billie eilish mental health imagines

help! i lost myself again...⚠️

the light behind my eyes slowly darkened as the days dragged on, minutes felt like hours and days like months.

the urge to drag that shiny piece of metal across my skin only made things harder for me as i begged and begged that the thoughts would stop.

"she'll die"
"it's all your fault"
"they hate you"
"no one wants you here"
"you could just..."

the longer i sat and waited on those thoughts, the harder it became for me to force myself to pretend to be happy.

happy?

happy?!

i barely even know what that word means anymore.

sure it i know you put on a smile, the light in your eye sparkles but happy?

that's unrecognisable excitement.

that's the feeling when you talk to me.

that's the feeling i get when i know that i'm safe.

but it's something i haven't felt in so long.

the only true feeling that i can even begin to understand anymore is emptiness.

i have felt so empty for so long that i don't even remember what it felt like when i felt whole, completed or loved.

the funniest part is that no one knows.

no one knows just how bad it is.

no one knows just hard i am fighting to stay here.

no one knows how hard it is to breathe.

my chest is so heavy, my eyes are too.

each and every breath i hope it's my last.

but yet every day rolls round, day after day they keep passing by and i'm not even moving with them anymore.

i'm stuck in this cycle of sitting and waiting for it to get better and then, when it does, i long for it to be bad again.

and bad isn't even bad enough anymore.

i have to be the worst, i can't be just struggling.

i have to be on my deathbed.

everyone can see how bad it's getting but no one even thinks about stepping in.

they watch as i slowly lose myself and then get mad that i can't keep myself afloat.

but i've tried and i've been trying, ever since i first lost myself.

they aren't even that happy that i'm still here, secretly they long that i would've died ages ago so that they would be over me by now.

so that's why i'm silent.

i stop talking about myself and my feelings because they don't deserve that burden.

no one deserves that.

but then they stop talking and eventually, we never speak again.

maybe one day they come back but they've changed and it's not the same anymore.

i don't recognise them.

i don't recognise me.

we're not the same anymore.

everything is the same but different.

it hurts all too much.

i'm drowning.

afloat yet still drowning.

maybe it's time to take the leap and see if i fall to the bottom or make it out?

maybe.

____

a/n:

it's old and new, i'm good.