Draconic Sphere Ω

Chapter 30: Let The Incompetence... Commence

There were three knocks at the door the next morning. There was a long and even pause between knocks, and they were so loud that they left room to consider whether the intention was actually to knock the door off its hinges.

Brunhild woke up. Kaergat, she saw, was at the desk with his spellbook. Lacrie was meditating. Dandelion had somehow fallen halfway off her bed and was sleeping face down in a tangle of sheets.

As Brunhild watched, Kaergat got up to open the door.

The terrifying red bulk of Andromalius stood behind it.

"Some small, fragile mortal creatures wish to blabber at you meaninglessly," Andromalius rumbled slowly. He retreated, showing – Mom? Dad??

There were more, in fact. Two of her uncles, one of her brothers, one of her sisters... Brunhild went white.

"Yuhuuu, Brunhild! Ve have come to cheer you on in de tournament!"

Brunhild hastily went through the bare minimum of the respectful rituals due to her family. "Mom, I... didn't know you were... in the neighbourhood?"

I hiked for weeks to be far away from you! thought Brunhild. Her brain was still frozen. How??

"No, no, of course not, ve took a, how you say, teleport spell here!"

"Isn't that... fantastically expensive?" asked Brunhild.

"Oh, anything to support our girl in de tournament, ja?"

"It vas all our savings," said Brunhild's dad, "But ve thought, that's what money is for, ja? Dis vill be vorth it! Ve know, you do good fight, make ancestor proud, ja?"

"Ja! Of course, we know, Brunhild alvays try her best!" said Brunhild's mom.

"Now, ve have reservation for breakfast, come along," said Brunhild's dad.

"What breakfast place lets you make reservations?" asked Brunhild in shock.

"Is good ja? You vill like. Very traditional dvarvish place," said Brunhild's dad. "Have ten different breakfast ales. Almost like home!"

"No!" yelled Brunhild, louder than she wanted.

Everyone went silent for a long moment.

Brunhild's mother looked like she was about to cry. "No?" she said, in a very small voice.

"I mean..." Brunhild stammered. "I... in the colosseum... there are very important things... can't miss them... only because of that... have to go do the important things right away... in fact, I'm late!" Brunhild grabbed her sword belt and ran out.

"Ve see you in tournament!" yelled Brunhild's mother after her. "Ve cheer you on! Ve have very high expectations, ja?"

Kaergat, Lacrie, and Dandelion looked at Brunhild's family.

Dandelion was still draped awkwardly over the side of the bed. She gave a sleepy grin. "Can I try breakfast beer?" she asked.

*

"Hem hem." Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second's genteel voice filled the packed colosseum. "Hail Syrac! It is my great pleasure to welcome you to the second and final day of — the Aqua Profunda grand tournament!"

On cue, there was a great cheer.

"Yaaay!" cried Dandelion, throwing a handful of popcorn in the air.

"Wasting food – very un-orderly," muttered Kaergat.

"We are going to enjoy some delightful violence today. Remember, hem hem, that tomorrow is voting day! I hope I can count on you all to support me! Together, we can honour Syrac, and remove all of the people from our town who, you know, just don't really fit in, isn't that right, my dear Pomegranate?"

"Indeed, indeed," said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast. "What are they even doing here in the first place, that is what I want to know!"

"Terrible, bad people, hem hem!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second.

"If you can even call them that!" said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast.

"Indeed, hem hem!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second. "Humanoids, rather!"

"Indeed!" said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast.

"And don't you worry," said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second. "We'll only deport those people who deserve it! That means not you, dear voters!"

"You can vote for my dear friend Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second," said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast, "in the safe knowledge that the people we are going to hurt are someone else!"

"And not your friends and family, either, hem hem!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second.

"No, they're the good ones, haha!" said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast.

"Indeed!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second.

"Indeed!" laughed Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast.

"The most un-orderly thing I think I have ever seen," growled Kaergat.

"It was just some popcorn," said Dandelion. "It's mostly air, anyway. All pop, hardly any corn."

"I meant those very cruel aristocratic Syrackists," said Kaergat.

"Oh, them," said Dandelion. "Perhaps you could consider using some stronger words sometimes —"

A big cheer went up – loudest of all from the Redmayne contingent, who formed a ruddy sea all around Kaergat, Lacrie and Dandelion.

Brunhild's eyes were painted with stars, and she was holding a puffy blue toy sword.

Her opponent was dressed in very long, flapping shoes and had a red nose.

"And now... to lighten things up a little," said Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast. "At tier negative two – Buttons the clown, representing the Rainbow Children's Circus, vs. Brunhild of the Redmayne smithing clan, doing her questionable best to preserve the honour of her family name!"

"Remember, hem hem," said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second. "We are about to watch some delightful failure – but the referees must be convinced that the competitors are not trying to lose!"

"Let the incompetence... commence!" cried Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast.

Brunhild roared and threw herself at Buttons the clown. The clown dodged her strikes with surprising grace.

Brunhild stopped to catch her breath. Buttons squeezed her red nose, issuing a honking noise.

"Yuhuuu," yelled Brunhild's mother at the top of her voice. "Yuhuuu!"

Brunhild froze. She said something, very quietly, that Kaergat couldn't hear.

"Ah, Brunhild is scared," said Brunhild's father. "Ve must show her ve are vatching, so she not scared, ja? Yuhuuu, Brunhild! Yuhuuu!"

The red beards all around Kaergat went up in a loud call.

"Yuhuuu!"

"Ve expect you not to fail, Brunhild!"

"Try hard not to dishonour us!"

"Don't shame ze family name horribly, ja?"

"Hem hem!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second. "The referees have ruled that there must be a strike within the next ten seconds or both clowns will be disqualified!"

Buttons punched Brunhild.

Brunhild fell over.

She stared, horrified, into the sky as the referee counted her out.