billie eilish mental health imagines

relapse⚠️

i walked out of billie room, my hand covering my extremely bloody arm as i tried to find her.

my only thought was that i was going to die if i didn't find her soon and i didn't want that.

"billie!" i shouted.

the fear was evident in my shaky voice as i scanned her house for any sign of life.

although there was no reply to my shouts which only made me cry out from fear.

"logan? is that you?" someone questioned.

it wasn't billie but their voice eased me enough for me to try and make them aware of my whereabouts.

"i- n-need help." i stuttered.

instantly maggie's face appeared around the corner, her eyes darted down to my arm and back up to my face.

but she didn't shout at me like i was expecting, instead she grabbed the closest thing to her which happened to be a hoodie.

placing it carefully over my arm to replace my hand before leading me into the bathroom.

"let's get you sorted sweetheart." maggie spoke.

i felt myself wanting to breakdown right then, knowing that no one had ever tended to my wounds like i had.

because you don't deserve the help.

for some reason i loved the attention that i was getting from her but not the reason that i was getting it.

maggie helped me to sit down on the countertop, just like my mom had done when i go hurt when i was younger.

then she guided my bloody hand to take over from hers as she rummaged around in the cabinet.

"has something happened to cause this?" she questioned as she continued searching.

i found myself nodding, knowing that she was a safe person to talk to and she was bound to find out anyway.

"between you and billie?" she asked knowingly.

there was only a couple of reasons that i ever found myself getting upset and that was either because of billie or something family related.

"can i ask what happened? you don't have to tell me." she questioned.

i sighed, wanting a distraction from the pain that i was sure to go through rather soon.

"we both said some things that we shouldn't have and i dealt with it in the only way that i knew how." i replied honestly.

she nodded, ripping open antiseptic wipe before swiping it across my cuts as i hissed.

the pain was something that i was used to but the sting was much worse than i had ever experienced.

"do you know where billie is?" i asked, curiously.

she shook her head, also unsure of where billie was.

which only added to my worry because i knew that what i had sound would have upset her more than what she had said to me.

"shit." i muttered.

instantly my eyes moved down to my arm, watching as maggie tried to pull the two edges of the cut together.

she had some steri strips in her hand that she was clearly hoping to use to hold them.

"i'm sorry, i know it hurts." she apologised.

i found myself shaking my head, refusing to allow her to apologise when it was my fault in the first place.

so following my instruction, she continued to bandage me up as i just sat there thinking.

how could i have been so stupid?

why did i revert back to this after so long?

i knew that it wasn't the right way to deal with things yet i continued to use it as a way to cope.

although everytime i tried to stop, i found myself picking up yet another addiction.

"why do i keep doing this? it's not even solving anything anymore. i'm just doing it because i want to."

i found myself being too open with maggie but she didn't make me feel ashamed, instead only listen to what i was saying.

"sometimes the ways we choose to cope happen to be the most convenient things to fall back on when things get bad." maggie explained.

and although i'm sure she was trying to be helpful, what she said only fueled a mental battle for me.

was i now just weak or plain stupid for going back to it?

__________

a/n:

yet another rant of my own thoughts and feelings and problems.

haven't checked it and i'm so tired that i can barely see

so don't hate me

and take care of yourselves please