the present. Inside was a white canvas with dark fine intricate lines dancing all around. This was from Charlotte. Did she draw it for me? The drawing was beautiful, it looked like nothing in particular and yet it was making me feel so many things. At that moment I understood what the girls were trying to tell me the night before. I could let a bit of steam go off... I could have a nice gesture towards Charlotte, or even talk to her, without feeling guilty. The more I pushed myself away from her the harder it got. And that simple handmade present was the missing piece to shut off my fears.

That's when I realized that it was almost Christmas. Charlotte being half British must certainly celebrate it with her family. That's why she had wrapped her drawing in that red, white and silver paper. So Christmas was what made Charlotte make a move towards me? Maybe I could return the nice gesture without having to think of an excuse to do so? This would just be saying thank you in the form of a gift... Right? Why would my brain make everything so complicated when I wanted to just open up??

I checked the team schedules on my laptop and saw that indeed it was Christmas and Charlotte had taken Monday and Tuesday off. Being the manager meant that I had access to personal info about my team members... like their home address. I checked Charlotte's quickly, scribbling it on a post-it note and shut down my laptop like I had just done some terrible deed. I went back that night with a plan in head, which was making me feel like a spy of some sort. I waited for my sister to retreat to her bedroom to start searching online for a present to send to Charlotte's house. A few minutes later I found myself scrolling on the Lego online shop. In between all of their new sets they had one that was a wild flowers bouquet. It was beautiful, if you liked Lego I guess... I found it a bit dorky but I was sure Charlotte would love it. I ordered it and made sure to check the "gift" option.

Throughout the meetings during the week, Apo and I agreed that I would take care of them for the first two weeks before we tried the shared custody rhythm. Apo asked to spend some « normal » family time over the weekends. It was weird to be all four of us outside. Apo seemed in a pretty good mood and didn't speak about the divorce at all.

Monday was Christmas day. I hoped that Charlotte would receive my gift today but I didn't get any notification of delivery yet. I couldn't help but check my phone regularly... And it wasn't until I forced myself to put my phone back inside my purse that it rang, informing me that the gift had been delivered. I put my phone back inside my purse and tried to focus on the work that I still had to do to not fall behind again. I didn't receive any text from Charlotte during the day. I went back home kinda sad... maybe I should have left a note. I shifted my focus again, spending time with Sun and Champ until they were in bed.

I was mindlessly scrolling on my phone in my sister's bed when I decided to text Charlotte. I wanted to start the conversation. I wanted to thank her for the drawing... I wanted to tell her the Lego set was from me... I couldn't stay quiet anymore.

E🥭 : This is the most beautiful piece of art I own

Why was I always choosing to be so cryptic? How would she know what I was talking about? I didn't even say hello... P'Daad, Dolly and Nudee were right... I needed to let go of all this pressure... Because it made me do stupid things... My phone buzzed in my hand.

C🐰 : You have great taste

I smiled like a goof... Charlotte was at least as weird as me. Which was comforting. I was so happy that she replied. I couldn't let the opportunity go away without taking my chance...

E🥭 : I do 💐

___
Well, with this chapter we enter the second half of the story.
Christmas is done... You know what's coming next...
Brace yourselves, readers!