Love is half

10

The sun drove lower, then lower still. Small hm of the car is muffled against Jungkook's ears. The softness of the car seat kissing his back are the only relief in his mind. There the quietness in the car that does not seem to press it on Jungkook so must, it does not make him want to disappear. There are no tears in his eyes and the smell of hospital is long gone. The buzz of constant voices from doctor's,nurses, families who have lost or gained a new family member, everything eased as Yoongi have brought him to his car, telling him there is no point of staying in the hospital and he should get changed and sleep. And that's how they are here now.

He told him about Taehyung, their eight years, their four years, their two months. He told him about the unborn child, the dead wife and the sick mother. He told him about how he screamed at Taehyung when he shouldn't have, he told him that he hates himself. And he didn't pause while doing so, because the older made it so easy for him to speak. The quietness and no judge on his face encouraged him to keep going, and when he finishes, he stares at Yoongi.

Yoongi's face is still but soft as snow. Jungkook has never noticed , he has never seen anyone with more baby soft skin than Yoongi's.

"Are you willing to go along?"

"With what?" Jungkook asks, after the long silence. His ears feel stuffed and Yoongis voice surprises him.

"The..pretending thing. Are you willing to try?"

Jungkook doesn't answer him and Yoongi studies him for a moment. This is not yes or no question, it's just how life is lately. He doesn't know if he wants it, but then when he doesn't get it, it makes him angry at the world, himself.

"don't answer, " Yoongi suddenly says, "do what you think is right. This is not fair to you and not fair to that kid either. You are not perfect Jungkook,  you can't solve anything, you just have to accept whatever happens at the end, wither it works out or not. Taehyung is not perfect either. None of us are. We aren't any better than an unborn child, it's just we have experienced more than them but we never learn. And we call ourselves adults when we really are..nothing. Really."

The truth is, Jungkook never learns. He is good at letting the past each away at him. But he tries to be content living his life in relative isolation from his feelings. He is good at separating his present with past but it's true. But it feels like a form of self punishment.

Like if he thinks deeply enough, somewhere, something very tiny, back of his mind. Taehyung never left his mind. The none spicy noodles in super markets, the beige coat on the rack of clothes in stores, the children playing on the playground, the way the customers eye's lit up when he hands them their order- the most cruelest creation of God. The sun. He might have forced himself to believe Taehyung is dead, but Taehyung existed, exists everywhere.

Before Taehyung appeared in his doorstep.

It was stranger because he hadn't seen the boy in four years and people would expect him to move on, because they no lingered on  each other's scents, no longer knew who's hand is warm and cold, if it's dry or soft, no longer knew the way they lived and how their laugh sounded. But when Jungkook came back home after his busiest day, happy and heart thudding loudly against his chest. When he was on bed of stranger after night of heavy drink, his mind might or might  not have drifted to the same golden hair.

The smell of sweat, the smell of sex, green tea, coffee, his ceiling, the new york buildings, But then it all catches up when some times he is laying wide awake in bed, two a.m. staring at the ceiling and wondering, is Taehyung real?

"You are right hyung." He says to Yoongi.

He realizes he is  not perfect, just play pretending to be an adult, when he is still more hurt and immature than a kid. He realizes he is nothing and he still doesn't want to accept it.

Like even if he hides Taehyung. Taehyung will just be where he is. He won't really disappear.

It feels fucking pathetic because, every person he has slept with. They all have this pattern and it's their golden hairs, pretty brown eyes and large hands. And he used to tell himself, used to feel "confident" because he has moved on. But he never did. He doesn't know if there will be any way of erasing something so bizarre in his mind.

"I am not right, I am never right. I am just saying what I think and there's no right or wrong. Just really, do whatever you want to" Yoongi smiles at him. And suddenly Jungkook's heart is beating.

After finding Yoongi, he entered his life not like a magic or something as lyrics and stories describes as because Yoongi is so real, so not perfect and he doesn't try to hide it. He isn't afraid of admitting he is wrong, he doesn't hold himself back from saying what he wants, he is not afraid of showing Jungkook that he cares for him, deeply.

"Hyung.." There's a warmth in Jungkook's stomach. Like summer.

Yoongi's eyes are on him, lingering. His eyebrows little raised and he doesn't look confused, he looks like he is waiting for Jungkook to say something. He looks like snow, he feels like summer and Jungkook really wonders if he what is going to ask will ruin them. ruin the comfortable silence.

""Is it wrong for me to want you to kiss me, hyung?" There. He says it.

Then Yoongi doesn't say anything. His face doesn't change. He is still smiling like he did a second ago. Not too exaggerated and not not there either. It's here. soft and Jungkook really thinks there will be something. There is a small hand on his head, little lingering.

"I am afraid I can't do that."

Jungkook inhales.

But Yoongi seems to hold himself, always, with such surety and confidence in a way that gives Jungkook a reason to not break.

"It would be wrong of me Gguk. I really would kiss you if things weren't so stretchered.  Right now you are not emotionally here, tomorrow, you would wake up and think back to this moment and you will be hurt, so would I. I don't want to take advantage of you. So just give yourself time to think..sometime thinking is all we need" Yoongi's palm is on side of Jungkook's cheeks. Jungkook's tears are on his skin,

"I will always be here. If you feel like you want to disappear, come to me. If you feel like you need words, then I will try to tell you what I think is right. I will try to be that person to you, that I think is what you need right now. "

Yoongi is right and Jungkook knows it too.

"come here, kid"

His voice. It's small. Too small. So small and Jungkook feels smaller. Some of the lights of hospital has been turned off, the fourth floor, Taehyung is resting there.

Too any realizations, too much warmth and memories, too many feelings. Jungkook's face is pressed on deep of Yoongi's chest, the smell of sweat and mint clinging on his nose and Yoongi's shirt is wet from his tears. Hurt and comforted, Jungkook cries as much as he wants and he hasn't cried this much since that time. Yoongi's leather jacket is around him and his hand is on small of his back.

Jungkook is not perfect, and he is not the solution of anything.

Instead of trying to move on, try to learn from the experience.
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