Everything I Don't Deserve/Post Malone

•twenty one•

Losers was a blur. Thankfully it wasn't very crowded, being a weeknight but of course the second Austin, Morgan and Ernest show up together it becomes a party. Word spread quickly through the building and it wasn't long until it seemed like everyone here had filtered into the floor we were on. Everyone was pretty respectful, but our group definitely had the whole place's attention.

Austin and I kept our distance, it wasn't because I was mad or upset and I know there was a silent understanding between us at this point. This was not the time or the place for us to have any sort of public interaction that could put us in the spotlight. He kept his eyes on me the entire night though and every time I looked in his direction he was glued to me.

I was brooding. Nursing a beer after downing the second round of White Tea's Austin had ordered for everyone in our general vicinity. Every drop of alcohol going into me was doing the exact opposite of what I had hoped it would do. I couldn't get it out of my head. The fact that I felt so damn used, and so fucking stupid. I had let myself be his fucking rebound.

Marine grabbed my arm, appearing out of nowhere. "Come on Jordan, you look like you need some air.." she said, over the loud music, her face concerned and I knew she had realized something was off. She pulled me off my stool, I looked and Austin was watching every move I made. I grabbed the pack of cigarettes that had been keeping me company in my corner and slightly stumbled my way out onto the balcony overlooking always busy Broadway below us.

"Ok spill it Jordan, what's wrong? You and Austin both are sulking and neither of you have even spoken to each other. What the fuck happened?" She said taking a drink of her beer.

"It's nothing. We just don't want things public yet. Just trying to keep a low profile." I said, hearing the slur to my words and realizing how drunk I really was.

"That's bullshit. It's more than that. You are pissed.." Marine said.

"We just.. we had a fight. I'm just... I don't know Marine. He lied to me. About something that's a big deal to me, and he did it at a time that was a big deal to me. I thought I could trust him, I thought we were on the same page but we aren't and I'm just hurt." I said, lighting a cigarette and purposely not looking at her.

"How bad of a lie? Want to talk about it?"

"I mean... I honestly don't know how bad of a lie it is, I still don't know the whole truth. It's probably not a big deal for most people but to me... it's just the fact that he couldn't tell me the truth. That for some reason lying to me immediately after the first time we slept together was his decision instead of just admitting the truth." I said, feeling that anger and hurt growing.

"Shit..."

"What if I'm just a rebound Marine? I told him I wasn't playing games, I wouldn't be another notch in his belt but then the second he gets me under him he lies about his feelings towards me? And then I have to find out he lied from fucking Louis of all people? I know I'm probably just confusing you. Im probably blowing it out of proportion because I'm definitely drunk but it just hurts. The fact that he felt like lying was better than admitting the truth." I said as I started crying. Goddamn it. This is not the place for this.

"Fuck Jordan. First of all I don't think you are a rebound. He's had plenty of that in the past year. He seems genuinely head over heels for you, it just doesn't seem like rebound to me. Have you talked to him about what ever this is? Given him a chance to explain?"

"No. We didn't have a chance. I had just really realized it right before we left. He didn't even want to come here. He wanted to stay back and talk this out but... that wasn't going to happen, not tonight with everyone wanting a piece of him." I sniffled and wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. "It's just... I think I love him Marine, and knowing he couldn't be truthful with me, especially in that situation. I sound so ridiculous I know but it was a big deal to me. He knew me sleeping with him was a big step for me, for our relationship and for my trust in him. And I'm not kidding, we hadn't even caught our breath and he lied to me."