"i'm scared"⚠️

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i can't do it.

i can't do it anymore.

there's nothing i want more than the feeling of that cold, sharp metal pressing against my skin whilst i anticipate dragging it across.

i want to see those deep red marks in my skin again, the scars that they create and the pain that it causes.

do it.
you know you want to.

my fingertips ran across my scars, the voices shouting in my mind as i longed to just open them up once again.

go on.
you need to do it now.

after this last time i won't do it again, i won't ever touch that metal again.

"whatcha doing?" i heard someone ask.

my hand instantly rushed to pull my sleeve down to hide the scars that etched deeply into my skin before i lifted my head to look at them.

"nothing." i mumbled.

why are you lying?
you know what liars need?

no. i don't. please. stop.

"y/n..." billie began.

i could feel my blood beginning to boil, the voices taking control of my body as they were clearly very angry at me.

of course we are.
we're trying to help you.
you never listen to us.

i don't blame them though, i'm not listening to them when i really should.

"billie please, don't." i spoke, my voice was a little louder this time.

my heart wanted nothing more than to collapse in her arms with her letting me know that it was all going to be okay.

however the voices wanted to push her as far away as possible so that they total control over me and my actions.

"what's happened y/n?" billie pushed.

she doesn't actually care about you.
she actually hates you.
no one wants you around.
you should just kill yourself.

i could feel my hand instantly reaching over to scrap at the scars on my wrist, the pain burning a little but feeling so calming at the same time.

"y/n." billie spoke sternly.

instantly my attention snapped to her, the tone of her voice was enough for me to let out a slight whimper. 

she's going to hurt you.
you need to get away from her.
you'll only end up getting hurt.

"i'm not mad, i just need you to focus on me and not them." she told me.

even though i had her word that she wasn't mad at me, i still couldn't remove that thought from my mind.

she must be mad at me.

i would be.

"whatever they are telling you that you need to do, i can promise you that they have no control over you." she continued to talk at me.

she doesn't know what she's talking about.
you only answer to us.
don't even think about starting to talk to her.

"have you noticed that they only ever talk at you?" she questioned, pausing me for me to answer her.

i nodded cautiously, unsure of where she was going with this point.

"that's because they can only control you using words, if you're distracted then they have no control over you at all." she continued.

that's all lies.

even though it made absolute sense, i refused to accept that billie could be right, out of fear of what the voices might do.

i trusted the voices...

but i also trusted billie.

who did i trust more?

billie.

no us.

no billie.

no us.

billie.

us.

billie

us.

"billie!" i cried.

within seconds billie was by my side, the warmth of her body bringing a sense of comfort and safety into the fear that the voices had created.

"y/n?" billie questioned.

i nodded rapidly, the terror refusing to leave my body.

"can i hold you?" she asked.

instantly i found myself nodding, the thought of her arms wrapping tightly and securely around me was so comforting.

i could feel her position herself behind me, her arms wrapping around my body as she made sure to make herself comfortable.

she doesn't actually care about you.
she's only doing this so that she can get close enough to hurt you.

"i'm right here y/n." she reminded me.

my head nuzzled into her in an attempt to try and silence the voices as best as i could.

don't even think of betraying us like that.
you can't do th-
please do-
no yo-
st-

silence fell within seconds of being in billie's presence, her aura totally silencing the voices without having to fight them.

"billie?" i questioned, breaking the silence.

i could hear her hum in response, her throat pressed against my head.

"i'm really really scared." i whimpered.

billie didn't reply to me, instead i could feel her grip tighten around my body as she pulled me closer to her.

"i'm right here y/n, i'm not going anywhere." she reassured me.

she can't leave me.

i need her.

billie eilish mental health imagines Where stories live. Discover now