billie eilish mental health imagines

sh⚠️

my fingers traced the etched in scars that littered my wrists as i listened to the music that billie was playing.

something about the room was beginning to make me overheat and i just couldn't focus on what was going on around me.

do it.
you know you want to.

"i'm just going to the bathroom." i mumbled under my breath.

that's not good enough.

billie turned towards me subsequently looking away from the screen infront of her, raising her eyebrow as she did so.

"you went only a couple of minutes ago?" she questioned.

think of a better lie.

i shrugged, unsure of how to reply to that kind of question when i knew that the reply would be the same.

her eyes darted down to where my fingers were still resting on my wrist, glancing at them before look back up at me.

she knows too much.
get out of there.

"i need to go." i spoke, standing up defensively.

billie nodded hesitantly, althought she gave me the answer that i needed and without waiting for her to continue the conversation, i practically ran to the restroom.

there was now a dull sensation covering the whole of left wrist, a sensation i knew all too well.

you need to do it.
it'll stop the ache.
it will make everything go away.

my hands scrambled to lock the door as the nerves began to palpitate through my body.

i struggled to contain the built up anger that i was beginning to feel about myself.

you're so stupid.
stop taking so long.
hurry up.

my body fell to the floor, almost as if. It knew exactly what was about to happen.

i grabbed ahold of my shoe before pulling off to reveal a blade tucked inside the sole.

carefully i pulled it out of my shoe, twisting it slightly between my fingers as i admired it.

just do it already.

i lifted it to my wrist, slicing it across it as deeply as i could possibly take it allowing the sharp sting to shoot through my body.

blood flowed freely from the deep cut that i had made and onto the floor is small splatters.

look at that.
that's what makes you happy.

but that wasn't enough, the voices and i both wanted more.

one cut turned to two...
well done

then three...
keep going

then a fourth...
you're doing so well

until i eventually settled on five semi-deep cuts and some much deeper than those.

good girl.

the dull ache in my arm was now replaced with a harsher numbness than before.

"logan? are you okay?" i heard billie call.

my eyes were still focused on the blood on the floor infront of me and i was so stuck in the trance that was couldn't bring myself to reply.

"logan?" she questioned once again.

again i didn't reply.

i could hear the lock begin to jiggle as she tried to get in the door but i was frozen, unable to even try to move.

until suddenly i heard it click and the door flung open, causing me to drop the metal from my hand.

"logan? wh-" billie spoke.

the sound of the blade dropping to the floor was extremely loud and the silence that had fallen.

how could you do this?
you're such an idiot.

"oh lo, i'm so sorry." i heard her whisper.

timidly i lifted my head before catching a glimpse of her eyes and looking down once again.

billie crouched down infront of me pushing the blood covered blade to one side, out of my reach.

you need that.
get it back.

she lifted her hand before pulling a towel off the side and pressing it down on my fresh cuts.

i didn't even flinch, all of the emotion had drained from my body and now the only left was guilt.

"i'm sorry." i whispered.

billie continued to apply pressure to my wrist but with her other hand she lifted my head till our eyes met.

"you've done nothing to be sorry for." she spoke softly.

although i couldn't help but feel like i had because billie didn't deserve this.

you're right.
she doesn't.

i felt billie lift my arm from the floor before replacing her hand with mine and she began to scrambled through the cupboard under the sink.

once she had found what she was looking for, she took control of my bleeding arm once again.

the whole time billie was fixing my arm, my eyes stayed focused on the blood that had continued to build on the floor.

this is why you keep quiet.
you're never going to able to do it again now.
you're so stupid.

"you shouldn't be here." i spoke suddenly.

i was beginning to slowly come back to reality and the more aware i got, the harder it was for me to dim my emotions.

"i am here lo, i'm not going anywhere." billie answered with a slightly sterner tone.

she was just adding the finishing touches the bandage that she had covered the cuts with and then it would hopefully be over.

it's never going to be over.
you shouldn't have let her in.

"i'm so so sorry." i began to cry.

you should be.

for some reason all of those built up emotions suddenly hit me at once and it only added to my exhaustion.

"come here." billie spoke as she motioned to where she was now sat.

i gladly slipped into her arms, resting my body against hers as she rocked up gently.

why are you letting her get so close?

"i will never let it get this bad again, i promise." she whispered in my ears.

a small smile played on my lips, for once i felt like someone had actually heard me and wanted to help me.

we want to help you.

while she was distracted by holding onto me, i reached out to the side and picked up the blade again.

this time i slipped it in-between the levels of bandage on my wrist, hoping that no one would look there before i could hide it better.

we'll always be here for you.

i no longer felt alone.