50 Shades of Stan🔥

MEMORIES 💟

I loved Karen. From the very first moment I saw her among the audience at the pub. I was so dumb to throw everything away. Married to the perfect woman, proudest father of the most beautiful son. I'm Steve. Or all that's left of the man I once was. Sick and alone. No relief or fast comforting death. The wedding ring is too wide now on my slender fingers. What if my love still holds it? She forgot about me and my baby boy was gone. He would never grow up to a great man -better than me - never start his own family, never... I stole his innocent life! Karen and he were the reason in mine. I took it for granted too much. I pushed her patience too hard.

Even if I had them, I never felt worth enough: alcohol was the only thing which soothed my torn soul. My medicine and my downfall. And Karen had enough, the day little Stevie drank a drop from the glass of whisky I had left in his room. While I was playing with him like father and son. I destroyed the portrait of the perfect family in her mind. I killed the husband he loved and...What's more...I killed our baby boy.

I couldn't take my eyes off her and after the night we met, I had fallen in love with her the moment she spoke to me: shy, brushing nervously a strand of her golden hair behind the ear, like a teen, looking away at times. My eyes fixed into hers, totally bewitched by every move, word, breath... I couldn't let her walk away and we went to my house. It was the best night in our lives. The way we made love, her delicate fingers running through my hair and her smile, muffled; breathless the moment I got into her and how her nails scratched my back when clinging to me, trying to adapt to my size. I still remember her words: "Steve...make me be yours...from now on...every little piece belongs to you..." and I said groaning for pleasure "let it go...give it to me...we're made to each other, babe!" I answered filling here deep with every drop.

We got married after 3 months, even if I had panicked before stepping into the town hall, on the elevator alone with Karen. She was as excited and pretty as ever, I couldn't be happier about her becoming my wife. But something was wrong. We got along very well for some other months in our new house, till she found out to be pregnant. I started drinking again; I didn't know if I had been able to be a good father to our son or daughter, what was worst, I had just lost my job. She found it out the day I came back home at 3 the night after getting fired. I can't say if she was more angry for the fact that I was unemployed or because I was drunk eating a piece of chocolate cake in my hands. "How can I trust you as a dad for our son? I should go away and leave you... I found this today in our mailbox! We need money to live and raise our child...." I lowered my eyes, "is it a boy?" I whispered, "Yes, it's a boy. The doctor told me during the check up yesterday. You even forgot about it..." She let the envelope from the company fall on the ground and walked away. I ran after her before she closed our bedroom's door "please...babe...I love you. Both of you are my life. I'll change. I promise. Just don't leave me this way or I'll die for". She gave up and smiled sadly, taking my hand to hug me. "Don't do this again".

Stevie was born healthy and I helped Karen taking care of him as the greatest of fathers and husbands: I had found another job and was able to keep it, I surprised myself with my commitment! The loving smile on Karen's face was the sun in my days and not a day passed without telling how much I loved her, and what a wonderful mother, woman and wife I was so lucky to be married to. The same I had returned. Often I felt her presence when Stevie and I played together: I looked at her eyes brightening while she whispered "I love you".

I was sure I had never spoiled that dream. Till the day I found a bottle of whisky hidden inside a secret side of the cupboard we kept in the cellar: it suddenly came to my mind it was a gift from an old friend and his wife, when they had visited us 6 months before. I had a look a couple of times then closed the door, but the old temptation was so great that I told myself "just one sip won't hurt me. It's only a taste", I read the date on the bottle's label, and it was from a really good vintage. I unscrew the cap and swallowed the liquid: first it felt like burning fire after such a long time of sobriety, after few seconds the thirst increased and I didn't realise I had drunk half of the content. I was aware Karen would have smelled the alcohol immediately coming closer to kiss me when back home! I closed the bottle and put it back; hiding it again, she and my son were coming in about an hour...I had to clean my teeth, and

rinsed the mouth with the mouthwash, luckily I always kept a pack of mint chewing gums to chew and soothe the desire; I stuffed a couple into my mouth nervously till the flavour decreased. "Honey, we're home!" I heard Karen's voice followed by my son's "Daaaaaaddddd....look at the drawing I made today! I got an A+!" Stevie ran to hug me and I immediately took his body into my arm to lift him in the air "my little Picasso! Show me what you got!" Karen had opened his backpack to offer me a small rolled sheet "these are you, mom and me in the jungle. The snake looks like my plastic toy one" he explained. "I'm sure if a real one ever shows to our eyes, dad will be so brave to tame it not to bite us. Won't you, hon'?" She came closer to kiss me and luckily her expression didn't turn into a suspicious one. I was safe that time.

My luck didn't last long. One day I came back home earlier with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates: I had to soften the blow to Karen because I was fired again. I had finished the bottle one night, I woke up on time to go to the office but I wasn't able to speak properly and even in the right condition to drive the car. I didn't know how I managed to arrive safe! I called her when I stepped in but she didn't answer: I thought maybe she was having a shower and didn't hear my voice. I was so wrong! As long as I walked towards our bedroom I heard a kind of moaning which was hard not to acknowledge: someone was there with my wife and...Screwing her! I faltered to open the door but when I did the horror overtook the awe of the scene before my eyes: my best friend Adam lay over Karen, both naked and sweaty, clearly having sex in our bed!

Words died in my throat, I fixed them for a moment then left. Karen didn't follow me. Neither did Adam. Stevie wasn't home, I think he was at my parents-in-law house that afternoon, as every weekly planning. I walked back to the flat entrance and closed the door behind my shoulders. I knew it was my fault and I was sure she had found out anyway I was drinking again. There was no other explanation to her behaviour. She loved me too much but she had enough and didn't trust me anymore. My feeling was right: two hours later Karen called me "Come home, we need to talk. Stevie will stay by my parents for the night".

We argued a lot, but I had no excuse in my defence: she showed me the empty bottle of whisky in her hands, that I had hidden a while before. The evidence to get divorced! I cried and begged, but she didn't listen: there was no more trust in her heart for me. I deserved it. I was so afraid to have no chance ever to see our little Stevie. She gave me the documents made by her lawyer, luckily meeting my son wasn't forbidden. I could see him, but only with one of her parents in the same place/room: that was more than I have ever expected! Twice a week. It was for sure not enough, because I missed her and Stevie so much: I lost my family, the only thing giving a meaning to my life. I accepted to follow an AA group and got aware of what I had done.

The day of my birthday Karen and Stevie bought me a cake and we celebrated together at the same pub she and I had met the first time: for an hour we looked like the perfect old family, full of laughs and love. Past was gone. Karen even smiled at me, she had that kind of spark when we were still dating. I blew out the candles and made my wish, then Karen cut the cake. Before eating a second slice, she went to the restroom leaving Stevie with me; I got up and stepped to the counter asking for a coke for my son and another glass of wine for her. Stevie was playing with his toy cars on my watch, I heard the bartender saying the bill amount and turned to pay: when I turned back Stevie was not sitting at our table anymore!

Suddenly I saw him with one eye running through theexit door, the glasses fell from my hands to the ground as I tried to reach him...itwas too late. When I came out – this is the last memory I still hold as it wasyesterday – the time stood still: Stevie was smiling at me in the middle of theroad as a car hit him some seconds shortly after, his body bounced on the trunkand landed on the asphalt... his back touched my hands when it was too late tosave him. The crack of his neck echoed like a thunder into my ears, in fewseconds my son passed away. Karen's sobs woke me from that trance state: "Ihate you. You killed him. You killed me. You killed US!" Before everythingturned dark. I died with them, that same day.