billie eilish mental health imagines

04/08/2024⚠️

a/n:

please don't read this if you get triggered about rape/sa.
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5 years since you put your hands on my body for the final time.

5 years since i had to beg you not to hurt me but keep it silent in case someone found out.

5 years since i felt the most horrendous pain i have ever felt.

5 years since that room became my enemy and i started neglecting my own needs because of you.

5 years since i said no.

5 years since you told me you didn't care about me anymore.

5 years since i begged and pleaded for you to let me go and i would keep quiet.

5 years since i've heard you utter "if you tell anyone it won't be me who gets in trouble".

5 years since i hoped and prayed that you would get so mad that you would end my life right there and then.

5 years since i wondered if you were going to get me pregnant and how i could possibly explain that to anyone.

5 years since i was scared that every time i used the bathroom, you'd come knocking on that door.

5 years since i jumped at the sound of your voice.

5 years since i refused to ever hug you again.

5 years since i hoped that someone would find out.

5 years since i begged myself to be brave.

5 years since it ended yet...

5 whole years later, it still haunts me.

it still follows me around.

it still changes how i do things.

it still crawl across my mind like a dark cloud.

it still hurts every time i hear your name.

it still kills me to ask you for something.

it still makes everything so much harder.

it still drags me down like a weight holding me under water.

and every now and then i catch myself slipping under your grasp once again, becoming your "slave", only answering to you.

but then i remember that you can't have a hold on me now, you can try but i'll always win, always fight you to the very end.

except for today.

today is the day that you will forever hold over me, whether i talk about it or you just sit in my mind.

today is the one day that i can never seem to shake you off because five years ago today, you were in total control of me.

those hands were holding onto me so tightly that i was covered in bruises.

the pain and tearing that you caused me will always be ingrained in my mind.

my face will still be empty, emotionless and dull today.

my head filled with the flashes of what you did.

so today, you may have that control over me.

but you will never come near my body again.