billie eilish mental health imagines

thoughts about weight ⚠️

why can't i be pretty?

not just "pretty" but pretty enough.

why can't i be skinny?

not just looking skinny or slimmer than the person stood next to me but skinny to the point where my brain is happy.

why can't i feel comfortable sitting in my own skin?

and not trace every single one of my stretch marks and wonder what my body would've looked like if i hadn't binged.

why can't i ever please my brain?

and not have to fight against it every day just to give my body enough fuel to survive for another few days.

when will it ever be that i have lost enough or done enough for my brain to not be mad at me and need me to do more?

that all of that exercise that i've done is more than enough, that i'm shedding off the weight the best i can and i can see the changes.

will it ever get to a point where i can look at myself in the mirror again?

and not just allow the tears to fall as i point out every bad part of my body.

where i don't just see the girl i was years ago?

the girl who was obese, who was going through hell and told every day that she was fat and needed to lose weight.

where i don't see little me looking back at me with tears in her eyes because i'm starving her?

the child who was told that she wasn't allowed dessert unless she ate everything on her plate, even when the portion sizes were adult sized.

will i ever look at food as i should do?

that it's not the enemy and it isn't going to hurt me but instead is something that my body needs to survive.

will i ever not be angry at 13 year old me?

the girl who started all of this, that decided that food was her enemy and that she wasn't going to eat it or find other ways to make sure it didn't make her "fat".

will i ever not blame that dietitian?

the lady who saw 11 year old me, called her obese and told her that she needed to be put on diet whilst naming every part of her body that wasn't "perfect".

not only that but also made me track everything that i ate, only to tell me that i needed low calorie and zero sugar foods.

me, an eleven year old, left confused and unsure as to why eating was no longer enjoyable.

will i ever not blame them?

they were the reason why i started comforting eating, after what they did to me it was enough for me to have to seek the comfort.

yet they were also one of the reasons why i also stopped eating at the same time.

maybe i need to take responsibility?

i know that it was my fault, it always is.

but i can't be angry at the poor child that was just trying her best to survive.

she wasn't taught how to live, how to thrive without having control over something.

will it ever get better though?

it's been year and it comes and goes, i'll be good for a period of time and then one person will send me over the edge.

i let them back in my life which i know was a mistake but i now feel like they are constantly judging me for everything that i do.

and i'm scared.

i live in fear every day.

so i take back control in the only way that i know how, i obsess over my eating.

reading the back of packets.

track my progress.

over exercising.

and deep down i don't want to care and in some ways, i actually don't.

but at the same time, i need the control for now.

it will get better, i will.

just not right now...

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a/n:

i know it's not a chapter but i thought i'd publish it for anyone who may be feeling the same way.

i apologise if it's a heavy subject for anyone and i'm here if anyone needs to talk 🫶