Only chaos remains

Chapter 19

"Jake?" my voice was trembling a bit. The only thing I could do was look at him, dumbfounded, without moving.

He had changed. He seemed way older than the last time I saw him. His whole body seemed tense as if he was constantly in a defensive demeanor. His jaw was clenched and deep wrinkles had dug his forehead. And his gaze! This was what shocked me the most. His gaze was cold, tough, inscrutable.

I naively thought that years on the run had toughened him up, but it seemed to be nothing compared to what he looked like at this moment.

Guilt hit me hard. I had the illusion that, by helping him clear his name, I had redeemed myself, but I was wrong. He went to jail because of my selfishness and nothing could ever erase the two years he spent there.

I stared at him, paralyzed, dreading what would happen next. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to talk to him and face my guilt.

However, when his eyes landed on my face, the imperceptible glow of kindness that reminded me of the old Jake, sparkled in his eyes. His pupils were dilated and he dampened his lips before speaking, "MC." He paused after saying my name, as if he was discovering it for the first time,"Good evening. Can I come in?" His voice was a bit hoarse, but still as deep and smooth as I remembered.

Without a word I stepped back to let him in and he closed the door quietly before facing me.

I cleared my throat to give me some confidence, "What are you doing here?" Jake flinched when he noticed my tone was emotionless, but his gaze was still unchanged.

He scratched the back of his head, embarrassed, "I wanted to see you,"

"To see me?" I cut him off. "True. I forgot you were the one making the rules," I answered bitterly.

"What do you mean?" Jake's voice was still as calm and low as usual which was inevitably getting on my nerves. But his question seemed genuine.

Slowly, guilt was letting room for anger. A cold, strong anger that was moved by something deeper. Something I had buried deep inside myself, that was eating my guts for too long - the reminiscence of a wounded love. A love that was still there, but that was, at that moment, transformed into a wild animal ready to fall on its prey.

I scoffed, "You don't know what I mean? For two fucking years, I tried to contact you, to reach you! And all I had in return was nothing, like I was talking to a wall!" I spoke slowly with a voice I barely recognized. "You ignored me, you rejected me! And it was okay, I understood why you acted like this! You went to jail for two years because of me! Because I was too selfish and childish to let you go!"

"MC, wait. You don't get it" he tried to intervene.

"No!" I yelled, "I am a human, I have feelings, you can't just ignore me and then come back as if nothing happened! Everything has changed, Jake! Everything!"

As I screamed, I took a step toward him and Jake raised a hand to reach for my face, "MC, please listen to me! Let me explain!"

"No!" I repeated while I slapped his hand away. The sharp sound echoed in the room, leaving us speechless. A heavy silence fell between us and Jake withdrew his hand and let it fall defeatedly along his body.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "I'm trying to move on, Jake. I-I'm sorry, but I just can't. I need to put all of this behind me."

For a second, Jake's gaze changed. His eyes reflected only pain and sorrow. For a second I felt that the wall I built to protect myself was breaking down and my body wanted to hug him tight and kiss him so badly that it hurt.

But I didn't listen to what my whole being was yelling at me. I couldn't, it wasn't right. I closed my eyes instead, to cut me from the sight of the man I loved.