billie eilish mental health imagines

struggling with eating

my eyes stayed fixated on the plate that sat infront of me as i waited in the busy cafeteria.

you can't possibly want that.
look at the size of it.
it's going to make you so fat.

nothing about the food infront of me was excited or fun and the more i looked at it, the worse the avoidance got.

you don't deserve to eat.
you're so fat.

"hey!" i heard someone say.

they hit my back lightly as they went to sit down next to me but i didn't even flinch, my eyes were fixated on the plate infront of me.

you can't eat that.
you don't deserve it.

"logan?" they spoke.

but still my eyes refused to move, i was too busy calculating the calories that were in the food infront of me.

"are you okay?" they whispered in my ear.

i flinched slightly, turning to look at them as tears began to build in my eyes.

billie's blue eyes stared into mine, her fingers coming up to wipe the tears away from my cheeks.

"what's wrong lo?" she questioned.

she can't know.
she'll think you're stupid.

"it's stupid." i sighed.

my eyes returned to the plate infront of me as my leg began to bounce under the table.

"nothing is stupid lo, what's wrong?" she pushed.

i motioned to the plate infront of me as i tried not to breakdown in tears.

"are you struggling?" she asked, putting two and two together.

she can't know.
she'll watch you.
everytime you eat.

i sighed but nodded, letting her know that it was infact the demon inside me that had returned.

"it's okay, why don't we have a bite together and then we'll see how you're feeling afterwards." she reasoned with me.

although i didnt want to agree, i nodded and sent the voices into a frenzy.

why would you do that?
she's never going to leave you alone now.
you're just so stupid aren't you?
everyone hates you.

"hey?" she nudged me.

i lifted the sandwich infront of me before taking a bite of it at the same time as billie.

she held tightly onto my hands afterwards as we began to chew the food and eventually swallow it.

the whole process took about five minutes because i found myself chewing extremely slowly on purpose.

"how are you feeling?" she questioned.

fat.
ugly.
worthless.

i thought about my response for a second, making sure that i had considered every option.

"a bit better i suppose." i muttered.

it wasn't a lie, the sick feeling had lessened in my stomach but i wasn't excited by the thought of food.

"do you think we could try another bite then?" she asked.

i nodded, suddenly gaining confidence as i remembered that billie needed to eat or she would be hungry.

and you're stopping her.
what if she ends up like you?

she lifted her sandwich at the same time as me, taking a bite simultaneously with me as i watched her carefully.

my concern was no longer on the food but it had now shifted to making sure that billie was eating.

"are you still hungry?" i spoke after billie had finished that bite.

she nodded, causing me to pick up the sandwich so that she would and to repeat the process all over again.

can't you see that she's making you fat?

bite after bite, slowly the sandwich infront of me disappeared leaving me feeling unsatisfyingly full.

"are you full?" i asked, concerned by my feeling.

you shouldn't be.
full isn't good.

she nodded.

the longer you let it sit in your stomach, you're letting it seep into your body.
you've got to get it out of you.
you need it out now.

"i- i need to go." i cried.

billie's grabbed ahold of my arm, stopping me from leaving but only adding to the panic that i felt.

i felt myself break down into sobs, my whole body shaking with fear as i gripped onto her.

"hey, shh it's okay." she whispered.

she wrapped her arms around my small frame, holding onto me as i shook but never once did she let go.

can't you see that she's making you fat?
she's hurting you.

"you're never going to be alone with this again." she told me.

i felt her place a kiss on the top of my head before she rested her head on mine.

a single tear fell from my cheek but this wasn't a sad one, this came from a place with a weird sense of comfort.

_____

a/n: i truly can't read back through this without crying so sorry for any mistakes and sorry it isn't long.