Chapter 18: Going Down Is My Plan

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A few rounds later, Brunhild was out in the arena again, up against someone called Woolfgoor. Before she even had time to look at his face, she fainted from stage fright.

Due to some quirk of the matchup system, Brunhild was called back out the very next round. She was up against Ezra.

To Brunhild's credit, she only froze in place and didn't faint this time. To Ezra's credit, she looked kind of sorry right before she cut Brunhild's head off. (This moment would come up in Brunhild's therapy sessions decades later).

Brunhild's head was promptly reattached, and, for the next hour or so, in a private corner behind the scenes, she gave herself a stern talking to. I've got to get my act together. Just pretend that nobody's watching. Just imagine I'm going to win, no matter what.

"Brunhild Redmayne?" came a voice. It was someone wearing the green robes of a tournament employee.

"Yes?"

"You can go in two rounds' time, if you want."

"Of course I want!" growled Brunhild, looking slightly manic.

"Well, then, you have to wear this. It's the rules."

*

"Is Brunhild really going to fight again?" asked Lacrie with great concern.

"Brunhild NEVER gives up, yeaaahh!" cheered Dandelion.

"And now, hem hem," said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second, "Brunhild Redmayne of Feenschwanz Vs. the grand loser of last year's tournament, the lowly, the pathetic, Malodorous Bob!"

Brunhild gritted her teeth, repeating affirmations to herself to block out the stage fright, and stepped into the ring. She weighed up her opponent, a frail-looking old man.

Brunhild's opponent, like her, had the areas around both of his eyes painted in colourful, amusing star shapes. Brunhild's opponent was wearing a big, puffy, blue wig. Brunhild was now wielding a rubber sword that went "squeak" when she swung it. 

"For those who don't know how the Race to the Bottom works," said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast, "I'll explain forthwith.

"Everyone starts the tournament at tier zero. If you win your first match, excellent! You are now facing the other winners on tier one. If you lose you do, however, have one recourse, though it's not for the faint of heart!

"Losers are permitted to continue the tournament from tier minus one. Win that round, and you're back in tier zero! The exact system is a little complicated, but the end result is that losers have a chance to get back in the game – or lose even worse, ahaha! Isn't that right, Pineapple?"

"Hem hem, indeed," said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second.

"On tier minus one, you must wear one item of clown clothing or wield one clown prop, and have one part of your face painted with clown makeup! Every tier deeper into the negative numbers, you will gain more makeup and accessoires! At tier minus five, your transformation will be complete, and the loser of that battle wins a fabulous prize, courtesy of Rabbit Joe's Hot Bunny Emporium!

"The only catch? You have to fight for real – or pretend to in a convincing – or at least hilarious – way! Our referees will not hesitate to disqualify our contenders if they waste our time!"

"You're going down, old man!" growled Brunhild.

"That's my plan, dwarf," said the old man with a tired but determined expression.

The bell rang to signify that the fight had begun.

Brunhild tossed her rubber sword aside (it went squeak as it hit the ground) and charged the old man with her shield.

The old man appeared to see Brunhild's serious intent, his eyes widening in an expression of very real fear. He shied backwards reflexively. Brunhild overextended herself, stumbled, and hit her head on the barrier at the edge of the arena.

She awoke to the pleasant hot feeling of a healing spell, and Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast's words: "The referees have determined that Brunhild's performance was earnest enough to continue her down to level minus one! And I have to say, I agree! It really almost looked like she wanted to win, don't you think, Pineapple?"

"Indeed, hem hem, very convincing," said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second.

"And that's all for our first day, folks, but remember to keep coming back the next days to see — who will win, who will lose, and who will have their face absolutely ground into the dirt in the most humiliating compound of public failures you have ever seen!"

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