Only chaos remains

Chapter 13

Two years later...

I took a whiff of my cigarette, feeling the burning sensation going down my throat and lungs. I then blew the white smoke and watched it rise in the air and fade away. It was still early in the morning and the streets of Colville were not yet crowded. I loved walking on the street before starting work, it has become a morning routine since I moved to this city. I felt the sun of this soft spring day warmed my face. I lifted up my head and looked at the deep blue sky contrasting with the gloomy gray of the skyscrapers. I smiled, I was in a good day, far from my usual dark thoughts and I intended to enjoy it as long as it would last.

As I was still looking up at the sky, I felt something suddenly pulling my right arm, "Naya! Please calm down," the young golden retriever started to run as we approached the coffee shop; she knew that Kathy, the waitress, would spoil her with the usual dog treat.

Since we've moved together in Colville, Jessy and I agreed I would be the one walking her dog as I loved early walking and she preferred lazing in her bed before work. I remembered how relieved I was when Jessy and I decided to be roommates. My job allowed me to work from wherever I was, so I took the opportunity to leave everything behind me and start a new life in Colville. This is true that I had first in mind another purpose for this change of life, but even if it didn't happen as I expected, I never regretted my choice.

I arrived at the small coffee shop and took a seat on the terrace so I could enjoy the sunlight. I crashed my cigarette in the ashtray and took another one from the pack in my purse. It was a bad habit I used to have when I was in high school. I stopped smoking long ago but after Jake's trial I started again. I knew it was a bad idea, and I knew it wasn't good for my health but it was the only thing I found to calm my nerves.

Kathy approached my table carrying a tray with a huge mug of tea and treats for Naya. "The same as usual?" she said with a smile. I nodded and took the mug she handed me. "Naya! Look what I've got for you!" the young girl said with enthusiasm. I watched her giving the treat to Naya as I took a sip of my tea. The dog seemed so happy that she started to jump in place waiting for her reward. I giggled at this sight and finished my cigarette.

While Naya was eagerly eating next to me, I took my phone from my pocket and opened the dating app. As I swiped left every profile I saw, I heard my mother's voice in my head. 'MC, you're almost thirty, maybe it's time for you to settle down instead of getting into unstable relationships.' I rolled my eyes and tried to chase this thought from my mind. But instead of focusing on the app, I let my thoughts get caught into the memory of Jake.

When I moved to Colville it wasn't only to get a fresh new start but also because I wanted to be closer to Jake. He was at the Maydol penitentiary which wasn't in Colville but in a city less than one hour away. I tried to contact him, to visit him, but each time I had the same answer. Jake didn't want any visitors. Lilly also tried but ended up with the same answer as mine.

So I tried to move on and started dating other men. But none of them were enough for me. Of course, I sometimes ended up in bed with a guy I just met but it meant nothing. And each time I woke in an unknown bed, I felt guilty. I started to massage the stinging spot in the middle of my chest, trying to make the guilt sensation go away. It had become a new habit and I wasn't even aware I was doing this when I thought about Jake.

I mechanically kept on swiping left on the dating app while I drank my tea. I wasn't paying too much attention to the men's photography until one caught my eye. The picture of a brown haired man with shiny green eyes was now on my screen, Matt. The man sent good vibes and without noticing it I swiped right. I bit my lip. Why did I do this? A soft noise rose in the air and I felt my phone buzzing in my hand. He was fast and had already sent me a message.