Draconic Sphere Ω

Chapter 31: If You Succeed At Failing

"Okay Brunhild," said Dandelion, making a serious gesture. They were in the backstage area. "You're going to have to get your act together. The referees were this close to saying you didn't pretend well enough that you want to win."

"But I did want to win!" cried Brunhild in dismay.

"Say it like you mean it!" yelled Dandelion.

"You don't understand, I really do want to win!" wailed Brunhild.

"That's the spirit!" cried Dandelion. "Now listen. This 'freezing up out of stage fright' act isn't going to keep working. The audience doesn't find it funny anymore. You're going to have to try something different."

"It's not an act!" said Brunhild.

"I can't hear you!" growled Dandelion (rhetorically).

"It's really, really not an act!" yelled Brunhild, with rising panic.

"You almost convinced me!" yelled Dandelion. "Now convince the referees!"

"I – I —" stammered Brunhild.

"Redmayne, you're up in one minute!" yelled a colosseum employee.

"Okay, Brunhild, you can fail this one good," said Dandelion. "Get out there, and remember: no matter how much you think you suck, you can suck harder."

"I —"

"Quick, put on this curly blue wig," said Dandelion.

"Uh —"

"Here's your stupid toy sword," said Dandelion.

"Um —"

"Redmayne, you're up!" yelled the colosseum employee.

"Go!" said Dandelion, giving Brunhild an encouraging push. "Fail for us!"

*

Brunhild wasted no time. She ran towards her opponent, someone dressed up in a children's-party-wizard outfit, screaming incoherently.

The wizard saw the murder in Brunhild's eyes, looked appropriately terrified, and reflexively knocked Brunhild out with a magical flash of light.

*

The next fight, Brunhild was wearing squeaky, oversized clown shoes. At this point she was so addled she didn't think to use her fists, and used her silly toy sword to fence with her opponent, another wizard-themed clown wearing a long fake beard and a pillow up her shirt to appear comically fat. After a few clashes, Brunhild struck her opponent in the head. The clown leapt in order to simulate being struck down, and lay on the ground, grinning at Brunhild.

Brunhild panted, seeing red at the edges of her vision, growling in triumph.

"Brunhild! Yuhuuu, Brunhild!" came the familiar, awful sound of one of Brunhild's relatives.

"Hem hem!" said Lord Pineapple Discombobulate the Second. "The referees are discussing the match!"

Brunhild panted and tried to fight the swaying, nauseous feeling of abject stage fright. Isn't it over? She thought dumbly.

"Aaand... the referees have their decision!" cried Lord Pomegranate Flabbergast. "Gondalphius the Wise is disqualified for not failing convincingly enough! Brunhild Redmayne gloriously fails the match and goes down to tier minus four!"

What? Thought Brunhild. This can't be happening.

She swayed, and fell.

"Now, now, Brunhild, don't overdo it, or you'll be disqualified too!" laughed Pomegranate as Brunhild passed out.

*

Now Brunhild's transformation was complete.

She wore a complete clown getup: white and red makeup with blue stars around the eyes; a curly blue wig; a floppy toy sword; squeaky, oversized shoes and comically large trousers held up by suspenders.

"I'm in hell," she groaned. "I've died and gone to hell. There is nothing worse that any demon in the world could dream up. This situation was created with the sole purpose of torturing me."

"Brunhild! Focus!" said Dandelion. "You've been spacing out and mumbling incoherently for the last ten minutes. I admire your dedication to failing, but in two minutes you at least need to get out into the colosseum and fail there."

"I'm not... trying to fail..." whispered Brunhild.

"Good!" said Dandelion. "Now just remember why you're doing this!"

"To... somehow find a way to satisfy the harsh and contradictory expectations of my family?" whimpered Brunhild.

"Very funny," said Dandelion. "Focus. Think of the goal. One year of free hot bunnies."

"What?" mumbled Brunhild, her vision blurring.

"And most importantly," said Dandelion, staring Brunhild fiercely in the eyes, "You could be crowned Most Pathetic Failure of the Year."

"Most..."

"Pathetic, yes," said Dandelion.

"Most Pathetic," said Brunhild.

"If you succeed at failing, yes," said Dandelion.

Brunhild managed to focus on Dandelion's fierce expression before her.

If I win this losing competition, I could be labelled the Most Pathetic, thought Brunhild.

I have to lose at losing, thought Brunhild.

I have... to win.