Everything I Don't Deserve/Post Malone

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My finger hovered over the send button for what seemed like the millionth time since last night. I had written and rewritten my letter of resignation over and over, never once thinking that this is what would be keeping me up at night this early into doing this solo. The worst part is... I don't want to leave. The more I thought about it last night, tossing and turning until the sleeping pill kicked in, the more confused I am. I cannot deal with him blowing up at me over anything and everything at the drop of a hat. But I also can't stop thinking about the party and how smoothly it went, how I finally got a little bit of the "old" Austin back for a few hours, and how excited this job actually makes me. He might fucking suck, but I do really love my actual job.

Then there was the way he yelled at me when I was leaving and the things he said had me concerned he wouldn't even take my offer to stay until after the end of the tour. He had never went so far as to tell me to leave. I had honestly refreshed my email more times than I had rewritten this letter looking for a severance package offer, if he even offered me that. Maybe I'll just get a phone call telling me to send over my security passes and credit card. At this point I wouldn't doubt it.

I sighed and took a drink of my coffee and stared out my kitchen window. I had woken up before my alarm and grabbed my laptop and had been camped out on a bar stool at my counter since then. Drinking coffee and contemplating actually sending the email. This house... I love this fucking house. If I walk away from this job I'll have to sell it, one more thing to add to my collection of worries about this whole situation. I need to get ready. Stop thinking about this and leave it until later.

Edie and I were driving down to Provo today to do some shopping. Her for the store and me for Austin. We had some friends in the area that did a lot of online sourcing and regularly flew out to major cities around the world just to shop in thrifts and vintage stores and bring stuff back to put in their own shop or to sit aside for clients like Edie and myself. We tried to make it a point to drive down whenever I was home to see what they had in and just spend the day in Provo, and hitting up our favorite Indian restaurant while we were in town. I was looking forward to the distraction, but the hour drive and Edie's burning questions was going to be tough. Especially when I'm so torn about what to do.

I sighed again and closed my laptop, not wanting to reread the words again right now. I dumped my empty cereal bowl into the sink and went to go get dressed. Deciding I should probably turn my phone back on since Edie was due to be here in an hour or so. The second it came back to life it went bananas with notifications of missed called and texts. I quickly scrolled through them, not reading them yet while I searched for Edie's conversation.

Dre and Jay had already sent me about 5 messages each, Rin had reached out as did Marine. The messages from Dre and Jay had me most concerned, but thankfully both of them were more worried if I was ok and begging me to reconsider leaving. Apologizing for Austin, which made me roll my eyes, and promising to kick his ass into shape if I would just consider staying. This doesn't help my decision any. I felt like I needed to respond at least so I sent them both a generic message telling them that it wasn't their place to apologize and that I still hadn't made my decision. I left it at that and sent Edie a text telling her I would be ready when she got here.

By the time she had gotten here my mind was still swirling and honestly, maybe talking it out with Edie would help me clear my head and make a better decision.

"Hey..." she said softly as I climbed in the car. "I tried calling you last night. I figured you had cut your phone off. You ok?"

"Yeah... I'm fine. I should be used to his shit by now, you finally got to experience it first hand.." I said cutting my eyes at her and I gave her a weak laugh.

"Ok so maybe I jumped the gun a little, but I still think there is something there. He was moody as fuck after you left. He sat his ass in the corner at the bar all night looking sorry for himself, and getting red in the face every time Jay or Dre would try and talk to him. Ben ignored him all night. I think he was pissed about that too." She said as we backed out of my driveway and headed out of the neighborhood.