billie eilish mental health imagines

7 months⚠️

a/n:

this is really heavy on the topic of death/dying so read at your own risk
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we were laughing and joking until you said "i have something to tell you and i know it's going to be scary to hear"

i sat there, assuming that our regular banter would come into play and you would tell me that it was all just one big joke.

"i've got 7 months"

my heart sunk as i collapsed and fell to the floor, terrified by those words as i knew exactly what was coming.

i had watched you deteriorate for the last year but these past few weeks you were telling me that this was the end.

you knew that you were dying, i did too.

i longed for you to tell me that it was a joke, a lie or even a nightmare.

yet that was so far from the worst nightmare that i began to have, watching you die and scream at me to save you as i lay there helpless.

watching your lifeless body be dragged along and dismembered, leaving you just a silhouette of yourself.

but my worst fears hadn't even come to life in my mind, the thought of the day that i wake up to that call, the day when we will never speak again  and i won't ever hear your voice.

however as the days pass, that reality is becoming more true.

your doctors have told you how rare this is and that they want to use you as research like you're some kind of guinea pig.

but you're not.

you're my best friend, my big sister, the girl i can always count on to make me smile and laugh uncontrollably, the girl that is always there to pick me up, who would go to war for me and always put me first.

you're like my twin.

and losing a part of me that i have lost many a time before never seemed so great until i realised that i was losing you.

that every day is a blessing and i need to make the most of you because you won't be there forever.

that you will never get to achieve your dreams, i will have to do that with you in spirit.

that the pain i feel now is just an ounce of the pain i will feel when it becomes reality.

that this is your one life and you have lived it.

that i will never be able to take away the pain everyone caused you.

that you will never get married or be at my wedding.

that there is no cure and there's nothing anyone can do.

but i vow to make these months the best of your life, i won't let you go out without a bang i promise.

i can only hope that you will pass knowing that you're so loved by me, that i was always there rooting for you and that i will always do my best to make you proud.

these last 6 years of friendship are the ones i will so fondly hold on to, refusing to allow your memory to die along with you.