Change My Mind

5 - Know your limits

My dad always said I shouldn't give up. "Elowen, when a tree gives up, it exhibits symptoms such as leaf yellowing or browning, branches die, it stops growing, or it loses foliage. In severe cases, the tree may die. However, efforts can sometimes be made to improve the tree's health, such as providing proper watering, fertilization, pest control, and pruning, or consulting with a professional arborist, like me, for guidance." 

Sitting next to Liv, I felt like my leafage was drying up, turning yellow and brown next to her vibrant, fresh foliage. No water, fertilizer, pruning or pest control would fix that. I wasn't even sure what they were talking about, but Liv was the center of everything, telling a story, while everyone beamed at her and laughed. The newcomers too. Mostly Niall, who seemed to find Liv absolutely wonderful. Harry was definitely not uninterested in her either, and she was piling on the charm, smiling at him, touching her lips and twirling her hair. There was a feeling at the pit of my stomach, one that I wasn't used to. Not when it came to Liv. I was annoyed? Or irritated? I decided I needed a drink to get rid of whatever it was that I was feeling. 

"Feel your feelings, sweetheart," I heard my mom's voice in my head as I tiptoed to the bar, which was actually just a table full of kegs, bottles and ice buckets. I grabbed a red cup and picked up random bottles and read the labels. I wasn't going to feel this particular feeling, mom. It wasn't nice and I couldn't allow myself to feel what I felt about Liv right now. 

"You should probably go for something like vodka and orange juice," someone said right behind me, causing me to jump and almost drop the bottle I was holding. The bottle seemed to be hanging in the air, until I spotted the hand with the cross tattoo. The beautiful man. I turned my head and locked eyes with him. He smiled and put the bottle of tequila down that I had nearly sent to the floor to splinter all over my bare feet. 

He was standing rather close to me. So close that my nose kept picking up on his scent. A warm, woody aroma, kinda like cedarwood. He leaned forward and picked up a bottle of vodka. He poured a tiny, little bit of it into my cup. He then scooped up a bottle of orange juice and filled my cup to the brim. "There," he said as his lips quirked into a small, lopsided smile. 

I wasn't sure I understood what was going on in my body. It was like a thousand little sensors were set off at the same time. I wasn't feeling my feelings, I was sensing my senses. My nose picked up his scent, my eyes couldn't look away from his hands, his eyes, his lips. When he leaned over me to pick something up, the heat emanating from his skin travelled into me. 

"What does Liv usually drink?" He asked, violently pulling me back to earth. 

"Umm... I don't know. In college she used to drink tequila shots and get sick in the backyard," I said as I lifted the red cup to my lips and downed it in one go. 

Harry's mouth fell open as I put the cup down on the table and walked around him. He reached out and laced his fingers around my wrist to stop me from walking away. "You should be careful with the hard liquor, it hits much harder. It's important you know your limits," he said and looked at me. Not like people looked at Liv. Like Sylvan looked at me the first time he caught me sneaking in drunk, or the time he caught me smoking a cigarette. Not like people looked at Liv, as if she shone brighter than anything and whatever she chose to do, was the right thing to do. 

"I'm done drinking anyway," I said and walked away to find a corner to myself or a more pleasant conversation to take my mind off the feeling at the pit of my stomach. 

"El?" Someone called and as I turned I spotted Shawna, who was sitting on a couch with a couple of other people. "Wanna come sit with us?" 

"Sure," I said and smiled as I sat down next to her. 

"Dumped the shoes already?" She grinned and pointed towards my feet. 

I chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I nearly fell over and broke my neck." 

Shawna and her friends were really nice. They weren't loud and boisterous, but cool and calm, just hanging out and having a good time. As midnight neared, I made my way back to Liv, feeling like I should be there for the drop of the ball. She was sitting next to Harry on the couch, her legs crossed, her finger twirling a strand of her hair. She was listening as he spoke and smiled warmly at him when he looked at her. I turned my head slightly and caught Niall perched on the armrest of the couch, looking at me. He smiled a closed mouth smile at me and something about it felt like it was his way of trying to console me for not being the one sitting with Harry. 

Someone started counting down and others joined. People jumped up to their feet, ready to blow their party horns and noisemakers. "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!" rung through the entire beach house and as "Auld Lang Syne" began playing and people sang and swayed along, others kissed to wish each other a happy new year. I only saw him lean closer to her, before I turned and walked straight towards the door. I was almost there, when someone grabbed my wrist from behind and spun me around. 

"Happy new year!" Elliot said and before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine. I pulled away and rested my hands on his chest. 

"Sorry, I..." I froze unable to word what my deal was. He was a good looking guy, obviously found me attractive, and there were no strings attached. 

"Mind if I borrow her for a sec, Elliot," Liv's voice pulled me back to reality, as she grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the toilet with her. I wanted to object, to tell her that I wasn't in the mood to talk to her right now, that I just wanted to go back home and go to sleep, but she was determinedly pulling me with her. As soon as she got us to the toilet, she shoved the door closed and locked it behind us. She buried her face in her hands and screamed into them. I didn't know what that meant, if I should comfort her or hug her, but when she looked up, she was absolutely beaming with happiness. 

"Oh. My. God. El, he kissed me! Can you believe it? He's like the sexiest man I have ever met. He's really smart, filthy rich probably and he's so kind." She bit her lip and leaned forward to hug me. I awkwardly hugged her and patted her shoulder, while I swallowed back all the toxic emotions that were resting on my tongue, ready to be spat out like bile. 

"That's great Liv. I'm happy for you," I said and smiled the best I could. 

"Omg, will you look at me, I'm a mess," she said as she stepped closer to the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. She ran her fingers under her eyes and pursed her lips before she added some lip gloss. "Better leave the red lipstick, wouldn't want Harry to get it on his face," she giggled. She tousled her hair a bit and turned to me. "How do I look?" 

"You're gorgeous Liv," I said and let my eyes drift to the floor. She took a deep breath and walked towards the door. 

"Hey, maybe you should have my key. You know, in case I go home with him," she said and handed me her house key. I turned it a couple of times in my hand and shoved it in my purse. Then I followed her out to the party, but when she walked over to Harry, slowing down her pace, swaying her hips a little more, I located Shawna and sat down next to her. 

"Happy new year, El," she said and handed me a glass of something. I didn't know what it was, but I was going to drink it. And once that was empty, I'd drink another one. And then probably another one. My limits? No, I didn't know them.